Today is a good day...

So, Yeah. Today is a good day. Actually, Today is a great day. Today is Day 30 of being sober.

Just thirty days ago my neighbor brought me to my first meeting. Thirty days ago I recognized I was really messing up my life. Thirty days ago I tipped the first domino in a series of choices that I can tell will radically change my life as long as I stick with them.

As I'm sitting here I'm thinking,"Hmm... Thirty days really isn't that long." Honestly, it's not, I've just started to understand all the changes I've put in motion in my life. I have a long way to go.

So, 30 days...

I've been sitting here trying to think of some thought-provoking, extremely meaningful, awe-inspiring (bull shit) type thing to put down and go on-and-on about like I do with some of these entries. I've written a few paragraphs and deleted them a couple times, but I keep realizing that I'm just putting down a bunch of words that I can't organize well enough to express the complexity and the simplicity of the gratitude, hope, and love coursing through me right now. I just kinda want to ride on this and build on it while I can.

I think I'm going to keep it simple tonight.

Today is a good day. I'm sober. I couldn't have made it this far without all the support I've received this past month. I know I have a lot more to learn and a long road ahead of me, but I now know I'm not alone.

Thank you to everyone who has been a support to me, I hope I can return the kindness.

I luv you guyz. =c)

Just observing...

This is the closing of day 26 of sobriety. All in all, I feel pretty good. Life has thrown me for a few loops lately, but it's doable. It's kinda funny, but I've been thinking a lot lately.

Seriously, I have been.

Lots of stuff bouncing around in my cranium driving me nuts, but I'm dealing with it all a little at a time with the help of my friends whose support I am relying on more and more lately.

Things I've noticed...

I've been meeting a lot of people lately in different meetings, finding out that each meeting has it's own 'flavor' of people who attend regularly. I've met a lot of really, honestly, Good people. I've also met some people I don't think are so good but who are really trying to be good. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I don't want to jump to any conclusions about people quickly because I know that road leads to confusion when I find out that I'm wrong about people, but some people are just making me shy away from them because I just don't trust them. It's good to have this reaction sometimes, but it's also not good when it makes me start to shy away from everyone. I meet someone, start talking with them and about five minutes into the conversation catch myself thinking, "OK. What do you want from me that makes you force yourself to have a conversation with me?" (Low self esteem showing it's head there in some instances.) I dunno. Just an observation.

Another thing, I'm realizing that I'm still really a Proud person who doesn't like to admit weakness and I'm also shy and afraid of people. Not a good combination when you're trying to let people get to know you so they can support you. It really is hard for me to open up to anyone. There are a few people I feel comfortable with and have started to open up to a little, but not very much. I need to work on that. I also need to work on the Honesty thing. I catch myself sometimes wanting to glamorize stories to make them more interesting to others and to myself. I can't let myself do that. I used to do that a lot and it got to be a problem. The embellishments and glamorizations got to be more and more intense and unreal but because the main thread of my story was true I didn't see anything wrong with it. Then I started making up more and more of the story. Not good, especially when the line between what I knew to be real and what I made up got blurred. I got away from that a couple years ago, but now that I am telling people about my life, it's like a defense mechanism ready to be sprung to protect me. I don't like it at all. I hate lies and when I've caught myself wanting to embellish stuff lately I've had to stop and force myself to not add anything to the story. It's difficult for me because I don't like me so much. I'm working on that too. I still see myself as the ugly, scrawny, choir-boy-geek that only goes to the prom because he's done all the decorating and the girl he goes with asked him because her boyfriend knew she would be safe with him. I really haven't done much with my life, still looking for a purpose, still kinda lost but starting to find a way.

Things I need to work on: Honesty with myself and others, pride, envy, anger, self-esteem, opening up to Good people and support. Then I can start helping other people. I gotta work on myself first. It was so much easier to deal with all this a couple months ago because I couldn't think about any of it, so it just got pushed aside. Now that I can think, I'm starting to realize how all these things I need to work on have affected my friendships and relations with everyone around me. I am really not proud of how I've behaved, especially in the last few months before getting sober. I have a lot of people I need to talk to and apologize to, even if they don't think so. Some of them because I've been an ass to them directly, some because I was an ass in front of them and some because I've been an ass behind their backs and used them for my own gain. I don't like any of those actions and I am ashamed of how I've acted.

Thinking hurts, but hopefully some of the hurts will heal. My hurts and the hurts I've caused. My soul is feeling very heavy tonight all of a sudden. I have rambled, but I'm getting to know myself through my own rambling. I really don't like me right now and I didn't mean for this entry to get so deep, but lately I've been noticing some of the baggage I've got stored around the house of my soul and have had to deal with it. Not easy, but necessary. Life is slowly getting better. I am grateful for the support of my friends.

