Saturday night ramblings...
Ok. I'm tired, I have a lot of things bouncing around in my head that I want to get down quickly so this may not make much sense. When I get tired, my defenses drop and I tend to think less of what's going on at the moment and more a general overview of things. When this happens I tend to notice a bunch of stuff.
Ok. It's Saturday night and I'm home alone. I'm ok with that. I just got back from a meeting and got a chance to talk to someone and touch briefly on some of what's been going on.
So, My last entry was about Gay Pride. It was a definite 'trigger' weekend for me. I Pride was always something I looked forward to every year even though I rarely remembered the whole weekend. I remember this past weekend very clearly. I was not ready to be in that environment, It brought up a bunch of emotions that I wasn't expecting and since then I've been thinking about how nice it was to go out drinking and be able to get out of my skin. I'm still not really comfortable in my skin, but I'm a lot happier now with life than I was before, It's not easy, but it's a heck of a lot better.
The future... I've been reading the 5th Harry Potter book lately and I'm at the point where the students go in for advising on what classes they'll need to take to get into whatever field they want to work in. I always hated those tests. For me the tests were extremely inconclusive. The careers that were a constant were always Brewmaster/winemaster or FBI investigator, I thought that was funny. Anywho... I was thinking of my jobs I've held in the past because I have this feeling I need to get out of the job I'm in. It's an ok job, but not something I want to make a career of. The Aptitude tests never told me what I should do for a career, the only result that came up was that I could do anything I wanted to. I'm getting that now. With all the jobs I've had in the past, I've excelled in whatever I put my mind to. I've never been turned down after an interview. I can learn a new job very easily and do well in it. I tend to get promoted quickly, get uncomfortable with the level of responsibility then leave. Not just jobs, I have this tendency to throw myself into things hardcore and work at it until I'm almost good at it, then I abandon that plan and try something else I think might be better. Why?
I was talking with my sponsor this week and he made a suggestion that I work more on my social network. I don't think he meant for me to focus on that, but out of all the things we talked about, that suggestion sticks out far more than any of the rest of the conversation. I'm looking at how I 'show-up' in life, how I act in different situations. I'm definitely a wall-flower. I stand off to the side and just watch whatever is going on rather than joining in. I'm realizing that that's not helping me at all. I need to be interacting with people more. This was something I was thinking about even before my sponsor suggested it, but since he suggested it, I'm going to make a real effort to do it. I think that may be one of the reasons Pride was so difficult for me, I ran into a bunch of people I used to hang out with and have fun with. I don't do that so much any more. I need to work on balancing my social/work/spiritual/self stuff.
Feelings are just feelings, they just 'are'. They're neither good nor bad, they're just my reactions to how I perceive the world. I'm tired, so my feelings have been stirred up a bit. I'm angry at myself for how I messed up my life so quickly when I see how long it's going to take to fix the damages I've done. I miss hanging out with people. My caretaker side is kicking in but I don't have anyone to take care of . I'm volunteering for a lot of things and working overtime at the moment and I'm neglecting taking care of myself. I'm lying to people when they ask how I'm doing because I just don't want to be open.
Me Me Me... Wow. Notice a trend? "I" Doesn't seem that different from what I was writing 8 months ago. (Today is my 8 month anniversary)
I cannot control anything outside myself. I used to think I knew a lot about the world until I realized the world was a lot bigger than the things I could wrap my mind around.
Really, I know I'm ok. Things aren't 'peachy' now, but they're getting better, one day at a time. I think it's amazing that I can actually think about things like this. Even more so that I can learn from how my thoughts are whirling around in my head. I am really grateful to be alive and to be here and to be learning life lessons. Every day seriously is a miracle.
I am grateful for the friends I have now who actually care about me.
I am grateful for the warm weather.
I am grateful for the experience of watching my plants grow.
I am grateful for someone who confronted me on lying about being "Fine" today.
I am grateful for the extra income I've had from working overtime.
I am grateful this is the last week of overtime for a long while.
I am grateful for my comfortable apartment.
I am grateful for food in my fridge and a couple dollars in my pocket.
I am grateful for a mind that is starting to work better.
