S/G/W/M I/S/O NORMIES...
venting...
So, yesterday was my five month mark. I'm doing ok. Had a pretty crazy week. I tried to register for classes on Monday and the system wasn't allowing me to, so I called to find out what was up with that. Seems when I dropped my classes last year (due to a lack of funds from drinking up what I had saved for tuition and a couple months worth of bills) the school withdrew my acceptance to the Interpretor Program. I was really bummed. I made a few calls and practiced "turning it over." Tuesday I got a call from the dean of my department letting me know he remembered me from last year and still had my paperwork in his office. He pushed my application through and Wednesday I got an acceptance letter back into the program. I was going to tell my story at a meeting on Thursday, but when I got there the facilitator came up to me and said he was sorry but someone had actually signed up already and he had forgotten. I was ok with that. I was really excited to have the chance to tell my story, but was kinda freakin out at the same time. I learned this week not to joke with people about anything. I made a joke about inviting one of my friends to something saying "Maybe we should invite him just so he can feel good about himself and think that someone actually cares about him." I was totally joking and thought he would know I was joking because just the night before I was talking to him about how much I value his friendship and care about him. I invited him to my graduation from a seminar I've been in because he was the one person that's seen me through all this stuff I've been experiencing. He's a thread in my story that goes back way before I was deciding to change my life and I am really grateful that he's in my life. Anywho, He ended up taking it seriously. I've been feeling pretty shitty all week because the joke I made hurt him. Ugg. So, I guess I can't make jokes anymore. Back to being serious and no fun. Fun is something I've been missing lately. I'm still in a mindset where fun equals going out dancing, seeing people, mingling, flirting and drinking. I haven't done much of any of that lately and am realizing how much this decision I've made to change my life really affects my life. It's stupid, I know, but I didn't realize how much would change. I did go out a couple weeks ago dancing and had fun, but I didn't fit in anymore. It's wierd. I'm also getting tired of all the program talk lately. I really want to just get to know people without having to listen to them tell me what I should be doing for my program. I have one person I talk to who listens to me, lets me finish my thought and then gives advice on what I could do. Usually I appreciate what other people have to say about their programs because I want to learn from them, but I'm at a point where I actually have thoughts about my own program and want to bounce my ideas off of other people. I don't know if they think it's because I'm stupid or that I'm too new to the program but as soon as I start telling them what's been going on lately (without getting to any of the ways I've been dealing with issues) they start a monologue about their own program and what I should be doing to get over my issues. I wish they would just listen and hear me out once in a while before they start telling me what I need to do. I'm getting tired of gay meetings too. I've been feeling lately that going to gay meetings and hanging out with gay program-workers is more of a show than a real help to me in my daily walk. I "show-up" differently at gay meetings because I know the drama queens are going to be critiquing what I wear and how I act and who I talk to. I'm tired of the drama. I really want to find people I can hang out with that I can just talk with about life in general without the program-lingo and who will actually accept me for who I am rather than critique my every action. It's frustrating at the moment, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I think these resentments fall under me being self-seeking because I want to be recognized as actually having a decent program of my own. When I don't get that my social instinct and ambitions are affected because I want to talk, but people don't listen, so why should I make an effort at talking in the first place? Today I had a chance to hang out with some "normies," people who aren't in the program and aren't addicts/alcoholics. They actually were interested in me because I had some things to say and they wanted to get to know me. It was cool. I wish I knew more normies.
Mood: Frustrated.
Outlook: Ok. I know this is just a funk that I'll get out of sometime soon, just wish It would happen now. My patience has been tried too much lately for me to want to wait. but wait i will.
So, yesterday was my five month mark. I'm doing ok. Had a pretty crazy week. I tried to register for classes on Monday and the system wasn't allowing me to, so I called to find out what was up with that. Seems when I dropped my classes last year (due to a lack of funds from drinking up what I had saved for tuition and a couple months worth of bills) the school withdrew my acceptance to the Interpretor Program. I was really bummed. I made a few calls and practiced "turning it over." Tuesday I got a call from the dean of my department letting me know he remembered me from last year and still had my paperwork in his office. He pushed my application through and Wednesday I got an acceptance letter back into the program. I was going to tell my story at a meeting on Thursday, but when I got there the facilitator came up to me and said he was sorry but someone had actually signed up already and he had forgotten. I was ok with that. I was really excited to have the chance to tell my story, but was kinda freakin out at the same time. I learned this week not to joke with people about anything. I made a joke about inviting one of my friends to something saying "Maybe we should invite him just so he can feel good about himself and think that someone actually cares about him." I was totally joking and thought he would know I was joking because just the night before I was talking to him about how much I value his friendship and care about him. I invited him to my graduation from a seminar I've been in because he was the one person that's seen me through all this stuff I've been experiencing. He's a thread in my story that goes back way before I was deciding to change my life and I am really grateful that he's in my life. Anywho, He ended up taking it seriously. I've been feeling pretty shitty all week because the joke I made hurt him. Ugg. So, I guess I can't make jokes anymore. Back to being serious and no fun. Fun is something I've been missing lately. I'm still in a mindset where fun equals going out dancing, seeing people, mingling, flirting and drinking. I haven't done much of any of that lately and am realizing how much this decision I've made to change my life really affects my life. It's stupid, I know, but I didn't realize how much would change. I did go out a couple weeks ago dancing and had fun, but I didn't fit in anymore. It's wierd. I'm also getting tired of all the program talk lately. I really want to just get to know people without having to listen to them tell me what I should be doing for my program. I have one person I talk to who listens to me, lets me finish my thought and then gives advice on what I could do. Usually I appreciate what other people have to say about their programs because I want to learn from them, but I'm at a point where I actually have thoughts about my own program and want to bounce my ideas off of other people. I don't know if they think it's because I'm stupid or that I'm too new to the program but as soon as I start telling them what's been going on lately (without getting to any of the ways I've been dealing with issues) they start a monologue about their own program and what I should be doing to get over my issues. I wish they would just listen and hear me out once in a while before they start telling me what I need to do. I'm getting tired of gay meetings too. I've been feeling lately that going to gay meetings and hanging out with gay program-workers is more of a show than a real help to me in my daily walk. I "show-up" differently at gay meetings because I know the drama queens are going to be critiquing what I wear and how I act and who I talk to. I'm tired of the drama. I really want to find people I can hang out with that I can just talk with about life in general without the program-lingo and who will actually accept me for who I am rather than critique my every action. It's frustrating at the moment, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I think these resentments fall under me being self-seeking because I want to be recognized as actually having a decent program of my own. When I don't get that my social instinct and ambitions are affected because I want to talk, but people don't listen, so why should I make an effort at talking in the first place? Today I had a chance to hang out with some "normies," people who aren't in the program and aren't addicts/alcoholics. They actually were interested in me because I had some things to say and they wanted to get to know me. It was cool. I wish I knew more normies.
Mood: Frustrated.
Outlook: Ok. I know this is just a funk that I'll get out of sometime soon, just wish It would happen now. My patience has been tried too much lately for me to want to wait. but wait i will.
posted by JD_612 at 11:28 PM
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