I gotta think some more tonight, go to bed and call some people tomorrow to bounce some of this off them. End of day 26. Tough as it is, I am glad I'm sober to deal with all this.

Go figure...

Go figure... I'm in a good mood. =c0

Today was a good day. This week has been kinda hellish at work but I'm not there right now, so I'm not gonna talk about it except to say that the week started pretty dumpy. I was in a horrific mood until last night, getting upset at everyone and everything around me (I put some of it in earlier posts)and just being kinda bear-like, not the leather-luvin-hairy-guy type bear. Goin around growlin at everyone and everything. I think I was doing this mainly because I hadn't taken time to sit, think and be quiet so I could process everything bouncing in my head for a while.

Last night I went to a meeting at a Church downtown. Small GLBT group, very nice people, LOTS of couches, good coffee and warm atmosphere. I walked in like I usually do when I go to a new meeting by myself, all shy and quiet, just plunked myself down in a comfy couch and waited. People were lighting candles around the room and chatting until the meeting started. Normal meeting stuff: introductions, announcements, etc. until they said, "OK will someone get the lights? Let's just have some quiet meditation for about 10 minutes before we start sharing."

Nice right? Well, I kinda freaked out for a minute. I was thinkin, "oh god, I can't let myself be quiet like this, I don't know what kind of thoughts will pop into my head that I'll have to deal with here and now." See, now that I've been sober 18 days my mind is starting to actually allow me to think. Funny how that works. Prob is that there is so much that I need to think about that I haven't been able to process for a very long time that all kinds of things bounce around. It's kinda like a power-ball drawing. Big machine full of hot air bouncing around these little balls with numbers on them. One number at a time comes out and that's what you're stuck with. Yeah. Never know what number is gonna come up or what thoughts/emotions might be associated with that ball.

Last night though, when they shut off the lights and turned on some soft music, the lotto machines actually quieted down and I started to notice things. The first thing I noticed was that I was actually comfortable in a room full of strangers, knowing that I would probably be sharing a piece of my life with them in a bit. I don't think I ever could have done that before. I might have told stories, but they wouldn't have been very honest ones. Second, I noticed I wasn't shaking. For the past few years people have been giving me grief about how much I shake throughout the day, suggesting I might have low-blood sugar, high blood-sugar, shingles, Lou Gherits Disease (sp??) etc. Well, I haven't been shaking so much this week. I've also been a lot calmer with customers who call in at work. I just listen to them tell their stories then I respond with what I can and I don't have such a tendency to turn their mannerisms back on them and act the way they do. Funny how much easier it is to deal with their issues.

Anyhow, I was really glad I had gone last night. Now tonight's meeting didn't happen 'cause someone didn't show up with the key to let us all in, so we left. Had some good conversation at a coffee shop, tried to fill in the cross-word and came home. Cross-words are fun. I really stink at filling them in correctly, but it's fun to fill them in with words I know. Start in a corner..."Hmmm. 1 down: 3 letter word for a Russian noodle... I know! PIE! Ok I know 1 across starts with P... 4 letter word: Shakespearian epic... I know! Poop!..." It passes the time for a while, but then eventually you get enough spaces filled in that you have to turn to Dr Seus/Tele-Tubbie/Pokemon-like words to get everything to fit.

Anywho, I'm going to eat some ice-cream and watch "Buffy" for a bit before bed.
Thanx for stopping to read. Comments are always welcome.

Today is day 18 and Today I am extremely grateful for my 'GOOD' friends, new and old. Thank you all for being the entertainment on my journey through life.
hehe. =c)

I don't want to do this right now...

Today was first sleet. It wasn't first snow, it's first sleet. The stuff is starting to pile up on the cars and streets making everything wet, shiny and cold. Nasty. Kinda fits my mood.

This past weekend I went home to visit my family. I think it was the second time all year I've been up there. Normally I like the drive up there. I enjoy the colors of the trees, the open road, seeing familiar sights, just taking my time to get up there. This time it wasn't such a good trip. Normally I stop in Superior for a bit at a bar there for a beer or two or three before continuing the drive home (yeah, stupid to drink and drive I know, but I did it.) This time I couldn't stop. Really, I could have, but chose not to. It wasn't easy. I started shaking with the effort of not stopping. I texted one friend and called another to let them know I made it.

I got home and had a real conversation with my parents. I was honest about my feelings and about what's been going on with me lately. I didn't tell them the whole story, but told them all the important stuff. The rest is just details they don't need to know. They told me a lot of what was going on up there too. It was a bit of an information overload for all of us. I think they thought it was real good to talk like that and that they resolved a lot. For me, I don't feel like anything was resolved and nothing is going to change. I just have a lot more to think about.

