Confession time...

I just had a minor setback. I'm feeling a lot of stress, I just spent the last two hours planning what I am going to say to my Human Resources department tomorrow and am at the point of admitting "I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I NEED TO SAY." I was really frustrated, went for a walk, passed a gas-station, turned around, went inside to buy cigarettes, decided I REALLY didn't need to get any and walked out. I went a couple blocks to the next gas-station and went in and actually bought some cigarettes. I lit one and started retching from the taste, put it out, put the cigarettes in my pocket. Thankfully I walked another half block and a lady asked if I had a spare cigarette so I gave her the rest of the pack.

I'm mad at myself. I really didn't need to do that. I had my phone in my pocket and thought a couple of times that I should call someone, but my mind was telling me, "Nah, they're asleep by now, don't bother them. It's not such a big thing, you can have one, stick the pack in the top of the cupboard in case you need another next week or tomorrow or in a couple hours..." Rationalizing. It sucks. Oh well. I'm back at day zero for smoking, not a big deal. I just need to learn from this and move on.

So yeah, I'm kinda stressed. Whomever reads this, if you've got a Higher Power, whatever/whomever that may be, can you do me a favor and say a quick prayer on my behalf? I need it.

Thanks.
JD.

Icky Days....

Ugg. So, today wasn't such an exciting day in my world. I woke up feeling kinda icky at about 3AM, drank some water and went to bed. Woke up at 8 and fell asleep watching TV in my recliner. It's now Just past Midnight and that's where I've been all day, in my recliner watching TV. Not my favorite kind of day. One odd thing, I've got a bit of a "thing" called pectus excavatum which I can tell y'all about later, basically it means the center of my chest is sunken in a bit, something I'm more than a little self conscious about. Anywho, I knew I was starting to get better around 4:00 when I woke up drenched in sweat cause this fever I had finally broke. Well, lying back in my recliner made my "divit" a perfect catch-all for sweat. Kinda gross, but it was a little funny to look down and see a small pond of sweat in the middle of my chest.

I'm feeling better now but am ready for bed even after sleeping all day. I NEED to get out of my apt. tomorrow.

Speaking of getting out, I won tickets to go see a movie "The Covenant" which I'm looking forward to. I've been looking forward to it since seeing the first preview so getting free tickets was a super-cool thing. I just found out the two people I was thinking of asking to join me actually got out and saw it today, so I might be going stag to see it tomorrow. Anywho, one of my friends gave it a pretty decent review, half-clad guys and all. It aught to be decent. I like that kinda movie, the story line part. Well, the half-clad guy part is good too, but not the main attraction for me (this time).

Ooh! I have a meeting scheduled with the Human Resources Department at my work for Monday. I went through some drama this past week and I'm meeting with "one of the people in charge of making sure open positions get filled" whatever they're called and after chatting with me he's decided to bring in the lady I would go to if I had a serious complaint (ie: assault, discrimination, moral conduct issue). Hopefully things will go well with them. I've been at my job for 4 years now so if I stay with the company I will have 3 weeks paid vacation next year, and will be 'vested' with my stock-option stuff (whatever that means). If things don't go so well, I've been looking up job listings in my area and have already checked out a couple options (up to the point of going in for a physical interview). Job searching has come a long ways since I last had to get out and look for a job on my own. I've had to fill in a couple online interviews and go through some online orientation sessions for a couple of the companies I'm interested in. It's been a decent experience.

Anywho, Time for this kid to go to bed (again), I'll chat at y'all later.
JD

One more...

I HAD to put this in. If you know me well, you know I LOVE THE MUPPETS!!! I'm thrilled with the results of this one. I was hoping for either the Swedish Chef or Beaker on this one.

You Are the Swedish Chef

"Bork! Bork! Bork!" Your happy and energetic - with borderline manic tendencies. No one really gets you. And frankly, you don't even get you. But, you sure can whip up a great chocolate mousse

The Muppet Personality Test

Just for fun.

Hey all. Today is day 9 of not smoking, it's definitely getting easier, the thing that keeps getting to me is when i reach into my back pocket or start looking around my apt. for my cigs. I have to keep remembering, "oh yeah, I am not smoking today." It's the oddest thing. So, This is all just for fun.

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

What's Your Personality Type?

Seriously though, I've taken the Myers/briggs many times and always come up an INFJ. There is TONS of info out there for people to analyze/anal-ize their life based on a combination of 4 letters. Take the test then input your results into a GOOGLE search or something. Kinda cool.

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Yeah, I could be a Psychic. LOL

Your Rising Sign is Taurus

You are the ultimate rock - stable and centered. People turn to you in crisis and count on you for calm. Stubborn and strong minded, you can't be pushed around. You are also tenacious, and you always will stick with something difficult. A bit fan of nature, you're attracted to the beauty of the outdoors. And sometimes, you find it easier to relate to animals than people.

