An update...

I've been going through some quiet times lately. Not really planning on posting any of my ponderings tonight, Just thought it would be good to do an update.

Yeppers, school has been postponed for at least another year, I'm staying in my apartment and am sill in the early stages of looking for new employment i.e. thinking of what I might want to do for a job. I dunno.

This weekend I've learned a bit about myself, realizing how much I'm letting fear stand in the way of progressing through life and trying to come up with ways to get past that. I went to this convention this weekend where there were literally thousands of people in one hotel (4000+ on Friday and expected to double by Saturday night) and was really freaking out with all the people around me. Not such a good experience because I was so freakin afraid of everyone. Anywho. The meeting I went to on Sunday was talking about taking risks in life and experimenting with positive things. I really wanted to talk because that's just where I'm at, needing to experiment and not stay in the ruts I'm in, but as usual was just too afraid of the people there.

Fear sucks. I'm afraid of people, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of trying new things, I'm afraid of staying in the rut I'm in... It's just one of the things I need to let go, but am having a real difficult time with lately. I've been calling people more, trying to keep in contact with friends and trying to be places my friends hang out, but fear is kickin' my @ss when it comes to actually hanging out with groups. It's frustrating. I know some really easy ways to start getting over all this, like just going up to people and saying, "Hi." Or going out with people after a meeting, but whenever it comes to that point, it feels like my brain just shuts off and I am put on auto-pilot heading home. This is something I'm aware of and am trying to work on, but right now it's just really hard for me to do on my own.

Anywho. I didn't really want to get too deep, just wanted to update.

Here's some little fun stuff:

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times. Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

You Are 36% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Just nod and smile....

Ever have one of those days when you sit back and realize how difficult you've been making life for yourself? Yeah. I've had a couple of days like that lately. This week has been a lesson in living life on life's terms and realizing that everything happens in its' own time and in its' own way.

If you read my last rant-of-a-blog, you know I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to make some pretty drastic changes and it's been causing me just a little bit of stress. I've been sitting back watching all these things happen, which has been kinda cool, but honestly it feels like I've been drinking and have myself a good case of "the spins." It's been making me kinda nauseous. You know the feeling? The "Oh, God, when will the world stop spinning" feeling? Well, this time for me putting one foot on the floor and one hand on the wall behind me as I lay in bed dry-heaving (ok, it's not that bad, but you get the picture) just isn't working. I'm saying, "Oh God, when will things let up so I can get on with my life?" Answer: Life is getting on with or without me.

So what have I been doing? Well, I've been chatting with some good people and venting my fears and frustrations, I've been trying to accept my life as it is and turn everything I can't handle over to my Higher Power and I've been waiting on an answer. Today was a frustrating day at work, but everyone worked together and we got a lot more done than I thought we could have. Synergy, where the sum of the whole is greater than the parts separately. I saw it in action and for some reason it made a bunch of things just 'click' today.

If you picture a conversation taking place between me and my higher power (no, I'm not insane, this didn't ACTUALLY happen although it would be cool and SO much easier if it would), it might go something like this:

Me: I want things settled NOW. Why is it taking so long for me to make up my mind on all this stuff?
H.P.: Well, you're not in control here, I am. I've got something planned for you, just wait and see.
Me: I want to know what it is NOW.
H.P.: What's the fun in knowing the surprises coming your way?
Me: Ugg. So what am I supposed to do in the mean-time?
H.P.: Relax and enjoy what you've got.
Me: But I want more! I want to be doing the things I want NOW.
H.P.: Well, you did that before. Did it work?
Me: No.
H.P.: LOL. Just listen. It'll all come about in its' own time, Just do what's in front of you for now, I'll take care of the rest.

