Pending changes....

Ok. I've been thinking lately about my blog. It's kinda turned into a journal of my first few days/weeks of sobriety. I don't really like that. I'm going to be going through and deleting/changing most of the posts from the past few weeks (44 days now!). If you want to know about me, just ask. I'll probably change this post too. Add a few lines and delete others. Right now I'm just going to leave everything for another day or so.

However, since I'm not deleting anything...

I had an eye-opener yesterday. A moment of clarity looking back at the past few years and the friendships I've had. Sad thing is, most of them were based on Alcohol and/or the bar scene. It's sad. I wasted a lot of time on that lifestyle. Didn't get me any real friends, didn't help me advance in life, didn't let me find love. Interesting. I was basing my friendships on something outside myself, possibly as a defense mechanism which kept people from really getting to know me. I know I always was and still am uncomfortable letting down defenses around me. Anywho, I'm getting off subject. If I think about my life and friendships and "delete" the alcohol from it all, There's not much there at all. I tried to base a relationship on sex, going out, and drinking. Seriously, I can't believe how stupid I was. When I was in it, I thought there was a lot more to it, but looking at it: there wasn't any real conversation, no compassion (enough passion) no care, no trust, little honesty on both our parts and no committment at all. Just hanging out, going out and sex. Now, I've got a lot more of a relationship with the friends I've recently met than the guy I spent almost 2 years with. Honesty, Openness, compassion, trust... These are things I'm finding now, things I think I've been looking for for a long time, just didn't realize it. (and all that good stuff without sex! LOL Imagine that! ... I think they're gonna come take away my pink card for saying that.) I'm trying to grasp at this thought, but it's eluding me. I haven't explained it very well, but hopefully enough for it to be understood a bit.

yep. This post is going to be deleted when I clean house. =c)
day 44... Good day, Positive thinking, Watched "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (loved it) great meeting, good friends.

Something going through my Head:

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

I really want to go dancing again soon.