It's Tuesday today, my supervisor had yesterday and today off, leaving me to be "boss-man" in her absence. I have a whole new respect for her just because of the stuff she has to deal with daily. I was extremely frustrated by her manager who just confused the heck out of me with a situation he wanted taken care of immediately because he was getting pressured from his superiors to get it done. He was so worked up about it and not conveying any thoughts that I had no idea what he was telling me I needed to do. He was also making many assumptions about my knowledge and how he assumed I didn't know how to complete certain tasks which I do on a routine basis. Grrr.

Tonight I went to a meeting. It's been 16 days now sober. I think it sucks. My friends are all planning events for the holidays that I am not going to be able to attend. I was invited to a friends house for thanksgiving, was actually thinking about going until they started talking about how in the past they all had been bombed by the time the table was set. I can't do that right now. Others are getting together for dinner at a place we went to just because they serve these really strong drinks. I know I can't go there either. Every day I still get dry-mouth when I walk to the bus from work and have to go past a couple of my old bar hangouts. It's driving me nuts. I really want to go in and just check up on people but know I would really be tempted to drink. I don't want to put myself in situations like these because I think about how I would get when I drank. I always drank to get drunk. I couldn't have just one or two unless I was driving. I would drink as much as I could when I was out until I had to go home, ran out of money, or made a fool of myself by being inappropriate or by loosing my temper with friends. I don't like that. I'm really just angry at myself and it's easy to put the blame on other things and situations. I am starting to see some benefits of all this though. I actually have been able to keep money in my pocket all week and not spend it and I have been able to buy some things I wanted in celebration of 2 weeks being true and honest with myself.

So, it's sleeting. Everything is wet, heavy, cold, nasty. Kinda like my mood right now. I wish my mind would slow down enough for me to rest, but every time I stop doing something my mind goes of on tangents and I get angry or frustrated because of the "Stinkin thinkin," wanting to just get out and do what I've done for the past few years and go to a bar for a while. I'm having to re-learn how to live. I need to find more social outlets. I can see some of my friendships starting to disintegrate around me because things are changing for me. I'm making all these new choices because I am finally starting to respect myself. Liking myself might come in time, but for now I am content with learning to respect myself.

I blogged tonight because I knew I had a lot on my mind. I still do, but some of it is out. Life sometimes just sux but hopefully it'll make me appreciate some things more.

Hind-Sight isn't always 20/20...

What is true is not always felt and what is felt is not always true.

I've been realizing the validity of that statement this week. I know I have a problem. I feel it when my mouth goes dry walking past a bar, but sometimes I feel like I don't belong in the meetings I've been going to. I haven't been in treatment, haven't been in trouble with any authorities (other than bouncers at bars who are generally nice to me as they suggest it's time to go home) and I haven't lost much tangible goods like a lot of people in meetings. On the other hand, I can't stop myself when I've had too much to drink, I've not been honest with myself or people around me about what's going on in my life, I've lost a lot in the ways of friendships and real companionship because I lost control.

This week I've been taking a look back at my life trying to trace the beginnings of things. It's an odd exercise, but one I would suggest to everyone. Just take one thing you do or are passionate about and trace it back to where it started. I've been doing this with alcohol, with my attitude towards life, with my attitude towards people around me and with several other aspects of my life. Hindsight isn't always 20/20. Some things I can't find their beginnings, while other things I find a simple beginning (alcohol) and realize that the issue goes back beyond the simple beginning.

It's not been easy to trace or to deal with. I'm learning a LOT about myself. I hope I will make use of what I'm learning very soon to do a paradigm shift and look at the world around me differently. Honestly though, that really scares me. I am comfortable with my life. I know I need to make some changes, but I know what's going on around me. The things I'm learning about myself, if I put them into practice, will radically change my outlook on life. I don't know if it'll turn into an awesome experience or if it'll be a great one, but I know it will at least be good.

My emotions have been rocking back and forth like a fishing boat out on Lake Superior in the middle of a storm. Really can't see much beyond the bow of the boat and I'm feeling a little green around the gills.

They need to make an emotional Dramamine.

Today is day 9. I am scared but can see this is one of the best things I've committed myself to in a long time. One day at a time. It'll get better (so I've been told).

Today I'm feeling angry...

Today I'm feeling angry. It's a culmination of a lot of other feelings that's coming out as anger. I hate being angry.

I'm Jealous of my friends who were able to go out this weekend and have fun. I went to meetings, to church and to the grocery store. I didn't do much else.

Even if I had been willing to go out, I couldn't. I'm broke. Have been for the past 3 weeks. I put every penny I could find into my account last week to try and pay my bills, but ended up being $12.50 short. Hopefully my check won't bounce.

I feel like crap today. I guess the terminology is that my body is detoxifying, but it's driving me nuts. Headache, sweating and breaking out, nice case of jock itch that won't go away... Fun fun.

I know I have to go through this and it frustrates me.

