The week in Revue...

Ok, this week has been insane. I have hit record highs and lows which is really making me appreciate the complexity of life and my existence. I'll start chronologically:

Monday:

Good day, I got to hang out with one of my friends and watch "Brokeback Mountain" after my Monday night meeting. Loved the Movie, Hadn't seen it before, I cried like a baby at the end because I was feeling all kinds of anger at society knowing that stories like that really do happen and at all the Right Wing Fundamentalists that shot down the movie without even seeing it. The "Shirts" at the end really got my tears going too. I sympathized with Jack and his feelings and stuff. I'm not going to give anything away here, I recommend this movie to anyone.

Tuesday:

Started pretty darn good, still feeling anger and frustration from "Brokeback Mountain" Went to a meeting, had a great time seeing everyone again, walked a friend to the Uptown Transit Station. On the way there I looked across the street and saw my Ex. Up to that point I'd been in a pretty decent state mentally and spiritually. Seeing him though shattered my serenity. All these emotions I'd bottled up concerning him were suddenly uncorked and I wanted to run across the street and strangle him. I didn't. Instead, I kept walking for another hour or so and went home to try to sleep. Sleep was elusive that night.

Wednesday:

Woke up pissed. I was feeling all these emotions concerning my ex that I didn't know how to deal with. I was angry, hurt and resentful, kinda all at the same time. I was also pissed that I was getting so pissed off. We Broke up almost a year and a half ago and I'm still having all these feelings because I was not able to deal with them before. Granted, We lived together for seven months after we broke up which was kinda a mind-f@ck, but more so it was that I was drinking to suppress my emotions so I couldn't face what was going on in my head. I did something smart and e-mailed and called a couple people to ask for advice and just to vent. One of my friends was able to come out on my lunch break and meet with me for a while so we could talk and he had some very good suggestions based on what he did when he was in a similar situation. I really didn't want to hear what he was telling me at the time because I was actually feeling justified in my hatred, but he pointed me to a passage on Acceptance (AA Big Book Page 417) that his sponsor has him read regularly. It talked about accepting things the way they are because In the "Big Picture" things are exactly the way they are supposed to be. I didn't want to hear that. It was talking about Accepting that thing are how they are and I need to change my perspective of the situation. Short and sweet of it: I had resentments because I had un-met expectations, Me having expectations is me saying I know what should happen or what is best for me which is me saying that I know better than God* (*as we understand God) how the world should be run. That kinda put a pinhole in my balloon of inflated ego. After work I went to a coffee shop to meet with a couple people and we talked more about all this.

Thursday:

Better day. I started praying for my ex again at the suggestion of others. It helps. Doesn't make the feelings go away, but it helps me to realize that it wasn't all about me and how I was hurt but that it was about our differences and that we just weren't meant to be together. I can deal with that. I don't like it still, but I can deal with that. (Keep in mind that until just recently I haven't' been feeling many emotions at all, so it's not like I'm obsessing about my ex, but that I have all these experiences and emotions that have been drowned by alcohol that are finally starting to resurface.) I met with my sponsor and we went over the story around page 417 and discussed it, then went to a meeting where my sponsor suggested the topic of acceptance for the meeting and I was able to talk more about my issues and turn them over more completely.

Friday:

Good day. I was super-productive at work until about 1:00, then didn't do much of anything until 5:00 when it was time to go home. It was nice. I was able to reflect on the week a bit and see what I had learned.

Saturday:

I woke up early, cleaned my apartment a bit then hung out at Vera's Coffee Shop for most of the day. Funny thing, I saw my ex there. I don't know if he was there when I got there or not, but I was sitting on the porch and saw this girl drive up in a van and my ex came out of Vera's and left with her. I tried to get his attention and wave, but If he knew I was there he was ignoring me, otherwise he just didn't see me. I realized though that I wasn't so angry at him. All the anger and hurt were lessened and I realized more than being angry and hurt, I was missing talking to him. One really good thing about my ex was that I could talk to him whenever I needed to. Granted, oftentimes he wasn't really listening closely to my ramblings, but he did listen enough to get the gist of what I was saying. He got to know me a lot better than most people have and I miss having someone who knows me to that extent. He really is a good guy and I miss his friendship. Maybe sometime down the road we can be friends again. I dunno. We'll see if our paths cross again.

