I don't want to do this right now...
Today was first sleet. It wasn't first snow, it's first sleet. The stuff is starting to pile up on the cars and streets making everything wet, shiny and cold. Nasty. Kinda fits my mood.
This past weekend I went home to visit my family. I think it was the second time all year I've been up there. Normally I like the drive up there. I enjoy the colors of the trees, the open road, seeing familiar sights, just taking my time to get up there. This time it wasn't such a good trip. Normally I stop in Superior for a bit at a bar there for a beer or two or three before continuing the drive home (yeah, stupid to drink and drive I know, but I did it.) This time I couldn't stop. Really, I could have, but chose not to. It wasn't easy. I started shaking with the effort of not stopping. I texted one friend and called another to let them know I made it.
I got home and had a real conversation with my parents. I was honest about my feelings and about what's been going on with me lately. I didn't tell them the whole story, but told them all the important stuff. The rest is just details they don't need to know. They told me a lot of what was going on up there too. It was a bit of an information overload for all of us. I think they thought it was real good to talk like that and that they resolved a lot. For me, I don't feel like anything was resolved and nothing is going to change. I just have a lot more to think about.
It's Tuesday today, my supervisor had yesterday and today off, leaving me to be "boss-man" in her absence. I have a whole new respect for her just because of the stuff she has to deal with daily. I was extremely frustrated by her manager who just confused the heck out of me with a situation he wanted taken care of immediately because he was getting pressured from his superiors to get it done. He was so worked up about it and not conveying any thoughts that I had no idea what he was telling me I needed to do. He was also making many assumptions about my knowledge and how he assumed I didn't know how to complete certain tasks which I do on a routine basis. Grrr.
Tonight I went to a meeting. It's been 16 days now sober. I think it sucks. My friends are all planning events for the holidays that I am not going to be able to attend. I was invited to a friends house for thanksgiving, was actually thinking about going until they started talking about how in the past they all had been bombed by the time the table was set. I can't do that right now. Others are getting together for dinner at a place we went to just because they serve these really strong drinks. I know I can't go there either. Every day I still get dry-mouth when I walk to the bus from work and have to go past a couple of my old bar hangouts. It's driving me nuts. I really want to go in and just check up on people but know I would really be tempted to drink. I don't want to put myself in situations like these because I think about how I would get when I drank. I always drank to get drunk. I couldn't have just one or two unless I was driving. I would drink as much as I could when I was out until I had to go home, ran out of money, or made a fool of myself by being inappropriate or by loosing my temper with friends. I don't like that. I'm really just angry at myself and it's easy to put the blame on other things and situations. I am starting to see some benefits of all this though. I actually have been able to keep money in my pocket all week and not spend it and I have been able to buy some things I wanted in celebration of 2 weeks being true and honest with myself.
So, it's sleeting. Everything is wet, heavy, cold, nasty. Kinda like my mood right now. I wish my mind would slow down enough for me to rest, but every time I stop doing something my mind goes of on tangents and I get angry or frustrated because of the "Stinkin thinkin," wanting to just get out and do what I've done for the past few years and go to a bar for a while. I'm having to re-learn how to live. I need to find more social outlets. I can see some of my friendships starting to disintegrate around me because things are changing for me. I'm making all these new choices because I am finally starting to respect myself. Liking myself might come in time, but for now I am content with learning to respect myself.
I blogged tonight because I knew I had a lot on my mind. I still do, but some of it is out. Life sometimes just sux but hopefully it'll make me appreciate some things more.
This past weekend I went home to visit my family. I think it was the second time all year I've been up there. Normally I like the drive up there. I enjoy the colors of the trees, the open road, seeing familiar sights, just taking my time to get up there. This time it wasn't such a good trip. Normally I stop in Superior for a bit at a bar there for a beer or two or three before continuing the drive home (yeah, stupid to drink and drive I know, but I did it.) This time I couldn't stop. Really, I could have, but chose not to. It wasn't easy. I started shaking with the effort of not stopping. I texted one friend and called another to let them know I made it.
I got home and had a real conversation with my parents. I was honest about my feelings and about what's been going on with me lately. I didn't tell them the whole story, but told them all the important stuff. The rest is just details they don't need to know. They told me a lot of what was going on up there too. It was a bit of an information overload for all of us. I think they thought it was real good to talk like that and that they resolved a lot. For me, I don't feel like anything was resolved and nothing is going to change. I just have a lot more to think about.
It's Tuesday today, my supervisor had yesterday and today off, leaving me to be "boss-man" in her absence. I have a whole new respect for her just because of the stuff she has to deal with daily. I was extremely frustrated by her manager who just confused the heck out of me with a situation he wanted taken care of immediately because he was getting pressured from his superiors to get it done. He was so worked up about it and not conveying any thoughts that I had no idea what he was telling me I needed to do. He was also making many assumptions about my knowledge and how he assumed I didn't know how to complete certain tasks which I do on a routine basis. Grrr.
Tonight I went to a meeting. It's been 16 days now sober. I think it sucks. My friends are all planning events for the holidays that I am not going to be able to attend. I was invited to a friends house for thanksgiving, was actually thinking about going until they started talking about how in the past they all had been bombed by the time the table was set. I can't do that right now. Others are getting together for dinner at a place we went to just because they serve these really strong drinks. I know I can't go there either. Every day I still get dry-mouth when I walk to the bus from work and have to go past a couple of my old bar hangouts. It's driving me nuts. I really want to go in and just check up on people but know I would really be tempted to drink. I don't want to put myself in situations like these because I think about how I would get when I drank. I always drank to get drunk. I couldn't have just one or two unless I was driving. I would drink as much as I could when I was out until I had to go home, ran out of money, or made a fool of myself by being inappropriate or by loosing my temper with friends. I don't like that. I'm really just angry at myself and it's easy to put the blame on other things and situations. I am starting to see some benefits of all this though. I actually have been able to keep money in my pocket all week and not spend it and I have been able to buy some things I wanted in celebration of 2 weeks being true and honest with myself.
So, it's sleeting. Everything is wet, heavy, cold, nasty. Kinda like my mood right now. I wish my mind would slow down enough for me to rest, but every time I stop doing something my mind goes of on tangents and I get angry or frustrated because of the "Stinkin thinkin," wanting to just get out and do what I've done for the past few years and go to a bar for a while. I'm having to re-learn how to live. I need to find more social outlets. I can see some of my friendships starting to disintegrate around me because things are changing for me. I'm making all these new choices because I am finally starting to respect myself. Liking myself might come in time, but for now I am content with learning to respect myself.
I blogged tonight because I knew I had a lot on my mind. I still do, but some of it is out. Life sometimes just sux but hopefully it'll make me appreciate some things more.
posted by JD_612 at 9:35 PM
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