I think this is getting to be habit forming...

So, Yeah, I think this getting to be habit forming. This blogging thing. LOL I'm finding myself sitting here on a normally a Tuesday or Saturday night typing away to a world of people who have no clue who I am. It's odd to think about. I've had 472 'hits' on my blog since June 12th. Four hundred and seventy two times has this page been opened by some unsuspecting person(s) in just under a month. That's really boggling to me. (Would that be bloggling?) I know I get counted every time I view a new posting, but I haven't looked at the page 72 times this month, let alone 472 times.

It's kinda creepy. LOL I like it.

I'm in a goofy mood tonight. Today was a hell-day at work, but I made sure everyone was laughing and I tried to make the best of it. It made the day go quickly at least. Tonight I went to a meeting again, afterwards I heard there was some new guy looking for a sponsor and someone suggested I go talk to him... Of course I tucked tail and ran away. On the walk home I was finding all these justifications as to why I ran: He's at PRIDE and I don't have a car to get out there... He doesn't know anything about me... I wouldn't be a good fit for him... I'm not ready to be a sponsor... Pretty much all that boiled down to my character defects again. I'm afraid. I don't have confidence in myself that I could actually be someone's sponsor, but I am willing to give it a try. I know that if he had been able to ask me, I would have agreed. Kinda freaky for me to think about, but I would have. I did talk to the girl at my what I've chosen as my home-group on Friday and I'm on the list of people to be sponsors for the group. I put my name into he palm-pilot myself. (I can't believe I did that!)

Anywho, I have really started enjoying blogging. I back-up all my entries in a journal file and add personal notes quite often and it's really cool to look back at what I've written and see how things are coming along.

Tonight I realized I need to start working on accepting compliments from people. I got a couple 'looks' tonight (in a good way) and some compliments on how good I look. I just smiled, blushed and brushed it off. Last week (when I was in a kinda funk) I did the same thing when I was talking with a friend on the phone and he was telling me good qualities he sees in me. My reply to him was, "Yeah, Whatever." What was going through my head was that my friend was lying to me, that he really didn't see any good things in me but was trying to make me feel better anyhow. In my minds' eye I'm still a little, fat, buck-toothed, pimply-faced kid in heavy, black, plastic glasses. I KNOW that I'm the one with the twisted view. My friend last week really does care about me. That's why he invited me to get Ice-cream last night. I need to work on accepting me for who I am now, not for who I was years ago when the walls in my world went up. It's really hard for me to get over that.

Not to get 'preachy' or anything, but I do pray every morning and night. One of the things I always pray is: God* let me see the people around me the way YOU see them, starting with the person in the mirror. It's working kinda in reverse though. I'm noticing things in people I never noticed before. How caring they are, how much compassion they show, how I really appreciate the people who are trying to make their lives better and honestly sharing what's going on in their worlds. Those are some of the things I'm really noticing in people. Those are the people I'm choosing to hang around with and I really LIKE it.

Anywho, I could go on, but I better head to bed soon.
Take Care.
JD.

Softball, Mango-ginger sauce and Cinnamon-Caramel Swirls...

This week has been an amazing week. Crazy thing is, I can't for the life of me figure out why it's been so good. It just has. I have a few hypothesis, but no real evidence why.

I finished reading Stephen King's book 'Gerald's Game' which I recommend as a sick/twisted Page-turner, I went to meetings every night this week, I met a bunch of people and got to know a friends better... Basically, I had fun.

In the meeting I went to on Sunday, the topic was "making sure to put FUN in your life." (or something along those lines.) It's something I've been thinking about for a while and finally did. Living life on Life's terms isn't always easy or fun, so I need to remember to do things I enjoy instead of focusing all day every day on staying clean and sober.

So, as far as the title of this blurb of a blog...

