Fear itself...

A quote came to mind tonight as I was riding the bus home. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." This is credited to Franklin D Roosevelt and it's a quote I've tried to keep in mind, but keep forgetting. Today I had a run-in with my fears and I let them get the better of me for a while. It's funny (well, not really, but that's that way it's said) how I let my fears get the best of me and keep me from doing things I want or need to do.

So what happened? Today I had to face one of my 'triggers,' actually, the single biggest trigger I have at the moment. For those not in the program-type-scene, a trigger can be seen as something or someone that has a tendency to set off a series of negative thoughts, events, etc. We all have triggers, mine make me want to give up and give in to the negative thought process I have which would start me on a downward spiral into oblivion. In short, they make me want to drink and drink a lot, so I try to avoid them until I have to deal with them. I'm always afraid of facing my triggers because I don't know how I'll handle them.

Back to today... So, I faced one of my triggers. It was something planned and I was prepping my self for it and I was scared. I was thoroughly gripped by fear, almost panic like fear. I started shaking, thinking it would be so much easier to face this if I had a little 'inebriation lubrication' going through my system, but then realizing that this was something I had to do and to do right. (I needed and was given a lot of support to get through this...Thanks Guys)

So I faced my trigger all prepped for an explosive situation... and it didn't happen. I was so afraid of facing this thing and then when I actually faced it, I was very clear headed and everything went swimmingly. I realized my trigger doesn't have any power over my life unless I allow it, that my reaction to it is something I actually do have control over. Kinda cool. I wonder how many times I'm going to have to work myself up like this until it finally gets through my thick skull that Fear isn't something I should let control my life.

Mood: Not quite serene, but the waters are beginning to calm.
Outlook: As Martha would say: It's a GOOD thing.

On my mind: Another quote I read when I was in 4th grade. At the time I thought of it as a magic chant that would make everything disappear, now I understand the words a lot better. The Bene Gesserit litany against fear from Frank Herbert's DUNE series:

I must not fear
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the Little-Death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will let it pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Just a moment....

So, I'm going to bed soon. Not doin so great at the moment, you may not want to read this post. S'ok I won't know any different. I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone out there a happy Valentine's day. I was going to be all satirical and crass tomorrow and wear all black to celebrate. I went into my closet to check and find clothes that still fit, then I realized that the only outfit I could use was the one I bought for one of my best friends' funeral. So yeah, spun me off into a whole different wave of thinking.

The day dedicated to St. Valentine. Who was he? Just a guy who rebelled and performed marriages when it was against the law. He was thrown in jail and died for his belief. Not so different from today's world where the law would not recognize my marriage if I were to get married today. People getting beat up and killed for the belief that they have the right to exist as a human being equal to other humans. Teena Brandon and Matthew Shepard to name two. In the society's eye, they were twisted and wrong for believing that they had the right to love whomever they wanted. My parents say a prayer for me every day and cry when they tell me I am going to hell because I think I have the right to love whomever makes me happy. Love is a fickle thing.

I was checking out tattoo sights recently thinking of getting one for my 30th birthday. I saw this guy with a tattoo across his chest in very elegant calligraphy. It was kinda difficult to read because the lettering was done in reverse so that whenever he looked in a mirror he could easily read it. The three line inscription read: "Love was supposed to be forever; Forever was shorter than I thought. XXX." In my 29 years here I've had one really good valentine, now the thought of him makes me want to drink myself into a blackout. Easier to deal with a hangover than to deal with emotion.

So, Tomorrow, I'm taking a big step. I have decided that tomorrow I will be my own valentine. I'm going to a seminar to help me get to know myself; the real me, to take away the mask I hide behind even when I look in a mirror. Kinda scary because I don't know much about what I'm going to find there. It will be good though. Two hours a week for seven weeks I'll be getting to know myself to the core. I am looking forward to finding out.

So yeah, Happy Valentine's day everyone. May you find whatever it is that will make your heart happy this year.

With that, I'll pass.
JD

correction

Just a quick correction... I was really tired when i wrote the last entry. My B-day is 2/26, that's actually 13 days from today, I was off by a week. You all better wish me a happy b-day dangit! lol I'm excited to be turning 30.

Ugg.