Today (Sunday):

I went to church for the Easter Service. It was good. Then afterward I took the bus home with my friend Anne who lives a couple blocks from me, she wanted to show me her new apartment since I had helped move her in on the first of the month. Ended up making a deal to buy her vacuum cleaner (which I desperately need for my Apt.) then I went to Some Friends' house for a Waffle Brunch. It was an awesome day. I spent most of the afternoon on their back porch with two of my friends just chatting about life. It was awesome. (Struggling a bit not to 13th step someone, but I've made a commitment to myself and only have six and a half more months to go. Woo Hoo!)

So yeah, This week has been full of highs and lows. I've learned a lot about myself and people around me, I've realized more how many really good people are around me and my love for them is increasing as is my acceptance of myself. I've been recognizing my connection to the world around me and accepting that. I've also been really afraid of people lately. A part of one of my prayers is that I can see people around me as God* sees them and I realized that it's starting to happen and I'm loving people which might give them grounds to hurt me so I've been "shutting my eyes" a lot lately. I need to accept them and see them for who they are and love them for it. It's like I want to be with people and let them get to know me, but I'm afraid of them not accepting me so I don't let them get to know me. Vicious circle, easily broken if I make the effort and take the chance.

Huge thanks to everyone in my life who has listened to my ramblings lately. Your patience with me is amazing. I'm still learning the groundwork of my program and am looking forward to building on it. With your love, help and acceptance we can do great things, on my own I can't do much at all.

Thanks.
JD

I hope you're sitting down...

You better be sitting down before you proceed, don't want anyone passing out from shock, but I'm actually blogging because I'm doing pretty darn good today! =c)

Today was a good day, the sun was out a bit, it's getting warmer, grass, crocuses, daffodils, willow trees, shrubbery and everything getting greener. It's cool. I love spring, everything coming to life and this year I really feel a connection with spring. I'm waking up and the fog is starting to lift and I'm seeing life a lot clearer now. I'm actually enjoying life. Sure, I get frustrated at people and things because it's one of my character defects to be selfish and want things my way right away and when I don't get my way, I get resentful. Now that I recognize the pattern, it's getting easier (not easy, but easier) to stop the resentments and/or just deal with them as the come up.

I told my story at a meeting on Thursday night. I was really freaking nervous, but really wanted to let people know a little of my background. I was actually supposed to tell my story a week before, but at the last minute that was canceled, which was a good thing. I had written out my story and was all prepared with note cards and an outline and stuff for the first week, and I'm SO glad I didn't have any of that when I actually told my story. All I took up with me was a watch that a friend loaned me to keep track of the time and one note card. On one side of the note card I had written the third step Prayer, "God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" and on the other side I had 4 lines.

1: Tell what it was like
2: Tell what happened
3: Tell what it's like now
4: BE HONEST!

I am really grateful that I had the opportunity to share my story. It's a kinda freeing feeling. I told some stuff that I have previously only told a couple people. I also got the chance to share about one of my friends I called "Mr Smiley" who played a part in my "What happened" portion and he was there to hear about it. I don't know if he knows I was talking about him or not and I'm not going to tell who it was, but it's a reminder that even a simple smile can stick in someone's head and help them to change. I'll tell ya about it some other time maybe.

I've been hanging out with more people lately and getting to know them a lot better. It's really cool. I'm recognizing that there are a LOT more people supporting me than I realized and that there's a LOT more people I want to support just like they're supporting me. It's a very good feeling.

I'm not on a pink cloud or anything, Life is still not a bed of roses, but it's not always bad. In church today the minister was drawing a comparison between a piano keyboard and life. She was talking about how any good musician knows that you can only be in the middle range for so long before it's all played out and gets boring. To make really good music you need to stretch to the low notes and the high notes, just like in life. You can only go through the middle range of emotions so long before you get bored with it. When you start experiencing the Lows and Highs in life, then life gets a lot more interesting.

Mood: Optimistic. I can handle whatever is around the bend because I don't have to handle it alone.

On my mind: My meditation book today posed a question and suggested acting on it:

If you knew you were going to die soon and only had one call you could make, who would you call and what would you say to them? And why are you waiting?

Think about it.

Peace Out!
JD

S/G/W/M I/S/O NORMIES part 2.