Sunday I did something I haven't done in a LONG while, I went and watched some softball games. I had a BLAST!!! The Minneapolis/St Paul area has a softball league called the Twin Cities Goodtimes Softball League (sometimes referred to as the Twin Cities GAY Softball League) that plays every Sunday in the summer. I know several people on different teams and was just last week talking with a friend about how I like watching games even though I know I couldn't/shouldn't be on a team because, let's face it, I suck at playing sports. I like to get out and have fun, but I'm not competitive enough to care that I'm not good at it, and I know it frustrates people who are competitive that I'm more afraid of actually hitting a ball than getting hit by a ball. I don't think I'd have a clue what to do! LOL Kidding.
Anyhow, Sunday I decided to go watch my friends play. I had no idea how big the league had become! There were 8 fields in play with teams waiting their turn to use them. So much eye-candy I got distracted/lost and took a nice long stroll before my friends actually found me before I found them. All I have to say about some of those hotties is **WOOF**
I had a blast and will definitely be going again.

I've been doing some experimental cooking lately, mostly due to my lack of the usual ingredients, but I've made some really good concoctions. Last night I cooked up the last of my chicken, and made a stir-fry with Rice, Chicken, broccoli, Onion, Mushroom and Celery. I made a nice Lemon sauce to top it off. Tonight I still had those veggies but decided to get some Tofu since the chicken was gone. The stir-fry was actually better tasting because I took more time to Cook everything slowly, but the kicker was the Awesome Sweet'n'Spicy sauce I made. I took two mangoes, cut them up, About a tablespoon of fresh-shredded ginger, a teaspoon of cayenne pepper, about 1/4 cup sugar and a tablespoon of white vinegar, let it cook and mashed it all up (Food processor would have been handy tonight) and thickened it with Cornstarch. Ohmygod... It was good! Tangy, then sweet with a heck of a spice kick at the end. Very Enjoyable.

Cinnamon-Caramel Revel Ice-Cream was my dessert tonight. I had cake and Ice-cream at home, but instead of that, one of my good friends invited me to get ice-cream with him. We Went to a place called Sebastian Joe's, which is one of the best Ice-cream Parlors I know, Got a scoop of Ice-Cream and sat in front of the shop just chatting away. I really enjoyed it. The friend I went with is one I really am grateful to be able to call a friend. He's a bit quirky at times, but that's part of why I like him, I understand him and I respect him immensely. Yep, He's a good egg.

So, yeah, I really can't figure why this week has been so good. Probably because I'm actually having FUN living life today. I don't know what tomorrow may bring, but I'm grateful for the experiences I've had. There are getting to be a LOT more 'good' days than 'bad' ones.

For that I'm grateful.

I'm grateful....
I was able to pay my bills yesterday and have a few dollars to spare for fun things.
I've been averaging half a pack of cigs a day (less than usual for me). Hoping to quit sooner than later.
I got to chat with a couple people this week and get to know them better.
I am healthy for the most part.
For all the free/cheap fun things there are to do in this city.
For the people who have been 'cleaning their side of the street' for 22 years who can show me how they did it.
For forced-creative-cooking that does occasionally produce some good results.
My complexion is starting to smooth out, fewer blemishes and the Gin-mark on my nose is fading.
I don't have to worry about making things happen so much, things have a tendency to happen how they're supposed to happen, when they're supposed to happen and I'm starting to be OK with that.
For the clear glimpses of the moon I had this week and the sunsets I saw.

Later Gator.

=^._.^=

JD

Tuesday night again...

It is once again Tuesday night. It's independence day here, (Fourth of July) and I don't really have a lot to say tonight. Things are going Ok. Not great, but who says life is supposed to be great all the time? Today I woke up at 8:00 on the dot which is about 3 hours later than I usually sleep in, I cleaned my apt. a bit, made a cake with peach filling and butter-cream frosting from scratch, watched a couple movies, took a nap, went to a meeting, and came home. It's been a really nice, relaxing day. I got a couple phone calls today from people and one last night. This is note-worthy because my phone hardly ever rings, but then again, I don't use it much myself. Anywho, starting with the call I got last night, every call today was from people I've met in the past 8 months who were calling because they cared. When they called, it made me feel good. I gotta remember that and start calling people more so I can share that feeling. Simple, but effective way of letting people know I care about them.