Tonight I'm very fatigued. Not fatigued as in dressed in army clothes and ready to go to the Eagle, but just exhausted. My thoughts are whirling around my head a million miles out, every once in a while a profound thought gets reeled in and slams through my consciousness leaving me feeling like, "Whoah! What was that? A thought! Wow. Groovy man." Then the thought's gone. Yep, It's been a long week. I now know how to monitor the foreign transactions on all our CheckCards used in a day, recognize patterns of use, recognize counterfeit cards vs. Legitimate cards, check to see the exact instant (down to the 10th of a second)a card was swiped or a number was keyed anywhere in the world... I can balance the six different General ledgers used in my department, I have a fair grasp of the Legaleze terminology of the Federal Reserves' various regulations for banking procedures, I can obtain video to watch a woman press her very large breasts against the camera in an ATM to obscure the camera view as she inserts an empty envelope into the ATM claiming the envelope contained $500 in cash and I can sit and listen to people crying, screaming, swearing at me, etc. then calmly explain that my department is not allowed to care about their living situation, only about their claim with us. I can do all that, now I just need to be able to do all that at the same time. Fun fun. For an in-between-jobs job, this one has lasted three years. I'm so ready for it to be over. I love the people I work with to death, theirs, not mine, may their demise be hastened along.
Funny thing though, With all this, I'm still doin pretty darn good. I've been pruning some dead branches in my life lately and it feels good. Kinda like this little shoot of bamboo I have at work, Everyone thought it was dead when I stuck it in some dirt and started giving it very healthy doses of water. I even had my doubts about it making it. Poor plant. Today though, I was watering it again (I honestly had almost given up on it) when I noticed a little tiny sprig of leaves starting to push through the brown husk. I wanted to help it out, so I peeled off the dead husk and just under the surface the whole stock was green and healthy. That's what I've been working on this week, pruning and peeling the dead stuff away. Severing some old ties and getting rid of stuff I just wanted to hang on to for sentiment. All triggers. Boom. I think once this dead husk I used to call my life is completely peeled away, there's a pretty good one underneath. Excited to see it come out.
Yep. Life is good. I'm exhausted (never tired, you're only tired when you're old and worn out) and I'm rambling. This would be an excellent night to play 'Spill your Guts' (kinda like truth or dare but without the dares and everyone has to answer the questions) because I don't have enough energy to hold anything back and really want to let it all out.
With that I'll pass.
JD

Outlook: Red in the morning, sailors take warning, red at night, sailors delight. Not sure if that's referring to the skies or a ladies dress, but tonight is looking like a night for red.

Current thought: My bed is so far away, in a whole 'nother room AND "wow, in nine days I'll be hitting that age where I think guys are HOT rather than Cute"

Night all.

Good test...

Hah! Finally one of those crazy personality tests I like! Anyone want to test it out?

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Ok. I'm evil and changed the image above, just needed it to be a little more masculine. I'd be the gruff one.

Yeppers, things are pretty good right now. Work is a little overwhelming, I'm getting the gist of everything I will need to do for the next few weeks (thinking I may need to get a doppleganger to complete it all) and leaving work at work. I'm realizing I can't do more than I am able to, the rest just has to be left aside. I'm realizing I have some great friends and am enjoying getting to know them better...

Still want to put this test to the test. hehe. =c)
JD

Lazy Saturday...

I love days like this. I slept in until 9:30, did some laundry, made breakfast, Watched a movie (40 Days & 40 Nights), checked out other blogs for a while, took a nice long shower, watched another movie (Uptown Girls), Called my friend Brandee in Nashville, chatted a long while, now I'm just chillin a bit. I haven't gone outside, too cold, but I've been enjoying the sun streaming in through my blinds. Been doing a lot of thinking about life in general lately, getting to know myself better, hanging out with friends, stuff like that. It's been good.

Last Night I tried to have a movie night at my place, but everyone I thought to invite already had plans, so one of my newer friends came over and we just hung out and chatted about all kinds of stuff. It was really cool. I really like getting to know people, but there are some people that lately I've just been 'clicking' with and having great conversations.

Now I'm just chillin, letting all the new info I've taken in from life settle in for a bit. Don't know what's up next, but looking forward to it.

Mood: RELAXED. Surprising after this past week, but I'm really feeling good about things.

Outlook: Very Positive. The low points in life really do make me appreciate the middle ground and high points more.