It's kinda scary. I did sign the lease to stay in my apartment for another year although I haven't mailed it in yet. It's in my back-pack which goes almost everywhere with me, but I just can't quite bring myself to drop the envelope in a mail-box yet. Concerning my job, Yeah, it sucks but for now it's not a bad gig. I've been working overtime lately which has been making it easier to pay bills and I figure I can take a while looking for a new job since I'm not in any rush, maybe I'll find something I really like. I just need to keep looking. If I don't like where I'm at, doing nothing will get me nowhere. I gotta keep taking baby steps and eventually I'll reach the destination (whatever that may be). Concerning smoking-cessation, the more I smoke lately, the sicker I get of the habit. I'm letting that run its' course, knowing someday soon I'll get sick enough of it that I'll quit. (*sob* But I'm NOT a quitter!! LOL Yeah, I can't say that anymore.) Concerning School, I'm still going ahead as if it's all taken care of, but from some conversations I've had and some of the feelings I've experienced lately I am questioning my decision a bit more. "Why am I doing this? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I doing this just because I think it's fun and easy? I took the fun and easy route the first time through college and it didn't advance me so much other than giving me some good life experiences. Is this something I want as a career?" These are some of the questions I've been asking myself and some vague answers have been coming. Maybe I shouldn't go to school this year. If I don't I'll have another year to pay off more debt and save up some more, maybe I can get a car so getting to school will be A LOT easier (It takes about an hour and 15 minutes to get to school by bus). I know I can get into the program again at school, the worst that can happen is that I'd have to retake a couple classes to get back up to speed on things. I dunno. It's just a thought, but for now I'm still going ahead "as-if."

Oh! I've developed a new hobby! Well, actually I'm re-kindling an old hobby with plants. Last weekend I went home to visit my family and took a bunch of clippings from my mom's plants. A couple African violet clippings, some ivy, some jade, some mosquito plant (citronella) and have been getting them to root. It's kinda cool to see that they're already starting to put out little tiny roots. It's fun to watch stuff grow.

Ha! I was thinking today about how some people say you're ready to start thinking of relationships when you can take care of a plant. I've never had much difficulty keeping plants alive, but going with the simile... I was looking at one plant today that's actually kinda cool looking, it's a kind of "prayer plant" whose leaves curl up at night. Well, when this plant was young I let it freeze walking it home from the bar (not so long story, but more interesting if I let you guess at it) and the lower leaves on it died so now I have these stalks of plant with leaves sprouting from the top. It looks kinda like a miniature palm tree. It's not supposed to be like that, but it gave the plant character. I had another plant that a cat ate all the leaves off to just a couple sticks in the dirt. I kept watering it and the crazy thing came back better than ever. I'm likening plants to relationships in that, you might do something that hurts the plant/relationship and it either looks dead or gets twisted, but if you put effort in, you might be surprised with the result.

Ok. That was pretty lame and weak. Kinda foofie even for me. I'm not in any way a guru of relationships (that's ONE of the reasons I'm not in one now) and I'm not actually thinking of getting into one anytime soon at all. For some reason though, that came to mind today.

Another thing, I remember when I was just a couple weeks sober going to meetings and sitting in a group saying, "Being sober SUCKS!" I still say that on occasion, but the sucks is in lowercase and much smaller font. Then I moved on to "Life sucks because I'm not." That lessened quite a bit given time. Now tonight I realized that even with all the hooie around me and the spinning feeling and deformed plants, life is pretty much OK. Borderline pretty darn good most of the time.

I'm grateful for the people in my life. I'm grateful for the support network I have. I'm grateful for the people I can vent my frustrations to who just take it in stride and then tell me what they did in a similar situation (another lesson in "I'm UNIQUE! Just like everyone else.") I'm grateful that there are things I actually want to do and care about doing. I'm grateful for the people who have been opening up to me and letting me get to know them better, and I'm grateful for the rain we've had which is making the grass grow.

Ok, I've rambled on enough. Thanks for reading.
G'night all y'all crazy eough to put up with me.
Thanks.

JD

Believe little of what I say tongiht....

Well, Isn't that just special? I'm in a FABULOUS mood and just want to share it with all my devoted readers. Today was just a GLORIOUS day! Everything went super smoothly within all aspects of my luxurious life. Must have been that nice bran muffin I had for breakfast, just cleaned out all the bad pooie in life. I love Minnesota in Spring! All the hotties running around in their near-nakedness getting all buff for the upcoming months of glistening sweat on tanned bodies. I'm feeling just super sexy today too!