I'm at work now, on my lunch break. Work is frustrating me. I had a lady calling up first thing this morning yelling at me because her claim was denied. She's full of it and keeps changing her story, so we're not going to pay her claim. The people who work under me are not completing their jobs as requested since we've changed a few procedures, which means I have to correct their work and let them know what was wrong. They're giving me attitude about it. Grrrrrr.... If everything was done properly I wouldn't have to correct anything.

I'm going to go smoke now. Really want to go out after work, but I am not going to.

Today is day 8 and I'm frustrated by everything and it's making me angry.

Just been on my mind...

It is well with my soul.

When peace like a river
attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll.
whatever my lot,
thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.


This song has been going through my head lately. Life has been interesting, but no-matter how it is, if I'm scrounging up change to try to pay rent, getting creative with whatever is left in my cupboard for food, going to a dead-end job every day... There is a lesson in it somewhere. Therefore, it is well with my soul.

Odd feelings...

Tonight I went to another meeting with my neighbors. I am still more than a little uncomfortable at these meetings. Admitting weakness is one of the hardest things for me, so to be in a big room full of people admitting their own weakness is a little unnerving. Even though I am not completely comfortable yet, I am starting to feel that I'm doing the right thing.

Last night's meeting seemed to be tailored specially for me to be there. My neighbor and I talked about a few things in the car before the meeting just so I would know a little bit about what I was walking into. It was weird because she was telling me things that fit exactly how I have been feeling lately. Talking about the loneliness, depression, interventions and experiences we both have had, then we went into the meeting and it just happened that the meeting was talking about EXACTLY the same stuff we had been sharing in the car.

Tonight, I was amazed to hear the same things from other people. It's like people are telling my story with a few twists. The same needs, weaknesses and hopes. I've never really felt like this before. Meeting all these people who know exactly what I've been going through lately and can relate because they've gone through the same things. It's really odd. I'm just floored. I can't find the words to express how I feel right now.

Today was a good day. I stayed sober.

Today I woke up...

Today I woke up. I hit snooze on my alarm for almost an hour, rolled out of bed, stumbled to the shower, got ready for work and the cogs in my head finally started moving so I could think a bit and I knew I had to make some calls.

To tell the whole story I'd have to re-publish every blog entry I've had up and deleted over the past few months which would get very lengthy and probably pretty boring, even with everything I've done, So... I'm not going to. Readers' Digest extreme condensed version... I've been going out a lot and having a lot of fun. They say it's not possible to have too much fun. They're wrong. Started drinking a lot more than I should for various reasons, mainly to forget about all the things that happened during the day and just relax. Meeting new people, going out with them, meeting more people, going out with them, etc. It was interesting. I had fun, got into a few arguments, made a drunken fool of myself a couple times and continued my existence.

Yesterday I went out with my friends Tim and Nej to the Eagle for a beer-bust. Great deal, $8.00 for all the beer you could drink. I didn't want to drink a lot, but still, two mugs of beer are usually almost eight bucks. Six beers later, we decided to go home and put on costumes and go downtown to the 90's for dancing and some more cocktails. I was having fun. Ran into a guy I met through Tim and started chatting on the front "patio." Tim came out and joined us, The guy went back inside and I said some really sh**y things to Tim and told him to Fu** off. It was like a switch was flipped. I was having a great time, then all of a sudden I turned into this nasty person insulting my friend.

To Preface: Prior to going out, Tim had made the comment that lately every time we've gone out we've ended up arguing, which is true. We both agreed that we didn't like it and that we would do our best not to argue. After six beers, a jagg/Rumple shot at home and three very potent cocktails at the 90's, I wasn't concerned with our agreement. Really, it wasn't that I wasn't concerned, it's that I lost control. I've been doing that a lot lately and I'm not proud of it. I ended up walking home. I guess I stopped at the gas station and got some hot pockets because there was one in the fridge on a plate with a fork next to it, an empty box in the garbage and a new box sitting on the counter pretty well thawed out. I don't remember much of any of the walk home.

So, today once my mind started working I knew I needed to make some calls. First, I called Tim and apologized to his voice-mail. I called Nej and admitted to her voice-mail that I had messed up. Then I did something kinda difficult for me but something I have been thinking about for the past few months. I called my neighbor and asked him if he knew of any AA meetings I could go to.

He called his fiancee to see which meeting would be best for me to go to since both of them were going to one tonight. I went with his fiancee to my first AA meeting. I was scared, felt stoopid for needing to go, but I finally realize and can admit I have a problem I can't deal with on my own. I need help.

I have a problem. I am an alcoholic. I can admit that. If I don't stop, I will not be here much longer. I mess up my friendships by drinking. I hurt people I love and who love me when I drink. I mess up my future by spending all my money on alcohol. I make a fool of myself when I drink. I can't stop on my own. I need help.

These are words I never thought I would be saying.

Today was a big day.

Today I woke up.