So, I've been looking at my progress of late and it feels good to see how far I've come and even better to see how far I still have to go. I used to think I was smart and that I knew a lot about the world. I'm realizing that the world I knew was the world of my mind and that there is a lot more to the world than what I can wrap my mind around. To make it more direct and blunt, I am seeing how self centered I was. I knew a lot about the things I cared about. If I didn't care about something I figured it wasn't worth wasting time learning about. Funny thing though, how am I supposed to know if I care about something until I start to learn about it?

For those who don't know me, I'm in Minneapolis, MN, USA and am currently delving into the recovery scene here. I'm meeting all kinds of cool people from A.A., N.A., Al-Anon, O.A, S.A. and a couple other groups. It's amazing to me to see how working a 12-step program can seriously change someone's live. Working with the other groups is cool too because I am getting different perspectives on life. I know my story and the stories of people like me, but I've been learning a lot lately from the people in the groups I'm not really a part of like Al-Anon, O.A, S.A. etc. It amazes me to see them working their programs and getting through their issues the same way I am with mine. We're not as different as I thought. Granted, the issues are different, but we as people are benefiting from the same type of program and support.

OH! Last post I was saying something along the lines of how I really wanted to get out of my skin and escape my life for a bit, well I remembered a way to do that. Reading. I've been reading a lot lately. Since I posted on Thursday, I finished off the last half of the 5th Harry Potter book, read an amazing story by a local author, Joe Babcock called "The Tragedy of Miss Geneva Flowers" and am about a third through Stephen King's book "Gerald's Game." An odd mix of characters, but it gets me out of my head for a bit and in more than a few instances I'm seeing how the characters handle situations I'm currently going through (usually learning how NOT to deal with them). It's cool anyhow. Does anyone out there have any suggestions for more good books to read?

Today, I'm grateful for...
*The People in my life who care about me no matter how I mess up or what my mood is.
*A couple phone calls that really brightened my day.
*One really good friend I talked with last night who I am really grateful to be able to call a friend and who I really respect. He reminded me of a couple things just when I needed it, he listened to me, he had me laughing and crying at the same time... He's a good egg.
*My needs are being met. Not my 'wants' but my 'needs' even when I have a hard time differentiating between the two.
*I have a way to post a couple random thoughts where people can read them when I can't talk about them or possibly so someone might ask me about them.
*The nice cool weather we've been having.
*I'm starting to realize I'm ever alone in anything I've done, gone through, experienced, felt, thought... There's someone who's gone through or done everything I have, it just takes a bit of looking to find them sometimes.
*The time I had to sleep in today and then my nap. I feel a lot better for getting some decent sleep.
*My family (I called them today) that loves me even though they don't accept or understand everything about me.
*Today Marks the 246th day in a row that I found I didn't need to drink/use to get through the day.

Life is good.

One last note: Lately I've been thinking a lot about acceptance, my fears and faith. (Not always in that order.) Anywho, I came across a quote about courage I want to share. It was used in the context of learning to give up fears and control of things outside [myself] and how it takes courage to do that. This has been bouncing around a bit and I just want to share it because I like it.

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die.
~G.K. Chesterton~

Nite all.
Hugz.
JD

Saturday night ramblings...

Ok. I'm tired, I have a lot of things bouncing around in my head that I want to get down quickly so this may not make much sense. When I get tired, my defenses drop and I tend to think less of what's going on at the moment and more a general overview of things. When this happens I tend to notice a bunch of stuff.

Ok. It's Saturday night and I'm home alone. I'm ok with that. I just got back from a meeting and got a chance to talk to someone and touch briefly on some of what's been going on.

