Latter Days and life...

I just finished watching the movie "Latter Days" for the um-teenth time and I have to say that this is quickly becoming one of my favorite movies of all time. I know it's a little out of date, being it was produced in 2004, but other than a few current-at-the-time references to Miss Cleo ("Call Me Now!") and various pop icons I think this movie has the ability to transcend the time lines and I strongly recommend it to anyone looking for a sappy, coming-out, love-conquers-(almost)-all type movie.

I laugh, I cry and my heart aches for the characters here. Why? I guess mostly it's because I can relate. Now, don't get me wrong, the hot guys really don't hurt the story, but I can relate to the main characters on so many levels that I'm drawn into the story deeper than most queer-flicks I see.

I'm NOT a Mormon, but I was raised in a very devout/strict Baptist household. My dad taught the adult Sunday-school classes and my mom was the church treasurer, both leaders in the church. Coming out to them was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Up to the time I did come out to everyone, including myself, my whole life was geared towards going into the ministries. I majored in French Language and minored in Art while in college to have useful tools when I would graduate from my undergrad studies and go to a seminary or something of the sort. The "...of the sort" part was that I decided to apply for staff with a Campus Ministry my senior year of college. I had gone on a few missions trips with the organization while in college to Daytona and Panama City for spring breaks and even took a 10 week stint in Daytona on a summer missions trip. I was a student leader on our campus, leading several Bible studies and setting up appointments with people on campus to tell them about "God" and his love for them. I was applauded for "bringing people to Christ" many times over the years.

Well, after the three month intense interview process, I was told that I had had too many homosexual experiences (from when I was eight years old and didn't have any choice against an adult) and that they didn't thing God was able to use me in their ministry.

I was at a loss as to what to do. My whole life had been leading up to this and here were people telling me God couldn't use me because I might be gay.

There's a long story coming that I'm going to skip over for the moment, someday I may elaborate, but not today.

Skip ahead a few months. I came out to my family and friends. I was kicked out of the house I was living in, my parents had some choice words for me before they began crying about not being able to see me in heaven when we died. Then came the silence. It took a couple years to actually converse with my family. During that time I began exploring my gay side and really came to like myself for a while.

Now, I've experienced gay life for several years and am waiting for something more than just sex from guys I meet. Sex is good and sex is fun, but lately I've been holding off on having any because I'm getting to know myself and honestly, I'm happier putting my energies into relationships that aren't based on sex.

I dunno. Some people think I'm weird that way, but I'm just doing what I think is good for me. I'm not judging or holding resentments against people who don't do it this way, I'm doing this for me.

One part of the movie that keeps going through my head is where Aaron is explaining his "Sunday Comics" view of life to Lila who had just lost a loved one.... (Paraphrased) "Do you ever read the Sunday Comics? When I was a kid I would put my nose to the page and look at them. It's all just a bunch of dots that don't seem to connect at all until you pull away from the page. Life is like that. We're all a bunch of dots. From our perspective we can't make any sense of this, but from God's perspective it all makes sense."

I know I grossly misquoted that and I do apologize. You'll have to read the book or watch the movie (I have both if anyone would like to borrow them) to get the real lines, but that's the gist of it. I like the way that was put, that we're all just a bunch of dots and we can't make sense of our lives because we can't see how we're interconnected with the other dots.

I really liked the way god/fate/Higher Power was brought into the story several times as being the director of the play. Random numbers scribbled down which actually make sense, chance meetings with people, a business card bringing it all together... Whatever you'd like to call the director of life, He/she/it has always been putting stuff like that in my path. Things that just don't make sense adding up to be some completely unexpected surprise or joy in my life. (I know I'm kinda on a soap-box here, so I won't give examples now, just read previous posts to find a few.)

Life is interesting. Odd, confusing, wonderful, painful, funny, heart-breaking... Interesting.

I'm grateful to be alive today.
I'm grateful to be sober and aware of myself.
I'm grateful that I had a chance to start over so many times.
I'm grateful that I had the courage to take the chances given to me.
I'm grateful to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
I'm grateful for the beautiful sunshine we had on this frigid January day.
I'm grateful that I have food in my fridge.
I'm grateful for the warm apartment I'm in.
I'm grateful that I could pay my bills today.
I'm grateful for the interesting life I've had thus far.

Good Night all.
Hugz.
JD