What's Your Rising Sign?

Hmmm... Relating to animals better than people? Well I did have this big blue shark at the MOA hitting on me. Came up when I was at a T-shirt stand Tapped my shoulder and pointed to a shirt that said: "Wanna play carpenter? We'll get hammered and I'll screw you." Now I've heard about people with various farm animals and pets, but who ever heard of doin' it with a blue shark? (I know, Baaad Joke. I wonder if he was at all cute though. I'll have to keep it in mind.) hehe

Good Morning.

Ok. It's not morning, but I wanted to share some pictures I took on Wednesday. I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep, so I took my camera to catch the sunrise. It was an amazing morning. The first picture I kinda fudged the colors a bit, but the others are actually the colors the sky was. It was cool.




I love mornings like that. I'm grateful I was awake to see it.
So, when I go to bed tonight it will officially be one week smoke-free. I'm not using any niccotine replacements or any drugs to quit and it's actually easier for me to do it this way. I've tried all the replacemtns before and it hasn't worked. I just decided that I'm done smoking. I know every time I lit up I was killing myself. I could feel it in my whole body. I didn't like the feeling. Now, one week without adding niccotine to my body I do feel a little better, my thought process is not firing on all cylinders yet, but it's getting better. I do have to admit that quitting smoking was a LOT harder than quitting drinking. I don't want to go through this ever again. If anyone out there wants to quit, go for it but be ready for it. If you don't want to quit, that's fine by me. I'm not going to go on a rampage telling everyone they need to quit. I promise.

So, I'm grateful for the sunshine.
I'm grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful for support everyone's given me.
I'm grateful for a fridge of food.
I'm grateful I can sleep in again.
I'm grateful I'm not going to just walk out on my job.
I'm grateful I've come to the decision I can't do my job anymore.
I'm grateful I'm not stressing about it.
I'm grateful for nice cool breeze tonight.
I'm grateful for the colors the trees are turning.
I'm grateful to be alive today.
I'm grateful that I had today and enjoyed it.



Good Night.
JD

Hairstylists....

So, I was looking at my hair today, thinking about going down to see my hairsytlist this week, realizing I won't have the money to do that until Friday and moving on with life. My hair is kinda bugging me at the moment, which is why going to see a barber is a life lesson for me today. I realized that I have a lot of "hairstylists" in my life. People I see pretty regularly around town just like my hairstylist. We chat about our lives for a bit as he's cutting away just listening on the periphery of his senses then when he's done, I pay and don't see him for another couple weeks. Most of my "friendships" are like that. I talk with people, we talk about what's going on with us, touch base, then part ways for a couple weeks. I'm not having a pity party or pointing fingers at anyone for this, but I can't think of more than one person I can say I actually talk with more than once a week and I don't like that. I don't have anyone close to me that I chat with on a regular basis. It's odd. I wonder why. I think partially it's because I'm still afraid of getting too close to people, but more I think It's my fear of rejection keeping me from people I do know. I gotta work on that. I know I need friends in my life. Good people I can talk to and not feel like I'm being a bother when I want to do something and who will actually call me when they're wanting to do something too. Ah well, if wishes had wings there'd be a whole lot of crap flying around.

PS: I'm very much aware that my mental capacity for making rational observations is not anywhere near being able to make sense of anything today. Today is day 4 without smoking. It's getting easier, but I would really like a smoke before bed. Oh well, I'll wait till tomorrow. Since tomorrow's just a couple hours away, I think I can do it for just one more day. I wonder when my thought process will come back to being closer to normal. Anyone have experience with this?

JD

Right now....

Right now I think I'm feeling kinda pissy. People are just stupid and should be doing what I think they should do. I want a drink, I want a smoke, I want to go find some stud and bend him over the trunk of his car. Right now I want it all.

I think right now I need to step back and breathe.

Right now I'm feeling ok. The room is a good temperature, I'm making chicken and wild-rice soup, I made a cake last night that's already half gone. I sat in the local coffee shop today, saw this HOTTIE, I haven't blushed that much in a LONG while when getting caught stealing looks. He just looked nice. I want a nice guy. I think he liked me too. He was working on a book/story/article/paper (he said it all in one sentence in that order, so I don't think he was really working on much) I did some origami which caught his attention, he introduced himself, I introduced myself I went to sit with him, said I could only stay a minute then he said, well nice to meet you, we'll see you around. Brush-off? I dunno. I know he had a couple other guys giving him looks too, but I was the only one he actually talked to while I was there. I want a nice guy like that. I would settle for someone to cuddle with. I respect myself too much to go for a hookup although it's really tempting. I feel like I should be in High School with all this. Gawd. I'm such a looser. Right now I wish I would have stayed and talked more.


