Confessions of a *gulp* "Drama-Queen"...
So, I just read over my last entry and am thinking I should have waited a bit longer to write anything. Wow. I said a lot more than I meant to, and the over-all effect seems to be that I've painted a very skewed picture of life as it is. I really hate to admit it, but I can still be a bit of a "Drama-Queen" from time to time.
So, I got out of the rut I was in. Actually, the day after I posted my last entry, I ended up spilling my guts at one of the meetings I went to (my home group) and laid out everything that was on my plate. I was given some great advice from a lady I truly cherish and was invited to go hang out with some of the guys from the meeting afterwards. Well, I decided I had spewed enough to them and decided to go home instead. Normally I would have to say I was retreating into 'isolation-mode' again, but something just felt right about leaving that group and going home, so I did. Well, I ended up running into my neighbor whom I haven't seen in MONTHS. (He's the one I called when I decided I needed help.) He was with a couple guys outside his place and stopped me to chat a bit which was 'ok' and he told me about his wedding and how they're expecting soon, then he asked how I was doing. Even though I had told the people at the meeting what was going on I wasn't feeling any different and I didn't want to tell him, but at the same time I couldn't lie to him. Well, my body kinda took over and I looked at him and this huge sigh/sob came from somewhere deep in my chest and alligator-tears rolled down my cheeks as I said, "Not great." I couldn't say any more. He wrapped up the conversation quickly and said, "I'll call you sometime and we can talk." Not 15 minutes later my phone rang, it was him and we ended up talking for almost an hour. He helped me put some things into perspective and I felt a little better.
I went to work Monday and got an e-mail from one of the two people I mentioned in my last blog who I feel comfortable telling everything to. He noted I had seemed a bit distant when I saw him earlier in the week, I explained the situation and we ended up getting together for lunch and I filled him in on stuff. I met with my sponsor (the second person I feel comfortable telling everything to) and laid it all out for him as well.
In the mean-time I was still in a 'funk' feeling bad about life and stuff, I ended up blowing-up at on of my employees and telling her off in front of the whole department loud enough for everyone to hear everything. My supervisor came over to help support me but couldn't get a word in edgewise so just backed away and went back to his desk. In the middle of my outburst I realized what I was doing and ended up apologizing to her in front of everyone too. I still didn't feel any better, so on my lunch break I took a walk and went to this park downtown near work that has a series of waterfalls with benches along it's course. I sat down and for the first time in a couple weeks I tried to quiet my mind and just listen. I heard the waterfall, birds, wind in the bushes, people quietly chatting and just shut everything else out. Peace.
I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden I started remembering little things. Good things. I realized that the rut I was in was of my own making. I was so focused on myself and my expectations for life that I was forgetting to enjoy the little things in life that were coming up very unexpectedly every day. Running into a friend downtown and getting to chat, a smile from a stranger, a bus that's normally packed with people being nearly empty on my ride to work, a burst of sunshine through the clouds. Little things around me that made my day beautiful when I thought about them.
So, I'm practicing acceptance again. Accepting the world as it is and not as I want it to be. Accepting that I have absolutely no control over what people think, say or do when it's something that doesn't affect me directly. Accepting that I really don't know much about the world. Accepting that I need to have faith that things are going to happen just as they are supposed to happen when they are supposed to happen.
Life is kinda funny that way. The less I try to control it, the more I enjoy it.
I keep hearing in meetings "It's a simple program. It's not easy by any means, but it's very simple." I get it now. It's really simple to turn everything over to my higher power, but it's not easy to leave it that way. I gotta keep working on that.
Gratitude:
I'm very grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful I got to watch a movie that made me laugh with a friend.
I'm grateful that people accept me for who I am.
I'm grateful that people are supporting me.
I'm grateful that I can support other people.
I'm grateful that I'm not in control of Life.
I'm grateful I'm learning to love people without expecting anything in return.
I'm grateful that I'm open to learning life's lessons.
I'm grateful for the rain outside washing the streets clean.
I'm grateful that I can now choose how to react to situations.
I'm grateful that I'm having more good days than bad days.
I'm grateful for a roof over my head and food in my cupboards.
I'm grateful that people remind me about the good things they see in me when I'm having a hard time seeing it.
I'm grateful I know that my feelings are based off my perceptions which I know are often skewed.
I don't know if any of this made sense and I really hope it didn't come off like a sermon or anything, but I just had to get out the good stuff today as much as I had to get out the bad stuff last week. Life is good and it keeps getting better, even when I don't feel it.
I'm going to open the windows and listen to the rain for a bit now.
JD.
Oh! One last thing kinda funny which opened a whole slew of avenues for conversation and good stuff.... This week at work we were standing around talking about times we went out and what drinks we liked. We started suggesting different drinks for one of the girls to try and I was able to tell her what was in them all and where to go to get the best ones. One girl looked at me kinda amazed and said, "How do you know all this? Were you a bartender?" I blushed and hesitated before saying, "No, just an alcoholic." (For the next 10 minutes people started commenting on how well I was doing and noticing changes in me. It made me feel good to know that even the people who didn't know previously had noticed changes in me. I was proud to say that on that day it had been 10 months since I had a drink.)