Sorry about the venting, I needed to say that. Things really have been Ok lately, I've been doing a bit more meditating and talking to my H.P. lately and I've been taking a step back from myself to see how exactly things are going. I am really fortunate everything worked out with my schooling, I'm excited about that. I don't know where that leaves my job, but my job isn't a priority. I'll be scheduling my classes and work time around meetings because it's important to me to do that. I think part of my frustration is that it's spring and I'm single and I know it wouldn't be a good thing for me to be at all looking for a relationship right now. I made a commitment with the changes in my life to stay away from relationships for a while but with the snow melting and everything growing, I'm feeling really restless. I think I may have the solution for it though: Find someone I can trust and can talk to who will JUST cuddle occasionally, isn't high-maintenance, who will know what I need from them instinctively, who can make me laugh till I cry, who will show appreciation of the little things in life I can do for them.... I think that leaves me with getting a cat. Anywho. I'm doing ok. I am grateful for the people in my life even when I am frustrated at my life. I really don't want my blog to be all serious stuff, I want to show fun and let people know about the good things that are going on, but lately, it's been difficult to do any of that. Life is interesting and I have a lot more to learn about it before I'm comfortable living life on it's terms but I know it'll come in time. Turn it over and be patient.

S/G/W/M I/S/O NORMIES...

venting...

So, yesterday was my five month mark. I'm doing ok. Had a pretty crazy week. I tried to register for classes on Monday and the system wasn't allowing me to, so I called to find out what was up with that. Seems when I dropped my classes last year (due to a lack of funds from drinking up what I had saved for tuition and a couple months worth of bills) the school withdrew my acceptance to the Interpretor Program. I was really bummed. I made a few calls and practiced "turning it over." Tuesday I got a call from the dean of my department letting me know he remembered me from last year and still had my paperwork in his office. He pushed my application through and Wednesday I got an acceptance letter back into the program. I was going to tell my story at a meeting on Thursday, but when I got there the facilitator came up to me and said he was sorry but someone had actually signed up already and he had forgotten. I was ok with that. I was really excited to have the chance to tell my story, but was kinda freakin out at the same time. I learned this week not to joke with people about anything. I made a joke about inviting one of my friends to something saying "Maybe we should invite him just so he can feel good about himself and think that someone actually cares about him." I was totally joking and thought he would know I was joking because just the night before I was talking to him about how much I value his friendship and care about him. I invited him to my graduation from a seminar I've been in because he was the one person that's seen me through all this stuff I've been experiencing. He's a thread in my story that goes back way before I was deciding to change my life and I am really grateful that he's in my life. Anywho, He ended up taking it seriously. I've been feeling pretty shitty all week because the joke I made hurt him. Ugg. So, I guess I can't make jokes anymore. Back to being serious and no fun. Fun is something I've been missing lately. I'm still in a mindset where fun equals going out dancing, seeing people, mingling, flirting and drinking. I haven't done much of any of that lately and am realizing how much this decision I've made to change my life really affects my life. It's stupid, I know, but I didn't realize how much would change. I did go out a couple weeks ago dancing and had fun, but I didn't fit in anymore. It's wierd. I'm also getting tired of all the program talk lately. I really want to just get to know people without having to listen to them tell me what I should be doing for my program. I have one person I talk to who listens to me, lets me finish my thought and then gives advice on what I could do. Usually I appreciate what other people have to say about their programs because I want to learn from them, but I'm at a point where I actually have thoughts about my own program and want to bounce my ideas off of other people. I don't know if they think it's because I'm stupid or that I'm too new to the program but as soon as I start telling them what's been going on lately (without getting to any of the ways I've been dealing with issues) they start a monologue about their own program and what I should be doing to get over my issues. I wish they would just listen and hear me out once in a while before they start telling me what I need to do. I'm getting tired of gay meetings too. I've been feeling lately that going to gay meetings and hanging out with gay program-workers is more of a show than a real help to me in my daily walk. I "show-up" differently at gay meetings because I know the drama queens are going to be critiquing what I wear and how I act and who I talk to. I'm tired of the drama. I really want to find people I can hang out with that I can just talk with about life in general without the program-lingo and who will actually accept me for who I am rather than critique my every action. It's frustrating at the moment, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I think these resentments fall under me being self-seeking because I want to be recognized as actually having a decent program of my own. When I don't get that my social instinct and ambitions are affected because I want to talk, but people don't listen, so why should I make an effort at talking in the first place? Today I had a chance to hang out with some "normies," people who aren't in the program and aren't addicts/alcoholics. They actually were interested in me because I had some things to say and they wanted to get to know me. It was cool. I wish I knew more normies.

Mood: Frustrated.

Outlook: Ok. I know this is just a funk that I'll get out of sometime soon, just wish It would happen now. My patience has been tried too much lately for me to want to wait. but wait i will.