Just a moment....

So, I'm going to bed soon. Not doin so great at the moment, you may not want to read this post. S'ok I won't know any different. I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone out there a happy Valentine's day. I was going to be all satirical and crass tomorrow and wear all black to celebrate. I went into my closet to check and find clothes that still fit, then I realized that the only outfit I could use was the one I bought for one of my best friends' funeral. So yeah, spun me off into a whole different wave of thinking.

The day dedicated to St. Valentine. Who was he? Just a guy who rebelled and performed marriages when it was against the law. He was thrown in jail and died for his belief. Not so different from today's world where the law would not recognize my marriage if I were to get married today. People getting beat up and killed for the belief that they have the right to exist as a human being equal to other humans. Teena Brandon and Matthew Shepard to name two. In the society's eye, they were twisted and wrong for believing that they had the right to love whomever they wanted. My parents say a prayer for me every day and cry when they tell me I am going to hell because I think I have the right to love whomever makes me happy. Love is a fickle thing.

I was checking out tattoo sights recently thinking of getting one for my 30th birthday. I saw this guy with a tattoo across his chest in very elegant calligraphy. It was kinda difficult to read because the lettering was done in reverse so that whenever he looked in a mirror he could easily read it. The three line inscription read: "Love was supposed to be forever; Forever was shorter than I thought. XXX." In my 29 years here I've had one really good valentine, now the thought of him makes me want to drink myself into a blackout. Easier to deal with a hangover than to deal with emotion.

So, Tomorrow, I'm taking a big step. I have decided that tomorrow I will be my own valentine. I'm going to a seminar to help me get to know myself; the real me, to take away the mask I hide behind even when I look in a mirror. Kinda scary because I don't know much about what I'm going to find there. It will be good though. Two hours a week for seven weeks I'll be getting to know myself to the core. I am looking forward to finding out.

So yeah, Happy Valentine's day everyone. May you find whatever it is that will make your heart happy this year.

With that, I'll pass.
JD