Most recent Mental image/story: I've been seeing my life like a big glass sphere lately, about the size of a basketball that I'm holding in my hands. At one point the sphere started to crack either from being dropped or being smashed or just getting weak over time. When it started to crack I tried to hold it together but it just cracked and splintered more until I was trying to hold together a mass of sharp glass shards that cut into my hands, I was embarrassed by it and didn't want to show anyone else. For a while I was pouring liquids over it which filled all the cracks but then they just ran out and dried up. Finally I got so disgusted with trying to hold the sphere together by myself that I went looking for a way to fix it. I ran across someone holding a sphere just like mine, It was cracked, but it was staying together a lot better than mine. When I asked him how he did it he said, "Here, let me show you" and he took one of his hands and placed it next to mine. With his help we could arrange the pieces of my sphere better and they started to hold together, cracks where still apparent, but the pieces were staying together. Then I did something odd, I took one of my hands away from my sphere to help him hold his, it was warm under my fingers which was unusual to me because mine was always so cold when I was trying to keep it together. He said, "This is how it works: I help hold yours; you help hold mine. Even though you can't see them, there are other hands helping me hold mine together just like I'm helping hold yours." I felt my sphere starting to warm up from his touch then I looked and suddenly it wasn't just our two hands holding my life sphere together, there were hands reaching out to me from all over, hands of people holding spheres like ours. Each hand that reached out to help hold my sphere together increased its' warmth and stability. I slowly learned that I could reach out to the other people helping me to help them...

That's as far as I've come in the story. If/when more concerning this thought process/image happens, I'll share that too.

Peace.
JD

Stress....

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT SUTIABLE FOR THE WEAK-STOMACHED PEOPLE OUT THERE.

Ok. So, lemme tellya about what's been goin on lately....

This week I haven't been feeling so well. Waives of nausia, lack of appetite, headaches, fatigue, 'hersheys squirts'lots of fun stuff... I thought I caught this 'bug' that's been going around work that's been laying people off for a couple days. I was freakin out about it! I was thinkin' "Man! I can't be getting sick! I can't afford to be sick now!" Then On Tuesday I woke up and had this really nice, itchy rash going over large areas of my body. Itched like hell. I really started freakin out at this point. I was thinking the 'bug' going around work had mutated and I was starting the next trend of illness at work. I really wasn't a pretty sight. I went to work anyways and was thinking about all the stuff I had to do and how I was getting sick and trying to take care of all the extra work coming in and all of a sudden I recognized a pattern. The headaches and nausia were coming in severe waives that day and I realized that they always started when someone was asking me about something having to do with work. Suddenly a lightbulb exploded into existance in the mess of my brain and all the symptoms added up to one thing.... stress.


Here's the scoop: I have two weeks now to learn my supervisor's job so I can train in her replacement (I DON'T WANT HER JOB), while I'm learning her job I have to fill in for employees who have called in and for the open position in my department making sure all the work gets done by the due dates AND I still need to complete MY job, all the reports/spreadsheets/research/crisis-calls and do interviews for the open position. Then in two weeks I will be filling in for my supervisor until a new one can be found OR train in the new supervisor, train in the new hieree, fill in for an employee on vacation and still get all my stuff done. Yep. Stress. It sucks but life goes on. On the upside, as soon as I recognized all my symptoms were due to stress and not an illness, I started to improve. Rash went away (still red where I scratched trhough the top layer of skin though), nausia became controllable, Still have the headaches and no appetite, but It's all manageable.

Fun fun. Odd how the brain can cause physical effects on the body.

Who wants to trade lives with me for a couple weeks? Anyone? I'll give you my first born child. LOL

Other than that drama, things have been pretty darn good since my last post. I got my 90 day chip last Sunday, realized this is the longest I've been sober since I started drinking after high-school, I've been getting together with friends and getting to know them better, getting to know myself better... Outside work, my life has been the three M's of sober bachelorhood (meetings, meditation and m-something-else-not-for-blogging-about) I did get kinda artsy the other night and turned a couple of my shot-glasses into candle-holders, kinda messy, kinda fun, kinda pretty. Yeppers, things are pretty much Okey-Dokey now.

Mood: stressed, but in a good place.
Outlook: Good. Looking forward to getting through all this mess. The end is in sight.

Thanks to all who have been great sounding boards lately. I love the constructive criticism and suggestions and always welcome them.

Hugz all around.
JD