Right now I think I need to back off again and try to relax my shoulders.

Right now, the world is tranquil. I hear my clock ticking, my refrigerator running, my computer screen buzzing, cars passing by, someone's bass up loud-thump-thump-th-thump, neighbors arguing, kids crying, airplanes overhead, that damn clock ticking away... Right now I want to throw that damn clock out the f*cking window so those dumb-S*its upstairs might take a break from their arguing and make their kid stop crying.

Right now I definitely need to stop and breathe.

So, Today is a *GOOD* day. Today is my third day of not smoking, I forgot about all the good reasons to quit today and am right now holding on to the fact that it's my chance to give a big "F*CK-YOU" to all the nice people in my life who have been telling me I'd never be able to quit and to all those who have been pressuring me into quitting as well. I'm not doing this for anyone but me.

I'd give hugs, but I'm afraid I'd end up stabbing you in the back as I give them tonight.

I'm out.
JD

Random...

So, Today was a pretty good day, I slept most of the day away then went to hang out with some friends. I got a ride home from a friend and he had a really cool song playing. From what I can tell, it's a single put out and not on a CD I can easily order but the group is coming to St Paul in October. If anyone knows where I can get a CD with this song, let me know. Thanks. JD

Artist: REHAB
Song: Amends

Well I'm sorry and I apologize
for any pain I may have caused you
and I made you my enemy
but now I need you as my friend
and I've been wrong for so long
not to ask for your forgiveness
and if you don't accept, I'll understand
but I need to make amends
but I need to make amends
It's hard for me to say this
but I've been going through some changes
and I'm really not quite sure where to begin
I've been kissing devils
and fighting angels
putting the rest of you in danger
and blaming you for the turmoil beneath my skin
and my twisted versions of the truth
are a weak man's attempt to look better than you
can't believe your pain never gave you a grin
and I've wanted to kill a thousand times
but I think I just thought that I wouldn't survive
but I found happiness ain't something you win
Well I'm sorry and I apologize
for any pain I may have caused you
and I made you my enemy
but now I need you as my friend
and I've been wrong for so long
not to ask for your forgiveness
and if you don't accept, I'll understand
but I need to make amends
but I need to make amends
Well I've lied to you so many times
with a mad desire to control your mind
searching for things that no one finds
and I've killed your time and stole you blind
I've taught you things you don't need to learn
so I can cut in line and take your turn
I've filled your head with snakes and worms
on my search for a bridge to burn
I wanna live with no uncertainty
but that man in the mirror's been hurtin' me
and I've come to you 'cause there's nowhere else to go
Well I'm sorry and I apologize
for any pain I may have caused you
and I made you my enemy
but now I need you as my friend
and I've been wrong for so long
not to ask for your forgiveness
and if you don't accept, I'll understand
but I need to make amends
but I need to make amends
If you see me sad, don't pity it
I've been a god damn idiot
My life, my fault, my actions make me break
and I can't even see it, so be it
that's what I think
when everybody's gonna blame the world
I blame my mom and dad and put it in a song
I'm weak, so I act strong
I'm short, so I talk long
and layin' in the hospital
I think, have I been wrong?
all along
I'm 29, still playin' "look at me"
what am I, three?
self-esteem on E
can't you see
I've been often neglegent
almost never benevolent
I think I'm intellegent
but mostly irrelevant
'cause I ain't changed one bit
even though I quit
who cares if I'm sober if
I'm still gonna steal shit
I had to be broken down
another apocalypse
to see what I had missed
and just come and tell you this
my pride, gotta suck it up
my gut, gotta tuck it up
so here goes, dawg
I love you
I fucked it up
Well I'm sorry and I apologize
for any pain I may have caused you
and I made you my enemy
but now I need you as my friend
and I've been wrong for so long
not to ask for your forgiveness
and if you don't accept, I'll understand
but I need to make amends
but I need to make amends
Well I'm sorry and I apologize
for any pain I may have caused you
and I made you my enemy
but now I need you as my friend
and I've been wrong for so long
not to ask for your forgiveness
and if you don't accept, I'll understand
but I need to make amends
but I need to make amends

Confessions of a *gulp* "Drama-Queen"...

So, I just read over my last entry and am thinking I should have waited a bit longer to write anything. Wow. I said a lot more than I meant to, and the over-all effect seems to be that I've painted a very skewed picture of life as it is. I really hate to admit it, but I can still be a bit of a "Drama-Queen" from time to time.

