Coalescing....

Wow. It's been a whole 9 days since I last blogged. Too long. The holidays have been kinda hectic, but that's not an excuse because I really didn't do much this past weekend. I did some baking, went to church on Christmas, watched a total of 5 movies, crocheted a hat... That pretty much sums it up, just relaxed and took some much needed 'me' time.
This week has been pretty good. Couple little snags in a pretty positive attitude overall, but nothing major. I've been meditating more and it's kinda cool... The random thoughts I've been having lately, some of which I've blogged about, have started to coalesce into something a lot more meaningful or just reinforced themselves into what I think may be a healthy attitude towards life. So those random thoughts weren't so random after all.
It's kinda fun to see how they are meshing. Two of my posts for example, (I know I published one about Loneliness and how it's a choice, the other I don't think I published and if I did, I deleted) were concerning Feelings and how sometimes what we feel about things isn't really the way things are and sometimes we just don't feel what IS real. Two thoughts that were separate floating around in my head until, like two soap bubbles meeting, they got connected and formed one big bubble. Being alone is a choice, sometimes I feel alone, but that's not real. What IS real is that I have a great group of people around me that I can call whenever I want. Even better, I am starting to realize that even though I may not be able to call anyone or see anyone for some reason or other, I am not alone because I have people who care about me and support me whether I feel it or not.
I know it's a simple concept, but it's taken a long time for me to realize it.

People around me have been commenting on improvements they've noticed in my life lately, especially at work: Calmer when dealing with difficult customers, not shaking NEAR as much as before, clearer when giving instructions, etc. Kinda cool.

Random thought: I've heard seagulls will explode if you feed them alka-selzer because they can't burp. Is that true? If so, is it just seagulls or will it work on other birds? I don't think I'm going to test it.

I'm Looking forward to Saturday night. I'm going to a party hosted by GLBT-In-Recovery... Sounds like it could be cool. Hopefully people will want to dance. If not, I'm looking forward to getting to know people better.

Oh, I keep thinking I don't want to make this blog a journal of sobriety, but I'm kinda pumped. Today is day 60 and things are looking up. If things aren't necessarily always looking up, I am at least. One of the things from childhood that stuck, "Keep looking up, what you're looking for will find you."

Peace.
JD

Random thoughts again.

So, I've been putting off blogging lately. Been doing a lot of thinking about different things and trying to get a little more organized with things in my life. It's a process, It's kinda fun, It's hellish to have to be patient. I don't do patience so well when it comes to trying to get things in my life fixed. Anywho...

This past weekend my parents came to visit. We did a little Christmas celebration since I won't be going home for the holiday. I made Lasagne, veggies and Cheesecake for Friday when they arrived. I was showing them my apartment and they checked out my 'pantry' (the front closet by the kitchen I put shelving in so I could actually fit cereal boxes somewhere). They saw it was empty and decided to take me to Sam's Club to fill it for my Christmas present.

I've got mixed feelings about that. It's awesome that my pantry is full and I have food, I'm really thankful for that. At the same time I'm feeling kinda resentful because of it. Here I am trying to get my life in order again and make it on my own, and having to accept something like that. I know it's kinda dumb, but I am having trouble swallowing my pride on some issues lately.

Patience. One of those things I'm really not so good with. Sometimes I can be really patient and just let things happen, but most of the time I just want things to happen and be over with so I can move on to the next thing.

Anywho, I'm doin pretty well. In a bit of a 'funk' today, but getting over it. Thinking about all the positive things around me helps. I have some really awesome friends. I have a decent job. I have a great apartment that's (finally) clean and comfortable. I'm making progress in life. It's cool.

Mood: Content for the most part.

On my mind: Going over things I've heard at meetings and in my relations group about feelings and communication. I need to start voicing what's on my mind. Never know, might actually impact someone. Hard for me to do though.

Advice to self: Get over it, Get on with it, Get off your butt and just let go.

I've been dancing in my living-room. Must look kinda goofy to the neighbors, but It's good exercise. =c)

3 hours later....

Ok. I got the presents wrapped, made dinner, got my laundry out of the dryer and picked up a bit. Not so much cleaning, but oh well. It's kinda nice just chilling for an evening. I realized there's really nothing worth watching on TV and did some thinking on my next art project. I'm trying to decide if I should do something with color or another pencil drawing. Something to ponder as I stare at the blank spot above my couch. I really did a lot tonight. hehe...he. Life is good.

On my mind: Connections

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Muppets rule.

Procrastinating...

I'm supposed to be cleaning my house right now. My parents are coming to visit for the weekend and tonight is the only night I have to clean. I came home with all intentions of cleaning, even did a load of laundry and returned movies. I decided to order a pizza. That was almost 2 hours ago. Couldn't get my logins to work, then just decided pizza is too pricy right now, so I'm blogrolling, doing e-mail, looking at the presents I have to wrap for my family (the paper, ribbon, tape etc. are all sitting out too, waiting for me to get to them), zoning out on my christmas tree, pondering all the noises I hear, thinking of turning on a radio... Just enjoying sitting here doing nothing.

