Balloons deflate too quickly...
I remember when I was growing up playing with balloons. I loved trying to balance them on my fingertips, balancing one on top of another, hitting them as high in the air as I could and running to catch them before they hit the ground, trying to make baleen animals out of the long skinny ones (I was really REALLY good at making snakes)... I really believed I could pull a "Muppets" and tie a bunch of helium balloons to a chair and float away above the treetops in my back yard. Balloons were fun.
The sad part about balloons is that no matter how good of care I took of my balloons, they would eventually deflate and be just a limp piece of rubber. I kinda feel that way tonight.
Something I saw tonight brought on a flash-back to something that happened when I was a kid. Something I had no control over, but something that I'm never going to forget, no matter how much I would like to and it put a little hole in my balloon so it started to deflate.
Imagine standing in the doorway of an old wooden shack, empty and dusty. The only light is a beam of sunlight slanting in from a window. Dust motes lazily floating in the beam as it spills onto the floor. In the corner is this little, lost kid. Dirt on his face, unkempt hair, filthy clothes, crouching, ready to run at the slightest provocation. His eyes are locked on you, full of fear. The pool of sunlight on the floor is just a few inches from his dirty shoes and he's cowering from it, knowing that if he steps into the light, you will be able to see him. That frightens him because he doesn't know what you are going to do...
So tonight I didn't want to say anything to anyone I saw because I knew that whatever came out might well be a lie. I'm in this self-preservation mode that I really need to break out of.
My mind won't freakin settle tonight. Nothing new. I'll stay up until my body starts to shut down from exhaustion then crawl into bed and try to stop thinking for a bit so I can sleep. Things that are out of my controls. I've been stuck on them. I really need to just turn them over and I try, but then something else comes up with work or with friends and everything comes back full force. I don't know where my job is going or if I want to go where it's taking me, I've been foolishly letting myself think about relationships, I've been worrying about my health and not doing anything about it. I. I. I. I gotta let it go. What I really need to do is stop cowering in the corner, afraid of the light, and look out the window to see the beautiful, color-filled people standing just on the other side. They are all parts of a power greater than myself.
Outlook: Ask me tomorrow. Tonight I would just shoot back "Fine" if you asked me how I was doing. All the images and positive things that have been happening have really been scaring me.
So, I'm going to light a candle, meditate and try to turn this all over. I know that tomorrow is a new day and I probably won't feel like this tomorrow. I hope the sun is shining tomorrow. Part of me really misses how it feels.
Peace.
JD
The sad part about balloons is that no matter how good of care I took of my balloons, they would eventually deflate and be just a limp piece of rubber. I kinda feel that way tonight.
Something I saw tonight brought on a flash-back to something that happened when I was a kid. Something I had no control over, but something that I'm never going to forget, no matter how much I would like to and it put a little hole in my balloon so it started to deflate.
Imagine standing in the doorway of an old wooden shack, empty and dusty. The only light is a beam of sunlight slanting in from a window. Dust motes lazily floating in the beam as it spills onto the floor. In the corner is this little, lost kid. Dirt on his face, unkempt hair, filthy clothes, crouching, ready to run at the slightest provocation. His eyes are locked on you, full of fear. The pool of sunlight on the floor is just a few inches from his dirty shoes and he's cowering from it, knowing that if he steps into the light, you will be able to see him. That frightens him because he doesn't know what you are going to do...
So tonight I didn't want to say anything to anyone I saw because I knew that whatever came out might well be a lie. I'm in this self-preservation mode that I really need to break out of.
My mind won't freakin settle tonight. Nothing new. I'll stay up until my body starts to shut down from exhaustion then crawl into bed and try to stop thinking for a bit so I can sleep. Things that are out of my controls. I've been stuck on them. I really need to just turn them over and I try, but then something else comes up with work or with friends and everything comes back full force. I don't know where my job is going or if I want to go where it's taking me, I've been foolishly letting myself think about relationships, I've been worrying about my health and not doing anything about it. I. I. I. I gotta let it go. What I really need to do is stop cowering in the corner, afraid of the light, and look out the window to see the beautiful, color-filled people standing just on the other side. They are all parts of a power greater than myself.
Outlook: Ask me tomorrow. Tonight I would just shoot back "Fine" if you asked me how I was doing. All the images and positive things that have been happening have really been scaring me.
So, I'm going to light a candle, meditate and try to turn this all over. I know that tomorrow is a new day and I probably won't feel like this tomorrow. I hope the sun is shining tomorrow. Part of me really misses how it feels.
Peace.
JD
posted by JD_612 at 8:45 PM
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