I am grateful that with help I made it through 243 days without trying to slowly,sweetly kill myself like I had been.
Thank you all.
Hugz.
JD
Ok. It's Saturday night and I'm home alone. I'm ok with that. I just got back from a meeting and got a chance to talk to someone and touch briefly on some of what's been going on.
So, My last entry was about Gay Pride. It was a definite 'trigger' weekend for me. I Pride was always something I looked forward to every year even though I rarely remembered the whole weekend. I remember this past weekend very clearly. I was not ready to be in that environment, It brought up a bunch of emotions that I wasn't expecting and since then I've been thinking about how nice it was to go out drinking and be able to get out of my skin. I'm still not really comfortable in my skin, but I'm a lot happier now with life than I was before, It's not easy, but it's a heck of a lot better.
The future... I've been reading the 5th Harry Potter book lately and I'm at the point where the students go in for advising on what classes they'll need to take to get into whatever field they want to work in. I always hated those tests. For me the tests were extremely inconclusive. The careers that were a constant were always Brewmaster/winemaster or FBI investigator, I thought that was funny. Anywho... I was thinking of my jobs I've held in the past because I have this feeling I need to get out of the job I'm in. It's an ok job, but not something I want to make a career of. The Aptitude tests never told me what I should do for a career, the only result that came up was that I could do anything I wanted to. I'm getting that now. With all the jobs I've had in the past, I've excelled in whatever I put my mind to. I've never been turned down after an interview. I can learn a new job very easily and do well in it. I tend to get promoted quickly, get uncomfortable with the level of responsibility then leave. Not just jobs, I have this tendency to throw myself into things hardcore and work at it until I'm almost good at it, then I abandon that plan and try something else I think might be better. Why?
I was talking with my sponsor this week and he made a suggestion that I work more on my social network. I don't think he meant for me to focus on that, but out of all the things we talked about, that suggestion sticks out far more than any of the rest of the conversation. I'm looking at how I 'show-up' in life, how I act in different situations. I'm definitely a wall-flower. I stand off to the side and just watch whatever is going on rather than joining in. I'm realizing that that's not helping me at all. I need to be interacting with people more. This was something I was thinking about even before my sponsor suggested it, but since he suggested it, I'm going to make a real effort to do it. I think that may be one of the reasons Pride was so difficult for me, I ran into a bunch of people I used to hang out with and have fun with. I don't do that so much any more. I need to work on balancing my social/work/spiritual/self stuff.
Feelings are just feelings, they just 'are'. They're neither good nor bad, they're just my reactions to how I perceive the world. I'm tired, so my feelings have been stirred up a bit. I'm angry at myself for how I messed up my life so quickly when I see how long it's going to take to fix the damages I've done. I miss hanging out with people. My caretaker side is kicking in but I don't have anyone to take care of . I'm volunteering for a lot of things and working overtime at the moment and I'm neglecting taking care of myself. I'm lying to people when they ask how I'm doing because I just don't want to be open.
Me Me Me... Wow. Notice a trend? "I" Doesn't seem that different from what I was writing 8 months ago. (Today is my 8 month anniversary)
I cannot control anything outside myself. I used to think I knew a lot about the world until I realized the world was a lot bigger than the things I could wrap my mind around.
Really, I know I'm ok. Things aren't 'peachy' now, but they're getting better, one day at a time. I think it's amazing that I can actually think about things like this. Even more so that I can learn from how my thoughts are whirling around in my head. I am really grateful to be alive and to be here and to be learning life lessons. Every day seriously is a miracle.
I am grateful for the friends I have now who actually care about me.
I am grateful for the warm weather.
I am grateful for the experience of watching my plants grow.
I am grateful for someone who confronted me on lying about being "Fine" today.
I am grateful for the extra income I've had from working overtime.
I am grateful this is the last week of overtime for a long while.
I am grateful for my comfortable apartment.
I am grateful for food in my fridge and a couple dollars in my pocket.
I am grateful for a mind that is starting to work better.
I am grateful that with help I made it through 243 days without trying to slowly,sweetly kill myself like I had been.
Thank you all.
Hugz.
JD
posted by JD_612 at 10:15 PM
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