Just observing...
This is the closing of day 26 of sobriety. All in all, I feel pretty good. Life has thrown me for a few loops lately, but it's doable. It's kinda funny, but I've been thinking a lot lately.
Seriously, I have been.
Lots of stuff bouncing around in my cranium driving me nuts, but I'm dealing with it all a little at a time with the help of my friends whose support I am relying on more and more lately.
Things I've noticed...
I've been meeting a lot of people lately in different meetings, finding out that each meeting has it's own 'flavor' of people who attend regularly. I've met a lot of really, honestly, Good people. I've also met some people I don't think are so good but who are really trying to be good. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I don't want to jump to any conclusions about people quickly because I know that road leads to confusion when I find out that I'm wrong about people, but some people are just making me shy away from them because I just don't trust them. It's good to have this reaction sometimes, but it's also not good when it makes me start to shy away from everyone. I meet someone, start talking with them and about five minutes into the conversation catch myself thinking, "OK. What do you want from me that makes you force yourself to have a conversation with me?" (Low self esteem showing it's head there in some instances.) I dunno. Just an observation.
Another thing, I'm realizing that I'm still really a Proud person who doesn't like to admit weakness and I'm also shy and afraid of people. Not a good combination when you're trying to let people get to know you so they can support you. It really is hard for me to open up to anyone. There are a few people I feel comfortable with and have started to open up to a little, but not very much. I need to work on that. I also need to work on the Honesty thing. I catch myself sometimes wanting to glamorize stories to make them more interesting to others and to myself. I can't let myself do that. I used to do that a lot and it got to be a problem. The embellishments and glamorizations got to be more and more intense and unreal but because the main thread of my story was true I didn't see anything wrong with it. Then I started making up more and more of the story. Not good, especially when the line between what I knew to be real and what I made up got blurred. I got away from that a couple years ago, but now that I am telling people about my life, it's like a defense mechanism ready to be sprung to protect me. I don't like it at all. I hate lies and when I've caught myself wanting to embellish stuff lately I've had to stop and force myself to not add anything to the story. It's difficult for me because I don't like me so much. I'm working on that too. I still see myself as the ugly, scrawny, choir-boy-geek that only goes to the prom because he's done all the decorating and the girl he goes with asked him because her boyfriend knew she would be safe with him. I really haven't done much with my life, still looking for a purpose, still kinda lost but starting to find a way.
Things I need to work on: Honesty with myself and others, pride, envy, anger, self-esteem, opening up to Good people and support. Then I can start helping other people. I gotta work on myself first. It was so much easier to deal with all this a couple months ago because I couldn't think about any of it, so it just got pushed aside. Now that I can think, I'm starting to realize how all these things I need to work on have affected my friendships and relations with everyone around me. I am really not proud of how I've behaved, especially in the last few months before getting sober. I have a lot of people I need to talk to and apologize to, even if they don't think so. Some of them because I've been an ass to them directly, some because I was an ass in front of them and some because I've been an ass behind their backs and used them for my own gain. I don't like any of those actions and I am ashamed of how I've acted.
Thinking hurts, but hopefully some of the hurts will heal. My hurts and the hurts I've caused. My soul is feeling very heavy tonight all of a sudden. I have rambled, but I'm getting to know myself through my own rambling. I really don't like me right now and I didn't mean for this entry to get so deep, but lately I've been noticing some of the baggage I've got stored around the house of my soul and have had to deal with it. Not easy, but necessary. Life is slowly getting better. I am grateful for the support of my friends.
I gotta think some more tonight, go to bed and call some people tomorrow to bounce some of this off them. End of day 26. Tough as it is, I am glad I'm sober to deal with all this.
Seriously, I have been.
Lots of stuff bouncing around in my cranium driving me nuts, but I'm dealing with it all a little at a time with the help of my friends whose support I am relying on more and more lately.
Things I've noticed...
I've been meeting a lot of people lately in different meetings, finding out that each meeting has it's own 'flavor' of people who attend regularly. I've met a lot of really, honestly, Good people. I've also met some people I don't think are so good but who are really trying to be good. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I don't want to jump to any conclusions about people quickly because I know that road leads to confusion when I find out that I'm wrong about people, but some people are just making me shy away from them because I just don't trust them. It's good to have this reaction sometimes, but it's also not good when it makes me start to shy away from everyone. I meet someone, start talking with them and about five minutes into the conversation catch myself thinking, "OK. What do you want from me that makes you force yourself to have a conversation with me?" (Low self esteem showing it's head there in some instances.) I dunno. Just an observation.
Another thing, I'm realizing that I'm still really a Proud person who doesn't like to admit weakness and I'm also shy and afraid of people. Not a good combination when you're trying to let people get to know you so they can support you. It really is hard for me to open up to anyone. There are a few people I feel comfortable with and have started to open up to a little, but not very much. I need to work on that. I also need to work on the Honesty thing. I catch myself sometimes wanting to glamorize stories to make them more interesting to others and to myself. I can't let myself do that. I used to do that a lot and it got to be a problem. The embellishments and glamorizations got to be more and more intense and unreal but because the main thread of my story was true I didn't see anything wrong with it. Then I started making up more and more of the story. Not good, especially when the line between what I knew to be real and what I made up got blurred. I got away from that a couple years ago, but now that I am telling people about my life, it's like a defense mechanism ready to be sprung to protect me. I don't like it at all. I hate lies and when I've caught myself wanting to embellish stuff lately I've had to stop and force myself to not add anything to the story. It's difficult for me because I don't like me so much. I'm working on that too. I still see myself as the ugly, scrawny, choir-boy-geek that only goes to the prom because he's done all the decorating and the girl he goes with asked him because her boyfriend knew she would be safe with him. I really haven't done much with my life, still looking for a purpose, still kinda lost but starting to find a way.
Things I need to work on: Honesty with myself and others, pride, envy, anger, self-esteem, opening up to Good people and support. Then I can start helping other people. I gotta work on myself first. It was so much easier to deal with all this a couple months ago because I couldn't think about any of it, so it just got pushed aside. Now that I can think, I'm starting to realize how all these things I need to work on have affected my friendships and relations with everyone around me. I am really not proud of how I've behaved, especially in the last few months before getting sober. I have a lot of people I need to talk to and apologize to, even if they don't think so. Some of them because I've been an ass to them directly, some because I was an ass in front of them and some because I've been an ass behind their backs and used them for my own gain. I don't like any of those actions and I am ashamed of how I've acted.
Thinking hurts, but hopefully some of the hurts will heal. My hurts and the hurts I've caused. My soul is feeling very heavy tonight all of a sudden. I have rambled, but I'm getting to know myself through my own rambling. I really don't like me right now and I didn't mean for this entry to get so deep, but lately I've been noticing some of the baggage I've got stored around the house of my soul and have had to deal with it. Not easy, but necessary. Life is slowly getting better. I am grateful for the support of my friends.
I gotta think some more tonight, go to bed and call some people tomorrow to bounce some of this off them. End of day 26. Tough as it is, I am glad I'm sober to deal with all this.
posted by JD_612 at 1:55 AM
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