So, I got out of the rut I was in. Actually, the day after I posted my last entry, I ended up spilling my guts at one of the meetings I went to (my home group) and laid out everything that was on my plate. I was given some great advice from a lady I truly cherish and was invited to go hang out with some of the guys from the meeting afterwards. Well, I decided I had spewed enough to them and decided to go home instead. Normally I would have to say I was retreating into 'isolation-mode' again, but something just felt right about leaving that group and going home, so I did. Well, I ended up running into my neighbor whom I haven't seen in MONTHS. (He's the one I called when I decided I needed help.) He was with a couple guys outside his place and stopped me to chat a bit which was 'ok' and he told me about his wedding and how they're expecting soon, then he asked how I was doing. Even though I had told the people at the meeting what was going on I wasn't feeling any different and I didn't want to tell him, but at the same time I couldn't lie to him. Well, my body kinda took over and I looked at him and this huge sigh/sob came from somewhere deep in my chest and alligator-tears rolled down my cheeks as I said, "Not great." I couldn't say any more. He wrapped up the conversation quickly and said, "I'll call you sometime and we can talk." Not 15 minutes later my phone rang, it was him and we ended up talking for almost an hour. He helped me put some things into perspective and I felt a little better.

I went to work Monday and got an e-mail from one of the two people I mentioned in my last blog who I feel comfortable telling everything to. He noted I had seemed a bit distant when I saw him earlier in the week, I explained the situation and we ended up getting together for lunch and I filled him in on stuff. I met with my sponsor (the second person I feel comfortable telling everything to) and laid it all out for him as well.

In the mean-time I was still in a 'funk' feeling bad about life and stuff, I ended up blowing-up at on of my employees and telling her off in front of the whole department loud enough for everyone to hear everything. My supervisor came over to help support me but couldn't get a word in edgewise so just backed away and went back to his desk. In the middle of my outburst I realized what I was doing and ended up apologizing to her in front of everyone too. I still didn't feel any better, so on my lunch break I took a walk and went to this park downtown near work that has a series of waterfalls with benches along it's course. I sat down and for the first time in a couple weeks I tried to quiet my mind and just listen. I heard the waterfall, birds, wind in the bushes, people quietly chatting and just shut everything else out. Peace.

I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden I started remembering little things. Good things. I realized that the rut I was in was of my own making. I was so focused on myself and my expectations for life that I was forgetting to enjoy the little things in life that were coming up very unexpectedly every day. Running into a friend downtown and getting to chat, a smile from a stranger, a bus that's normally packed with people being nearly empty on my ride to work, a burst of sunshine through the clouds. Little things around me that made my day beautiful when I thought about them.

So, I'm practicing acceptance again. Accepting the world as it is and not as I want it to be. Accepting that I have absolutely no control over what people think, say or do when it's something that doesn't affect me directly. Accepting that I really don't know much about the world. Accepting that I need to have faith that things are going to happen just as they are supposed to happen when they are supposed to happen.

Life is kinda funny that way. The less I try to control it, the more I enjoy it.

I keep hearing in meetings "It's a simple program. It's not easy by any means, but it's very simple." I get it now. It's really simple to turn everything over to my higher power, but it's not easy to leave it that way. I gotta keep working on that.

Gratitude:

I'm very grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful I got to watch a movie that made me laugh with a friend.
I'm grateful that people accept me for who I am.
I'm grateful that people are supporting me.
I'm grateful that I can support other people.
I'm grateful that I'm not in control of Life.
I'm grateful I'm learning to love people without expecting anything in return.
I'm grateful that I'm open to learning life's lessons.
I'm grateful for the rain outside washing the streets clean.
I'm grateful that I can now choose how to react to situations.
I'm grateful that I'm having more good days than bad days.
I'm grateful for a roof over my head and food in my cupboards.
I'm grateful that people remind me about the good things they see in me when I'm having a hard time seeing it.
I'm grateful I know that my feelings are based off my perceptions which I know are often skewed.

I don't know if any of this made sense and I really hope it didn't come off like a sermon or anything, but I just had to get out the good stuff today as much as I had to get out the bad stuff last week. Life is good and it keeps getting better, even when I don't feel it.

I'm going to open the windows and listen to the rain for a bit now.

JD.

Oh! One last thing kinda funny which opened a whole slew of avenues for conversation and good stuff.... This week at work we were standing around talking about times we went out and what drinks we liked. We started suggesting different drinks for one of the girls to try and I was able to tell her what was in them all and where to go to get the best ones. One girl looked at me kinda amazed and said, "How do you know all this? Were you a bartender?" I blushed and hesitated before saying, "No, just an alcoholic." (For the next 10 minutes people started commenting on how well I was doing and noticing changes in me. It made me feel good to know that even the people who didn't know previously had noticed changes in me. I was proud to say that on that day it had been 10 months since I had a drink.)

JD.