Anywho, I gotta get working on this stuff. At least get the bathroom cleaned and the carpet vaccumed then it'll all look pretty good. Oh. Yeah, presents too. Fun Fun. Dinner first. I don't want to order out, but I don't want to cook. LOL I shoulda gone to the grocery store this week or something. hopefully the folks will take me when they come this weekend. LOL

Mood: faboo.
tasks: not yet done
Outlook: favorable

I'm getting up from this chair now....
Seriously...
I am...

Pending changes....

Ok. I've been thinking lately about my blog. It's kinda turned into a journal of my first few days/weeks of sobriety. I don't really like that. I'm going to be going through and deleting/changing most of the posts from the past few weeks (44 days now!). If you want to know about me, just ask. I'll probably change this post too. Add a few lines and delete others. Right now I'm just going to leave everything for another day or so.

However, since I'm not deleting anything...

I had an eye-opener yesterday. A moment of clarity looking back at the past few years and the friendships I've had. Sad thing is, most of them were based on Alcohol and/or the bar scene. It's sad. I wasted a lot of time on that lifestyle. Didn't get me any real friends, didn't help me advance in life, didn't let me find love. Interesting. I was basing my friendships on something outside myself, possibly as a defense mechanism which kept people from really getting to know me. I know I always was and still am uncomfortable letting down defenses around me. Anywho, I'm getting off subject. If I think about my life and friendships and "delete" the alcohol from it all, There's not much there at all. I tried to base a relationship on sex, going out, and drinking. Seriously, I can't believe how stupid I was. When I was in it, I thought there was a lot more to it, but looking at it: there wasn't any real conversation, no compassion (enough passion) no care, no trust, little honesty on both our parts and no committment at all. Just hanging out, going out and sex. Now, I've got a lot more of a relationship with the friends I've recently met than the guy I spent almost 2 years with. Honesty, Openness, compassion, trust... These are things I'm finding now, things I think I've been looking for for a long time, just didn't realize it. (and all that good stuff without sex! LOL Imagine that! ... I think they're gonna come take away my pink card for saying that.) I'm trying to grasp at this thought, but it's eluding me. I haven't explained it very well, but hopefully enough for it to be understood a bit.

yep. This post is going to be deleted when I clean house. =c)
day 44... Good day, Positive thinking, Watched "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (loved it) great meeting, good friends.

Something going through my Head:

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

I really want to go dancing again soon.

Narnia...

I went to see "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" tonight! Wow! I highly recommend it! Beautiful scenery, great acting, very true to the book (just a few additions to make the movie last longer. The book's only 150 pages or so.) I was impressed.

Today was a good day. Went to a meeting in the morning, made cookies, napped, went to another meeting then went to the movie.

Anywho, I've been thinking again. (scary stuff isn't it?) Anyways, I have been planning on joining the choir at my church. I talked to the choir director on Wednesday night and he said he'd be happy to have me come back. Now, I don't think that's such a good idea. If I'm in the choir I wouldn't be able to see the ASL interpreter for practice, wouldn't be able to sit with whomever I wanted, would have to be committed to being there for practice every Sunday morning and doing all the other stuff the choir does. I think there's probably a better service area for me, just have to find it. I'm also trying to keep in mind that adding a new activity to my life would mean giving up something else, which at this point I am not willing to do. My life, my sobriety and working on meshing the two needs to be the focus of my efforts at this point. Choir would be fun, but would detract from My program. So, I'm not going to do it now. Ugh. I was excited about it too. I'm glad only a few people know I was going to join again. Less explaining.

Ok. It's 2:08 AM and I need to go to bed so I can go to church, come home to make more cookies/candies, go to a meeting, and hopefully meet with my sponsor.

Honestly, I'm in a good mood...

(Instructions: read this at Warp-9 and it might make sense. Any slower and I think you might think I've been thinking too much about this. Ya think??)

Do you ever get that feeling that you've said a lot more than you should have, but didn't nearly say enough? That you put aside all 'masks' to show someone the 'real you,' opened your heart and shared... and forgot how to put it all together afterwards so you're stuck walking around like a dork with your heart in one hand and some stupid 'mask' in the other? 'Course you still gotta smoke with your hands full.

Anywho. Vague preface to all that in as few words as possible...

Needed to talk to someone I hadn't talked to in a while. Needed to ask a question. Needed to do a fill-in on life. needed to apologize. Was scared. Called people for advise: "Ask the question, but be sure you're ready for the response whatever it may be" Thought I was. Response no where near what I anticipated. Ugg.

Basically, I said way too much in very few words, but still managed to trip over them as usual. Got a good response to half the question, no response to the other half and a laugh (however good-natured it was meant to be) at my apology. Now I'm not sure what to think. I know I should "Let go and Let God..." but just keep wanting to 'let loose and let god do it my way.'