So, My last entry was about Gay Pride. It was a definite 'trigger' weekend for me. I Pride was always something I looked forward to every year even though I rarely remembered the whole weekend. I remember this past weekend very clearly. I was not ready to be in that environment, It brought up a bunch of emotions that I wasn't expecting and since then I've been thinking about how nice it was to go out drinking and be able to get out of my skin. I'm still not really comfortable in my skin, but I'm a lot happier now with life than I was before, It's not easy, but it's a heck of a lot better.

The future... I've been reading the 5th Harry Potter book lately and I'm at the point where the students go in for advising on what classes they'll need to take to get into whatever field they want to work in. I always hated those tests. For me the tests were extremely inconclusive. The careers that were a constant were always Brewmaster/winemaster or FBI investigator, I thought that was funny. Anywho... I was thinking of my jobs I've held in the past because I have this feeling I need to get out of the job I'm in. It's an ok job, but not something I want to make a career of. The Aptitude tests never told me what I should do for a career, the only result that came up was that I could do anything I wanted to. I'm getting that now. With all the jobs I've had in the past, I've excelled in whatever I put my mind to. I've never been turned down after an interview. I can learn a new job very easily and do well in it. I tend to get promoted quickly, get uncomfortable with the level of responsibility then leave. Not just jobs, I have this tendency to throw myself into things hardcore and work at it until I'm almost good at it, then I abandon that plan and try something else I think might be better. Why?

I was talking with my sponsor this week and he made a suggestion that I work more on my social network. I don't think he meant for me to focus on that, but out of all the things we talked about, that suggestion sticks out far more than any of the rest of the conversation. I'm looking at how I 'show-up' in life, how I act in different situations. I'm definitely a wall-flower. I stand off to the side and just watch whatever is going on rather than joining in. I'm realizing that that's not helping me at all. I need to be interacting with people more. This was something I was thinking about even before my sponsor suggested it, but since he suggested it, I'm going to make a real effort to do it. I think that may be one of the reasons Pride was so difficult for me, I ran into a bunch of people I used to hang out with and have fun with. I don't do that so much any more. I need to work on balancing my social/work/spiritual/self stuff.

Feelings are just feelings, they just 'are'. They're neither good nor bad, they're just my reactions to how I perceive the world. I'm tired, so my feelings have been stirred up a bit. I'm angry at myself for how I messed up my life so quickly when I see how long it's going to take to fix the damages I've done. I miss hanging out with people. My caretaker side is kicking in but I don't have anyone to take care of . I'm volunteering for a lot of things and working overtime at the moment and I'm neglecting taking care of myself. I'm lying to people when they ask how I'm doing because I just don't want to be open.

Me Me Me... Wow. Notice a trend? "I" Doesn't seem that different from what I was writing 8 months ago. (Today is my 8 month anniversary)

I cannot control anything outside myself. I used to think I knew a lot about the world until I realized the world was a lot bigger than the things I could wrap my mind around.

Really, I know I'm ok. Things aren't 'peachy' now, but they're getting better, one day at a time. I think it's amazing that I can actually think about things like this. Even more so that I can learn from how my thoughts are whirling around in my head. I am really grateful to be alive and to be here and to be learning life lessons. Every day seriously is a miracle.

I am grateful for the friends I have now who actually care about me.
I am grateful for the warm weather.
I am grateful for the experience of watching my plants grow.
I am grateful for someone who confronted me on lying about being "Fine" today.
I am grateful for the extra income I've had from working overtime.
I am grateful this is the last week of overtime for a long while.
I am grateful for my comfortable apartment.
I am grateful for food in my fridge and a couple dollars in my pocket.
I am grateful for a mind that is starting to work better.
I am grateful that with help I made it through 243 days without trying to slowly,sweetly kill myself like I had been.

Thank you all.

Hugz.
JD