Just nod and smile....

Ever have one of those days when you sit back and realize how difficult you've been making life for yourself? Yeah. I've had a couple of days like that lately. This week has been a lesson in living life on life's terms and realizing that everything happens in its' own time and in its' own way.

If you read my last rant-of-a-blog, you know I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to make some pretty drastic changes and it's been causing me just a little bit of stress. I've been sitting back watching all these things happen, which has been kinda cool, but honestly it feels like I've been drinking and have myself a good case of "the spins." It's been making me kinda nauseous. You know the feeling? The "Oh, God, when will the world stop spinning" feeling? Well, this time for me putting one foot on the floor and one hand on the wall behind me as I lay in bed dry-heaving (ok, it's not that bad, but you get the picture) just isn't working. I'm saying, "Oh God, when will things let up so I can get on with my life?" Answer: Life is getting on with or without me.

So what have I been doing? Well, I've been chatting with some good people and venting my fears and frustrations, I've been trying to accept my life as it is and turn everything I can't handle over to my Higher Power and I've been waiting on an answer. Today was a frustrating day at work, but everyone worked together and we got a lot more done than I thought we could have. Synergy, where the sum of the whole is greater than the parts separately. I saw it in action and for some reason it made a bunch of things just 'click' today.

If you picture a conversation taking place between me and my higher power (no, I'm not insane, this didn't ACTUALLY happen although it would be cool and SO much easier if it would), it might go something like this:

Me: I want things settled NOW. Why is it taking so long for me to make up my mind on all this stuff?
H.P.: Well, you're not in control here, I am. I've got something planned for you, just wait and see.
Me: I want to know what it is NOW.
H.P.: What's the fun in knowing the surprises coming your way?
Me: Ugg. So what am I supposed to do in the mean-time?
H.P.: Relax and enjoy what you've got.
Me: But I want more! I want to be doing the things I want NOW.
H.P.: Well, you did that before. Did it work?
Me: No.
H.P.: LOL. Just listen. It'll all come about in its' own time, Just do what's in front of you for now, I'll take care of the rest.

It's kinda scary. I did sign the lease to stay in my apartment for another year although I haven't mailed it in yet. It's in my back-pack which goes almost everywhere with me, but I just can't quite bring myself to drop the envelope in a mail-box yet. Concerning my job, Yeah, it sucks but for now it's not a bad gig. I've been working overtime lately which has been making it easier to pay bills and I figure I can take a while looking for a new job since I'm not in any rush, maybe I'll find something I really like. I just need to keep looking. If I don't like where I'm at, doing nothing will get me nowhere. I gotta keep taking baby steps and eventually I'll reach the destination (whatever that may be). Concerning smoking-cessation, the more I smoke lately, the sicker I get of the habit. I'm letting that run its' course, knowing someday soon I'll get sick enough of it that I'll quit. (*sob* But I'm NOT a quitter!! LOL Yeah, I can't say that anymore.) Concerning School, I'm still going ahead as if it's all taken care of, but from some conversations I've had and some of the feelings I've experienced lately I am questioning my decision a bit more. "Why am I doing this? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I doing this just because I think it's fun and easy? I took the fun and easy route the first time through college and it didn't advance me so much other than giving me some good life experiences. Is this something I want as a career?" These are some of the questions I've been asking myself and some vague answers have been coming. Maybe I shouldn't go to school this year. If I don't I'll have another year to pay off more debt and save up some more, maybe I can get a car so getting to school will be A LOT easier (It takes about an hour and 15 minutes to get to school by bus). I know I can get into the program again at school, the worst that can happen is that I'd have to retake a couple classes to get back up to speed on things. I dunno. It's just a thought, but for now I'm still going ahead "as-if."

Oh! I've developed a new hobby! Well, actually I'm re-kindling an old hobby with plants. Last weekend I went home to visit my family and took a bunch of clippings from my mom's plants. A couple African violet clippings, some ivy, some jade, some mosquito plant (citronella) and have been getting them to root. It's kinda cool to see that they're already starting to put out little tiny roots. It's fun to watch stuff grow.

Ha! I was thinking today about how some people say you're ready to start thinking of relationships when you can take care of a plant. I've never had much difficulty keeping plants alive, but going with the simile... I was looking at one plant today that's actually kinda cool looking, it's a kind of "prayer plant" whose leaves curl up at night. Well, when this plant was young I let it freeze walking it home from the bar (not so long story, but more interesting if I let you guess at it) and the lower leaves on it died so now I have these stalks of plant with leaves sprouting from the top. It looks kinda like a miniature palm tree. It's not supposed to be like that, but it gave the plant character. I had another plant that a cat ate all the leaves off to just a couple sticks in the dirt. I kept watering it and the crazy thing came back better than ever. I'm likening plants to relationships in that, you might do something that hurts the plant/relationship and it either looks dead or gets twisted, but if you put effort in, you might be surprised with the result.

Ok. That was pretty lame and weak. Kinda foofie even for me. I'm not in any way a guru of relationships (that's ONE of the reasons I'm not in one now) and I'm not actually thinking of getting into one anytime soon at all. For some reason though, that came to mind today.

Another thing, I remember when I was just a couple weeks sober going to meetings and sitting in a group saying, "Being sober SUCKS!" I still say that on occasion, but the sucks is in lowercase and much smaller font. Then I moved on to "Life sucks because I'm not." That lessened quite a bit given time. Now tonight I realized that even with all the hooie around me and the spinning feeling and deformed plants, life is pretty much OK. Borderline pretty darn good most of the time.

I'm grateful for the people in my life. I'm grateful for the support network I have. I'm grateful for the people I can vent my frustrations to who just take it in stride and then tell me what they did in a similar situation (another lesson in "I'm UNIQUE! Just like everyone else.") I'm grateful that there are things I actually want to do and care about doing. I'm grateful for the people who have been opening up to me and letting me get to know them better, and I'm grateful for the rain we've had which is making the grass grow.

Ok, I've rambled on enough. Thanks for reading.
G'night all y'all crazy eough to put up with me.
Thanks.

JD