JD.
So, I got out of the rut I was in. Actually, the day after I posted my last entry, I ended up spilling my guts at one of the meetings I went to (my home group) and laid out everything that was on my plate. I was given some great advice from a lady I truly cherish and was invited to go hang out with some of the guys from the meeting afterwards. Well, I decided I had spewed enough to them and decided to go home instead. Normally I would have to say I was retreating into 'isolation-mode' again, but something just felt right about leaving that group and going home, so I did. Well, I ended up running into my neighbor whom I haven't seen in MONTHS. (He's the one I called when I decided I needed help.) He was with a couple guys outside his place and stopped me to chat a bit which was 'ok' and he told me about his wedding and how they're expecting soon, then he asked how I was doing. Even though I had told the people at the meeting what was going on I wasn't feeling any different and I didn't want to tell him, but at the same time I couldn't lie to him. Well, my body kinda took over and I looked at him and this huge sigh/sob came from somewhere deep in my chest and alligator-tears rolled down my cheeks as I said, "Not great." I couldn't say any more. He wrapped up the conversation quickly and said, "I'll call you sometime and we can talk." Not 15 minutes later my phone rang, it was him and we ended up talking for almost an hour. He helped me put some things into perspective and I felt a little better.
I went to work Monday and got an e-mail from one of the two people I mentioned in my last blog who I feel comfortable telling everything to. He noted I had seemed a bit distant when I saw him earlier in the week, I explained the situation and we ended up getting together for lunch and I filled him in on stuff. I met with my sponsor (the second person I feel comfortable telling everything to) and laid it all out for him as well.
In the mean-time I was still in a 'funk' feeling bad about life and stuff, I ended up blowing-up at on of my employees and telling her off in front of the whole department loud enough for everyone to hear everything. My supervisor came over to help support me but couldn't get a word in edgewise so just backed away and went back to his desk. In the middle of my outburst I realized what I was doing and ended up apologizing to her in front of everyone too. I still didn't feel any better, so on my lunch break I took a walk and went to this park downtown near work that has a series of waterfalls with benches along it's course. I sat down and for the first time in a couple weeks I tried to quiet my mind and just listen. I heard the waterfall, birds, wind in the bushes, people quietly chatting and just shut everything else out. Peace.
I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden I started remembering little things. Good things. I realized that the rut I was in was of my own making. I was so focused on myself and my expectations for life that I was forgetting to enjoy the little things in life that were coming up very unexpectedly every day. Running into a friend downtown and getting to chat, a smile from a stranger, a bus that's normally packed with people being nearly empty on my ride to work, a burst of sunshine through the clouds. Little things around me that made my day beautiful when I thought about them.
So, I'm practicing acceptance again. Accepting the world as it is and not as I want it to be. Accepting that I have absolutely no control over what people think, say or do when it's something that doesn't affect me directly. Accepting that I really don't know much about the world. Accepting that I need to have faith that things are going to happen just as they are supposed to happen when they are supposed to happen.
Life is kinda funny that way. The less I try to control it, the more I enjoy it.
I keep hearing in meetings "It's a simple program. It's not easy by any means, but it's very simple." I get it now. It's really simple to turn everything over to my higher power, but it's not easy to leave it that way. I gotta keep working on that.
Gratitude:
I'm very grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful I got to watch a movie that made me laugh with a friend.
I'm grateful that people accept me for who I am.
I'm grateful that people are supporting me.
I'm grateful that I can support other people.
I'm grateful that I'm not in control of Life.
I'm grateful I'm learning to love people without expecting anything in return.
I'm grateful that I'm open to learning life's lessons.
I'm grateful for the rain outside washing the streets clean.
I'm grateful that I can now choose how to react to situations.
I'm grateful that I'm having more good days than bad days.
I'm grateful for a roof over my head and food in my cupboards.
I'm grateful that people remind me about the good things they see in me when I'm having a hard time seeing it.
I'm grateful I know that my feelings are based off my perceptions which I know are often skewed.
I don't know if any of this made sense and I really hope it didn't come off like a sermon or anything, but I just had to get out the good stuff today as much as I had to get out the bad stuff last week. Life is good and it keeps getting better, even when I don't feel it.
I'm going to open the windows and listen to the rain for a bit now.
JD.
Oh! One last thing kinda funny which opened a whole slew of avenues for conversation and good stuff.... This week at work we were standing around talking about times we went out and what drinks we liked. We started suggesting different drinks for one of the girls to try and I was able to tell her what was in them all and where to go to get the best ones. One girl looked at me kinda amazed and said, "How do you know all this? Were you a bartender?" I blushed and hesitated before saying, "No, just an alcoholic." (For the next 10 minutes people started commenting on how well I was doing and noticing changes in me. It made me feel good to know that even the people who didn't know previously had noticed changes in me. I was proud to say that on that day it had been 10 months since I had a drink.)
JD.
posted by JD_612 at 3:47 PM
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