I don't like gray days...
Today was a gray day. Overcast, chilly, dull... Kinda reflected my mood today. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling.
So, it's been a while since I've been able to post anything. Not that I haven't had time or wanted to, but I've been so drained that I just couldn't sit and write anything. As I said in my last post, I've been attending this seminar where you get to know yourself better. Making lists of resentments, fears, sexual misconduct, and things I'm ashamed of that don't fit on one of those three lists. Writing down everything I can think of in each category, then explaining in writing why those things made it on my list, then looking at what part of myself was affected by those things and finally writing down the part I played in each situation. It's been INTENSE. After making all these lists and doing some pretty in-depth self examination I had to take those lists and share them with someone else. That's what I've been doing for the past six weeks. This week is the final night of that seminar. I'm glad I attended, but I'm really glad that it's done for now.
What I learned about myself:
I am afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of people, of things I can't controll, of things I don't know anything about... When I feel fear I react poorly. My fear of people makes me stand apart from them and not let them get close or, if they are do get close to me, my fear makes me pull back from them because eventually they're going to leave or I'm going to leave or something else will happen where I end up getting hurt by them. Well, that's what my head tells me. My heart on the other hand really wants to let people into my life. My heart tells me I need to accept people caring for me and to care for them. It's a risk, but it's worth it. Right now my head is winning the battle over my heart.
I'm a lot more self centered than I thought. When I was going over my list of resentments, it became very apparent that my self-centerdness actually caused a lot of my resentments. I didn't get my way, or I didn't get what I wanted either emotionally or in material ways so I got angry and I was holding a grudge. I had a lot of resentments toward my ex-boyfriends. I filled up an entire page with resentments toward my last one and basically I have those resentments and I feel hurt because things didn't go the way I wanted them to. We all know that MY WAY IS THE BEST WAY in any and ALL situations. If you don't know that, just ask me and I'll tell you, "My way IS the best way." Right? WRONG My way works for me, but since I don't have controll over how other people feel, my way is usually not the best way for them. I know that, but it still sucks. Living life on Life's terms is hard.
My way to react to my resentements and fears is to lie to get out of the situations. Either to make up a story or just not tell the whole truth about something. If I do that then nobody knows what's really going on in my life and nobody needs to worry and I can pretend the situation didn't happen. I lie to myself as well as to other people. LYING DOES NOT WORK IN THE LONG RUN. Eventually my lies get so big because I have to keep telling more lies to cover up the previous lies that I get caught in the lie which usually causes a resentment or two or twenty from someone else. I've been making a serious effort over the last (almost) five months to not lie. It's getting easier, but now my lies are more just not telling anyone what's actually going on in my life than making up a story. I lie to get out of situations, I lie to impress people, I lie to make life seem more perfect than it is. YES, not telling the whole truth is the SAME as telling a blatant lie. It sucks, but it is what it is.
So yeah, that's what I've been learning lately. I've been on an emotional overload and not feeling much of any of it. Today, however, being the gray day that it was, my emotions decided to wake up again. I am really grateful that I've done all this, but seriously, I've had so many emotions running rampant in my head that I haven't been able to sort any of them out. Now that the culmination of the seminar is at hand, my emotions are sorting themselves out and I'm dealing with them. I know I should call someone and talk about it, but I really HATE my phone. I don't want to have to explain what's going through my head to someone. I don't want people to care, but I'm glad they do care. I am very grateful for all my friends who are there when I do pick up the phone or head to Vera's for coffee. I'm grateful that they care about me and are there for me in whatever way I need them. I'm starting to see that they need me just as much as I need them. It's a good thing.
Yeppers, emotional overload came to a halt today and single emotions are being dealt with. Alcohol came to mind today as a way to deal with the emotions, but then I realized that alcohol is a huge part of why I'm having to deal with all this stuff now. I don't want to put it off any longer. Much easier to deal with things as they come than to let them build.
Through all this though, I'm doing OK. Today it has been 145 days of continuous sobriety. I'm proud of that. One hundred and Forty five single days put together. I might end up drunk tomorrow, but I can worry about that tomorrow. Today though, I'm doing OK and that's all that counts. One day, one hour at a time, pretty easy to take care of things that way.
On my mind: I'm scared of how well I'm getting to know people around me, gives them more ammunition to use against me but some of them feel the same way about me. Kinda odd how it works. I'm incredibly unique, just like everyone else.
I'm also thinking of My Story, I want to tell My Story at a meeting soon, but am really scared aobut it. Just something to work on.
I need to contact my school too, to see if I'm still in the interpreting program since I had to drop my classes last year before school started because I drank up all the money for school and bills at the time. I paid my bills though and have some left over, so that's a very good thing. I'll worry about my job and stuff when the time comes for that.