Laugh at that, even if you don't see the humor.
I am. =c)

K. Now that's out of the way...

I really am in a good mood today. I think. Either that or I'm going Psychotic and should put a str8 jacket on my christmas list (Although, if I did, I'd probably just get an ordinary jacket from Wally-World. Anything you get there is str8.) Ooh! Example of how I feel... When I was a kid, there was a board game with a litte plastic dome in the center with a couple dice in it. Press the top of the dome and the dice get tossed (kept the dice from getting lost or mistaken for candy by the kids) THAT's what today was like. It's a lot of fun, but sure did get tossed around a lot. Some unexpected combinations came up and I had to just play the game.

Monday was different. Monday was just a dark day. I wanted to be drunk. I didn't want to drink, I just wanted to be drunk. So, I went to a meeting and then called some people. Stayed sober.

Yesterday was Awesome. I had a good day, lots of laughs, couple cries, walked to and from a meeting in the coldest weather yet this winter and had a blast. I went to bed at a decent time and woke up before my alarm today.

Today was just odd. Way too much going on to make sense of it now.

Bad day, Great day, Crazy day... Days 36, 37 and 38. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I'm looking forward to finding out.

Christmas time....

Ok. This is a really bad pic of my tree, I tried getting the pink to show, but couldn't focus the web-cam.





Not so impressive from an old web-cam, If I had a digital camera, it would probably show up a LOT better. Oh well, I like my tree. It's purrdy.

On being lonely...

"We all carry our own deep wound, which is the wound of our loneliness" ~Jean Vanier~

That was a quote from my meditation for today. It talked about loneliness and how we all suffer needlessly from a feeling of loneliness when we know darn well all we have to do is pick up a phone and call someone.
Over the past month I have been feeling a lot less alone than I have in my whole life. I have met people who support me and who care about me just because I am ME. It's a great feeling. All my life I've had feelings of being alone. Now, because I'm being open and honest with myself and with the people around me, who are in turn telling me their stories, I realize that I am not alone. There is not one thing that has happened to me, not one thing I've done or one thought I've had that someone else (someone closer than I thought usually) hasn't had.
I think as humans we like to wallow in the drama of loneliness. It's like a comfort blanket, thinking, "Poor me, I am so alone in this life. Nobody understands what I'm going through. I am the only one in the world who has to do this or put up with this," just because we are too stubborn to open up to the people around us and admit we need help. This applies to anything, not just to addiction. Problems in a relationship, problems with the job, problems with friends, problems with ourselves... Whenever we think we're alone in something, I think, it's because we haven't been open enough with the people around us to realize that they've experienced the same thing. I could go on and on about this, but I'm trying to be more concise and less rambling in my blogs lately, so I've edited out a couple paragraphs going off on this subject. Suffice it to say, that I am developing a new outlook on Life concerning loneliness.

On the lighter side...
Today I finished putting up my Christmas tree. It's cool pulling out the boxes of Christmas decorations that I've accrued over the years. Lots of my ornaments came from friends and family, so they have sentimental value, however eclectic the conglomeration is. Anywho, this year I put a "Tigger" Christmas hat at the top of the tree, have multi colored lights, all the ornaments, candy canes and dressed it all up with a white/opalescent garland I picked up today. When the lights are on in the room, it's kinda pretty having the shimmering white garland, but I had to laugh when I rushed out the door to a meeting tonight. I left the tree lit, went outside and looked up at my window to see my tree. Funny thing about the opalescent coloring... When light of any color shines through it, the garland turns this amazing shade of... PINK. It's all you can see from outside, a brightly lit PINK tree. I feel like I should have decorated it with bribes. LOL. Anywho, I like it! It's fun and frisky. It fits.

Today was day 35 and I'm doing well. On being lonely... I have some friends I'm going to call tomorrow. =c)

Inconvenience in Uptown...

Hey all, Today is a good day. I've just been sitting here, watching TV, watching it snow and putting up my Christmas tree. I love winter in MN, I just don't have a car to get around. Usually this isn't a problem as I can take the bus or walk anywhere I need to go. Today I don't want to be out of my apt very long, but I want to do some shopping. I need to get some tinsel for my tree and I want to get some yarn to try crocheting something (no idea what yet, just want something to keep my hands busy) (keep your mind outta the gutter there). Anywho, I've been thinking of places to go to get these things and realized there isn't a store anywhere close to me I can go to. No yarn stores in Uptown and Target/K-Mart don't sell yarn either. I started looking up stores on the internet and figuring how to get to them by bus. The closest one I could find would take over an hour to get to by bus. I could walk there in that time, but it's too freakin cold out. I can't even bike there today.
I can get the tinsel tomorrow when I'm out'n'about, but today I'm just kinda stuck wishing I had a car for an afternoon. Ah well such is life.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with my tree. I have a fake tree I've had for several years and it's lookin kinda sad. I put lights on it and stuck my "Tigger" Christmas hat I got at Disney World a couple years ago on top, so it's kinda looking OK, but it's pretty bare at the moment. I think I'll go hang some lights in my bedroom now. Gotta liven up the place a bit for the holidays. I'll try and post some pics when I get everything in order. =c)