happy freakin new year.

so, it's new year's eve. 11:28 pm and i'm home. mildly pissed, trying to forget it and move on. it's one of those things where people would rather draw assumptions and make judgment calls based on what they observe than bother to find out what's really going on. i tend to think that if someone is worried about me they'd talk to me rather than talk to someone else about me so they can decide i'm on my way out if i don't change my attitude/behavior. i would have to agree to an extent that if i hadn't changed my thought process and stopped the spiraling thinking, yeah, i'd probably be a little closer to going out, but i'm not there. i'm doing what i need to to take care of myself and avoiding needing to make amends down the line by hurting anyone around me because of my attitude. i'm talking to people i trust and people i know care about me, being honest with them, taking time to think things through positively, take a minor personal inventory to find out where i am, going to meetings and being honest about/with my feelings... so yeah, it kinda hurts that people who say they care aren't taking the time to talk to me before gossiping about me and making judgment calls on me. i know where they're coming from by saying those things, and i'm accepting that they don't know enough about me to know what i'm like. it still hurts.

Ok. I'm done writing the thought stream spiraling through my head right now. It's freakin New Year's Eve! Tonight is the end of 2006 and the beginning of 2007! Pretty freakin cool! Tonight is also my 14 month anniversary. I was talking with my sponsor yesterday about how 18 months ago I didn't even consider being clean/sober as an option I had. Now, it's been 14 months and things really are picking up. I have all these 'tools' to use to stop the downward spiraling thoughts and I'm using them daily. The more I use them, the easier it is to use them effectively. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy by any means, but it's getting easier because I'm realizing what I need to do for myself. Basically, I've been in a bit of a funk lately which started with a using dream after having a couple of really tiring weeks at work and an exhausting holiday weekend. I was in a bad mood, I was a little jealous of my friends who are going out tonight, not for the drinking, but because I really wanted to spend some time with them and I can't right now because it wouldn't be a good choice for me to be out with them tonight. That's a choice I made. I still have a hard time accepting that I'm actually choosing to do what's good for me rather that what I want to do. I was at a dance earlier tonight and I actually behaved myself. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but what I needed to. It's kinda cool really. I don't have to make any amends tomorrow, I got the chance to talk to some people I usually don't get to talk to, and I had fun dancing for a bit. It was a pretty darn good night. Other than feeling a little hurt, I'm in a pretty good place mentally right now. The hurt? This too shall pass. They mean well, and I know they care about me, otherwise they wouldn't have been talking about me.

I am grateful I'm alive, here, sober and am able to forgive people who hurt me without needing an apology.

Ok. I hear fireworks. Happy New Year Everyone!!

Time to spellcheck this and go to bed.

Thank you to all my friends who do care about me.

Hugz.
JD