So, it's been a while since I've been able to post anything. Not that I haven't had time or wanted to, but I've been so drained that I just couldn't sit and write anything. As I said in my last post, I've been attending this seminar where you get to know yourself better. Making lists of resentments, fears, sexual misconduct, and things I'm ashamed of that don't fit on one of those three lists. Writing down everything I can think of in each category, then explaining in writing why those things made it on my list, then looking at what part of myself was affected by those things and finally writing down the part I played in each situation. It's been INTENSE. After making all these lists and doing some pretty in-depth self examination I had to take those lists and share them with someone else. That's what I've been doing for the past six weeks. This week is the final night of that seminar. I'm glad I attended, but I'm really glad that it's done for now.
What I learned about myself:
I am afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of people, of things I can't controll, of things I don't know anything about... When I feel fear I react poorly. My fear of people makes me stand apart from them and not let them get close or, if they are do get close to me, my fear makes me pull back from them because eventually they're going to leave or I'm going to leave or something else will happen where I end up getting hurt by them. Well, that's what my head tells me. My heart on the other hand really wants to let people into my life. My heart tells me I need to accept people caring for me and to care for them. It's a risk, but it's worth it. Right now my head is winning the battle over my heart.
I'm a lot more self centered than I thought. When I was going over my list of resentments, it became very apparent that my self-centerdness actually caused a lot of my resentments. I didn't get my way, or I didn't get what I wanted either emotionally or in material ways so I got angry and I was holding a grudge. I had a lot of resentments toward my ex-boyfriends. I filled up an entire page with resentments toward my last one and basically I have those resentments and I feel hurt because things didn't go the way I wanted them to. We all know that MY WAY IS THE BEST WAY in any and ALL situations. If you don't know that, just ask me and I'll tell you, "My way IS the best way." Right? WRONG My way works for me, but since I don't have controll over how other people feel, my way is usually not the best way for them. I know that, but it still sucks. Living life on Life's terms is hard.
My way to react to my resentements and fears is to lie to get out of the situations. Either to make up a story or just not tell the whole truth about something. If I do that then nobody knows what's really going on in my life and nobody needs to worry and I can pretend the situation didn't happen. I lie to myself as well as to other people. LYING DOES NOT WORK IN THE LONG RUN. Eventually my lies get so big because I have to keep telling more lies to cover up the previous lies that I get caught in the lie which usually causes a resentment or two or twenty from someone else. I've been making a serious effort over the last (almost) five months to not lie. It's getting easier, but now my lies are more just not telling anyone what's actually going on in my life than making up a story. I lie to get out of situations, I lie to impress people, I lie to make life seem more perfect than it is. YES, not telling the whole truth is the SAME as telling a blatant lie. It sucks, but it is what it is.
So yeah, that's what I've been learning lately. I've been on an emotional overload and not feeling much of any of it. Today, however, being the gray day that it was, my emotions decided to wake up again. I am really grateful that I've done all this, but seriously, I've had so many emotions running rampant in my head that I haven't been able to sort any of them out. Now that the culmination of the seminar is at hand, my emotions are sorting themselves out and I'm dealing with them. I know I should call someone and talk about it, but I really HATE my phone. I don't want to have to explain what's going through my head to someone. I don't want people to care, but I'm glad they do care. I am very grateful for all my friends who are there when I do pick up the phone or head to Vera's for coffee. I'm grateful that they care about me and are there for me in whatever way I need them. I'm starting to see that they need me just as much as I need them. It's a good thing.
Yeppers, emotional overload came to a halt today and single emotions are being dealt with. Alcohol came to mind today as a way to deal with the emotions, but then I realized that alcohol is a huge part of why I'm having to deal with all this stuff now. I don't want to put it off any longer. Much easier to deal with things as they come than to let them build.
Through all this though, I'm doing OK. Today it has been 145 days of continuous sobriety. I'm proud of that. One hundred and Forty five single days put together. I might end up drunk tomorrow, but I can worry about that tomorrow. Today though, I'm doing OK and that's all that counts. One day, one hour at a time, pretty easy to take care of things that way.
On my mind: I'm scared of how well I'm getting to know people around me, gives them more ammunition to use against me but some of them feel the same way about me. Kinda odd how it works. I'm incredibly unique, just like everyone else.
I'm also thinking of My Story, I want to tell My Story at a meeting soon, but am really scared aobut it. Just something to work on.
I need to contact my school too, to see if I'm still in the interpreting program since I had to drop my classes last year before school started because I drank up all the money for school and bills at the time. I paid my bills though and have some left over, so that's a very good thing. I'll worry about my job and stuff when the time comes for that.
posted by JD_612 at 10:55 PM
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