Ok, I can't keep that up, I'm just not that "queeny" although I am taking notes from all the pro's on how to slice-and-dice-with-a-smile. Anywho, I'm a "little" irritable tonight. "Little" as in how Niagra falls is just a "little" dribble of water. Ok, I'm being dramatic and know it but I'm just gonna go with it.

So, things have been a little up-in-the-air for me lately concerning most aspects of my life. School, Work/money, living situation... the future basically. I've been sitting back trying to be patient and let things work themselves out, but I'm getting really impatient with practicing patience. Things I have solidified and/or put in motion: I AM going to school this fall, I AM going to start actually looking for a new job, I AM going to be responsible and go for a check-up and get all the fun tests done again, I AM going to stay in my present apartment for another year.

Basically, I AM going to change my life AGAIN. Now with all those things I AM going to do, there's a lot I don't know about how to actually do them. I have no clue where funding for school will come from, let alone funding for rent/bills while in school, I don't know were to even start looking for a new job. I don't want to go to the Doctor because they'll just tell me I need to quit smoking and take better care of myself. DUH! Like I don't already know that? What? Do they think I'm Stoopid or something? Let me just light another cig before I say that I'm getting really tired of smoking. It really is getting time to try and quit again, but I don't know that I'm ready for it quite yet. Smoking has been an issue lately because I agree with all those anti-smokers out there (most of whom are actually ex-smokers) that smoking is a disgusting habit. I don't like the smell, taste, how it makes me feel, or the image it portrays. It's also affecting some of my relationships. A couple weeks ago some of my friends was harping on me about my smoking AGAIN and they thought it would be funny to bring up a quote from one of their meetings dealing with people in addiction by saying, "Just how much more rope do I need to give you before you go hang yourself?" They thought it was funny, but it just pissed me off. So I took the imaginary rope and used it to make an imaginary boundary in our friendship, kinda like the ropes at museums keeping people away from the art, I will go up to the line, but no farther. Someday, hopefully, I'll take down the rope but not today. Someday I'll quit smoking too and someday my life might make some sense.

There is just so much change that I want to make in my life, yet I don't know where to start. Honestly, I'm feeling very much afraid of these changes. I have some control issues I'm trying to work out. It's fun for a while to sit back and watch life spin around sometimes knowing that life is on a much larger plane than I can see and comprehend, but in the end it just makes me dizzy and nausious.

I've been feeling really distant from people around me lately too. There are very few people that I actually KNOW at all. That's what I get for being a social butterfly and not sticking around when things get rough. This frustrates me, so do Phones. At work I cringe when I get a phone call knowing it'll just be another pissed off customer complaining about the unfairness of Federal Regulations demanding we fix their issues immediately, reaming me a new "one" for not doing anything for them while in the same breath justifying the fact that they don't open their mail from us to know that we sent them forms we NEED to be able to help them. I can usually leave work at work, but then when people I know start complaining about how I didn't return their call on Saturday asking if I wanted to go somewhere with them that night(when I was out of town and didn't have any signal on my phone)my attitude towards phones takes a nose-dive into the "Phones suck" realm just like at work. OH! And what's up with the "You never call!" thing? Hello! Phones DO work both ways, if I have your number, chances are you have mine and aren't using it either. Believe it or not, I actually do return calls if someone wants to just talk.

Arg. WOOF. Sorry, I'm just irritable and full of drama at the moment. Alergies, lack of sleep, lack of clarity/purpose and lack of security are making me fidgity.

Things I know: This will pass. Life is actually going pretty darn well. I am making some good friends and am meeting some great people. I'm using my phone more to call people just to chat and catch up on things. I'm seeing some amazing changes in people around me and I know they're seeing the same in me. Someone else is in control of life in general and that someone knows a heck of a lot better how things are supposed to be than I do. Being humble and admiting that I am wrong sucks, but the outcome/result is phenomenal. I can't control anything outside my own way of thinking and it's time to change that.

So... After that little rant I'll be signing off. I'm assigning myself some reading starting on page 417 tonight. Apologies tendered if I offended anyone, I will be posting better things in the near future hopefully as my life settles down.

Thanks to everyone in my life for being a part of it, I'm learning a LOT from you all. Bear with me, I'm not finished with all this yet but it sure as heck is getting better.

Hugz (too bad I can't actually give hugs online),
JD

Update...

So, I haven't been posting much lately. There's been a lot going on and I really just haven't wanted to share with everyone. It's a mix of really good and not-so good (the optomistic in me says) things but all in all, I'm really learning a lot about myself. And that's a good thing (as Martha says)

So... Some of what's been bouncing around my noggin: I finally decided I will start looking for a new job. At this point I haven't put much effort into it yet because I've been putting in overtime at my current job hoping to save up a little cashola for school in the fall. I will be going to school this fall for ASL (American Sign Language) interpreting and am excited about it. I finally bit back my pride and called my parents tonight to ask them for help (which previously they said they would give me a loan to cover school and help pay my rent) and now they're not so sure they can help. SO I'm kinda stuck. I've been evaluating my living situation thinking I may need to find something different with lower rent. I've been considering finding a roommate or moving into a sober-house while I go through school hoping to save a little money that way. I thought I'd have a little time to think through some options since my lease isn't up until the end of July, but I came home Friday and found my new lease agreement under my door which I will need to sign and return by May 31 letting them know if I'll be staying or leaving.

All these huge decisions concerning work, my living situation, school, all need to be addressed within the next month. I don't have a clue where to start.

Schooling is a lot cheaper at St Paul College than at the University of Minnesota, but I can't register until after my program Orientation (in late june or july) which means I can't apply for financial aid until after I know how much money I'll need by signing up for classes, yet Tuition is due August 14. How the heck does that work? Some of my friends who are in college now have already registered for classes for next fall, so they already have their Loan applications submitted so they're set. Me, no such luck.

Not-so-viable options, I could look up some of my old friends and start dealing (like I could remotely consider that an option now. Puh-leeze!) I could find a nice cardboard box to live in for the next year (wonder if I could get internet hooked up in a cardboard box?) I could find a sugar daddy who would pay for everything just 'cause I'm pretty (yeah, that might have worked a few years ago, but at 30 I'm supposed to be someone's sugar-daddy. Besides, I'm not that pretty.) Or I could make my parents really happy and just move back home and take a menial job and find a girlfriend and marry her and have kids and forget I ever was more than an automaton (this is the most viable of the non-option options so far.)

LOL I am just kidding about all that. I am really getting learned (like my english there? I talk good) in taking baby steps forward, accepting that things are the way they are and that I'm in the right place now doing the right thing. I can't wait to be able to look back on all this in a few years and laugh about how stressed this making me now.

OH! AND it's spring. Mating season is in FULL swing and I'm sticking to my commitment to myself to take a year to get to know myself. It's freakin frustrating, but I'm taking matters into my own hands (literally) and just focusing on getting to know a bunch of people as friends (without benefits) and it's actually been kinda enjoyable. With everything that's been going on lately, I couldn't imagine the stress of dragging someone else into my life now.

So yeah, life is a bit stressful, but it's do-able. I'm really enjoying this spring, all the colors, fragrences, the warmth in the air... It's nice to have my senses mostly functioning.

One side note, now that my mind is working better, I've been realizing how very swiss-cheezed my memory is regarding my life over the past few years. It's frustrating. I'm realizing what my grandaddy is feeling now with his alzheimers in full swing. You know you should remember something about someone and the memory just isn't there. Hopefully the holes will fill in given time, but until they do I'm just trying to make amends where I can. (9th step work for those of you in the program)

OH!!!! Speaking of the program... I am very proud to announce that with the support of all my new friends and my renewed faith in my Higher Power, Monday was my 6 month mark!! Yeah! Woo-hoo! Yippee! It's been very much Up and Down, but all in all this life is turning into a pretty darn good ride. Might look something like this: