Untitled...

"In three words I can sum up everything
I've learned about Life:

It Goes On."
~Robert Frost~

Hmm... Well, I'd like to say it's been a while since I've posted anything here, but since it's been almost six months, it's been more than a while. I've been journaling in the interim and really haven't had much I've wanted to post for the world to see.

Let's see, since I posted in January, I was fired from my job at the bank shortly after getting hired to a new position there (nothing major, just made a mistake and they wanted to set an example it seems) I've been working a Temp job in a call center and am ready to move on from there. Lots of changes going on in life.

I dunno. Life is about change and I've been learning to accept the changes happening around me while maintaining my sense of self/serenity. Hasn't been so easy, but it's definitely been worth it. Now it seems I'm coming to the point where it's just time to take the next step. I have a good sense of myself now, so it's time to start stepping outside myself again, to take some risks so I don't get stuck. That seems to be the focus of my journaling over the past few months, realizing that I'm OK with whatever is happening around me, that I'm able to accept that I don't have control of things and realizing that I always have a choice in how I react to the world.

So, now it's time to make a change or two. It still amazes me that certain things just don't happen until I'm at a point where I am able to handle them. For instance, with the job... I have been working this Temp job in a call center for a few months now (since March 5) and have gone through all the phases of loving the income, liking the job, grumbling about the work, missing friends and downtown life and have come to realize that this Temp job is just that. It's temporary. I have a choice to stay and eventually be hired on, but really, it's not what I want to do with my life. So, what happens now? Well, just as I realized it's time to make a change and was starting to let my fear of change be a hindrance to moving on I got a call from my parents presenting me with an opportunity to go to Memphis for a week. In order to go to Memphis and be with my Granddaddy and mom, I'll be quitting my Temp job and will begin looking for another when I return. It seems kinda crazy to me to do it this way, but I can't really be actively looking for something else while I'm working this position. Oddly, it just feels like the right thing to do.

Another thing is relationships... I've been taking time to get to know myself before starting a new relationship, not always so much fun, but it's been a great experience. I know my boundaries and have been able to put them into place firmly. I've been opening up to friends a little at a time and I've been trying to keep my 'walls' down even when I get burned by someone I've come to know. Now... Just today I was walking home after church and ran into someone I've known off and on for the past few years. One of those things where we just keep bumping into each other every once in a while. I know quite a few bits and pieces about him, both about his good side and not-so-good side and I think he's a pretty good guy. Honestly, I'm afraid of starting a relationship again because I'm afraid of getting hurt and/or loosing myself again. Fortunately, he kinda know that already and knows a bit of what I've been going through and processing. I already have a sense of respect and trust for him, now it seems time to see if there might be anything more there. The side-note that I've always thought he's pretty hot doesn't hurt anything either. =c) We'll just see what happens.

Summary: I've been learning to take care of myself again over the past 19 months and have realized I'm letting fears block me from progressing in life. It's time to change. And that's a GOOD thing. he he. =c)

Later.
JD

Latter Days and life...

I just finished watching the movie "Latter Days" for the um-teenth time and I have to say that this is quickly becoming one of my favorite movies of all time. I know it's a little out of date, being it was produced in 2004, but other than a few current-at-the-time references to Miss Cleo ("Call Me Now!") and various pop icons I think this movie has the ability to transcend the time lines and I strongly recommend it to anyone looking for a sappy, coming-out, love-conquers-(almost)-all type movie.

I laugh, I cry and my heart aches for the characters here. Why? I guess mostly it's because I can relate. Now, don't get me wrong, the hot guys really don't hurt the story, but I can relate to the main characters on so many levels that I'm drawn into the story deeper than most queer-flicks I see.

I'm NOT a Mormon, but I was raised in a very devout/strict Baptist household. My dad taught the adult Sunday-school classes and my mom was the church treasurer, both leaders in the church. Coming out to them was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Up to the time I did come out to everyone, including myself, my whole life was geared towards going into the ministries. I majored in French Language and minored in Art while in college to have useful tools when I would graduate from my undergrad studies and go to a seminary or something of the sort. The "...of the sort" part was that I decided to apply for staff with a Campus Ministry my senior year of college. I had gone on a few missions trips with the organization while in college to Daytona and Panama City for spring breaks and even took a 10 week stint in Daytona on a summer missions trip. I was a student leader on our campus, leading several Bible studies and setting up appointments with people on campus to tell them about "God" and his love for them. I was applauded for "bringing people to Christ" many times over the years.

Well, after the three month intense interview process, I was told that I had had too many homosexual experiences (from when I was eight years old and didn't have any choice against an adult) and that they didn't thing God was able to use me in their ministry.

I was at a loss as to what to do. My whole life had been leading up to this and here were people telling me God couldn't use me because I might be gay.

There's a long story coming that I'm going to skip over for the moment, someday I may elaborate, but not today.

Skip ahead a few months. I came out to my family and friends. I was kicked out of the house I was living in, my parents had some choice words for me before they began crying about not being able to see me in heaven when we died. Then came the silence. It took a couple years to actually converse with my family. During that time I began exploring my gay side and really came to like myself for a while.

Now, I've experienced gay life for several years and am waiting for something more than just sex from guys I meet. Sex is good and sex is fun, but lately I've been holding off on having any because I'm getting to know myself and honestly, I'm happier putting my energies into relationships that aren't based on sex.

I dunno. Some people think I'm weird that way, but I'm just doing what I think is good for me. I'm not judging or holding resentments against people who don't do it this way, I'm doing this for me.

One part of the movie that keeps going through my head is where Aaron is explaining his "Sunday Comics" view of life to Lila who had just lost a loved one.... (Paraphrased) "Do you ever read the Sunday Comics? When I was a kid I would put my nose to the page and look at them. It's all just a bunch of dots that don't seem to connect at all until you pull away from the page. Life is like that. We're all a bunch of dots. From our perspective we can't make any sense of this, but from God's perspective it all makes sense."

I know I grossly misquoted that and I do apologize. You'll have to read the book or watch the movie (I have both if anyone would like to borrow them) to get the real lines, but that's the gist of it. I like the way that was put, that we're all just a bunch of dots and we can't make sense of our lives because we can't see how we're interconnected with the other dots.

I really liked the way god/fate/Higher Power was brought into the story several times as being the director of the play. Random numbers scribbled down which actually make sense, chance meetings with people, a business card bringing it all together... Whatever you'd like to call the director of life, He/she/it has always been putting stuff like that in my path. Things that just don't make sense adding up to be some completely unexpected surprise or joy in my life. (I know I'm kinda on a soap-box here, so I won't give examples now, just read previous posts to find a few.)

Life is interesting. Odd, confusing, wonderful, painful, funny, heart-breaking... Interesting.

I'm grateful to be alive today.
I'm grateful to be sober and aware of myself.
I'm grateful that I had a chance to start over so many times.
I'm grateful that I had the courage to take the chances given to me.
I'm grateful to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
I'm grateful for the beautiful sunshine we had on this frigid January day.
I'm grateful that I have food in my fridge.
I'm grateful for the warm apartment I'm in.
I'm grateful that I could pay my bills today.
I'm grateful for the interesting life I've had thus far.

Good Night all.
Hugz.
JD

Good/Bad.... Who cares! It's life!

Hey all! I'm hesitant to start with the usual, "Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted" (because really it has, but...) because I was reading earlier this week about the decline of blogging. I don't know the stats off hand, but they were talking about how many Blogs and MySpace pages/profiles were created in the past few years and how few have actually been maintained with any regularity. It was pretty shocking to know that this was a Fad that caught on a while back and now is mostly a waste of good memory on a server in many instances.
Anywho, I really have been meaning to update, but honestly haven't wanted to tell "The World" about a lot of the things going on for me lately. Let's just say that life has been pretty interesting.

So, To update quickly, I have a new job that I'll be starting on Monday! I'm excited and a little nervous, but it's definitely a step up in the corporate world which will hopefully allow me to make at least some good lateral moves down the line until I decide what I want to be when I grow up. =c)

Yep, I'll be a Data Security Administrator for a company in Minneapolis. I don't have a heck of a lot of I.T. experience, but I guess I impressed them enough to be hired. It's amazing. They must be nuts to hire an old queen like me. (kidding.) It's actually a pretty good ego boost and proof that the promises I've been hearing so much about for the past 15 months do actually start to happen. Little stuff adds up very quickly.

Drama in my life... This past week I was in HELL. Really. Well, no, not really but it sure felt like it. On Sunday I was eating Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and crunched down on a chocolate chip. My tooth started aching and I thought I had cracked it.

Monday I made a dentist appointment because it really started to hurt, well it turns out the tooth itself is mostly fine but I was in desperate need of a Root Canal. I called the Root Canal specialists and they made me an appointment to get in next Wednesday (A week and a half to wait). Well, The aching in my tooth escalated to a dull throb by Monday night. I tried to sleep and couldn't even with the prescription they gave me. I went to work on Tuesday, the pain subsided temporarily then came back with a vengeance in the evening.

I will say that actually splitting my head open when I was a kid didn't hurt as much as this did. I thought the phrase "Blinded with pain" was just an overstated/over dramatized euphemism. Well, it's not. I literally couldn't see at points during the night because my eyes refused to focus. It made me nuts! I was stomping around my apartment (once again thankful that there is not an apartment under mine), banging my head on the walls, praying to have the pain stop. Flashes of grabbing a set of pliers to yank the tooth out, going to get a drink to numb it, even opening a vein to get rid of the pain went through my head. It was like nothing I've ever experienced. I didn't realize I could be that nuts with a little provocation. Kinda made me realize I'm not so immune to these thoughts as I thought and made me thankful I've learned some tools to get through times like these.

Anywho, I went to work on Wednesday, called the specialist, told them what was going on and they scheduled me for an emergency appointment. THANK GOD! So, now I have a temporary filling with some stuff under it to kill off the nerve that isn't dead, and I feel like I've gone through the pit of hell, climbed mount purgatory and am close to heaven. It feels SO GOOD to not be in pain like that!

Whew.

So, tonight I went to a meeting then went to fellowship afterwards. I really enjoyed sitting with my friends tonight. People I don't get to chat with too much, but whose company I really enjoy. They had me laughing more tonight than I have in the past month! It really was great to be with them. I gotta start doing more stuff with them outside the meetings.

So... time for "THE LIST"

I'm grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful the pain is gone.
I'm grateful I have good dental insurance!
I'm grateful for the support the people at work have given me in my transition.
I'm grateful that I can laugh at stories of sitting on a crapper, blogging and eating all at once.
I'm grateful I'm not the only one with a twisted sense of humor.
I'm grateful that I'm starting to step outside myself more often to experience life.
I'm grateful for the support my friends have given me over the past year.
I'm really grateful that "the promises" really DO happen when we stick with this program.
I'm grateful to be alive to experience all the good and the bad that makes up life.

Note to self: Start telling the people in your life that you love them more often. You really do love them for who they are, so why not tell them. They'd appreciate it just as much as you would. (Try to hold back on the waterworks while doing it, tends to frighten ppl.)

=c)
Hugz.
JD

Little promises coming true...

So, today was a great end to a pretty amazing week. I spent this evening with some very good friends, had a wonderful dinner, watched a good movie... Really nice and relaxing. I needed it. So, My blog is titled Organized Chaos for a reason. I thrive on Chaos! I deal with drama and mayhem much easier than I deal with mundane things in life. This week was perfect for me because of it, lots of chaos dropping all kinds of wonderful presents in my lap.

Let's start with Monday. I woke up late realizing one of my three alarms hadn't gone off. It was my cell phone alarm which is the third alarm in the morning letting me know it's "actually" time to get out of bed and get a move on. You'd think the first two would do that, but NO, not for me. I like to laze in bed a while enjoying the warmth of the blankets for a bit before facing the chill of the morning. Well, my phone had finally died on me. No apparent reason. I do have to say it had lasted a full two years, suffering much abuse and surviving several flights across the apartment the first year. (Drunken nights getting frustrated after drunk-dialing people, you know the drill.)

Anywho, since I depend on my Cell phone I had to go on my lunch to get a new one. I ended up with a MotoRazar which I am really liking. It's got a removable memory that I can plug into my computer to download/upload files without e-mailing them to my phone. It's pretty cool and handy since I don't use the internet on my phones EVER. The rest of the week was pretty chaotic at work, people gone on vacation, jury duty and out sick dumped a lot of work in my lap. It was pretty frustrating. I know I've complained about work here enough that if you've been reading my blog you're probably tired of hearing about it and saying, "Just DO SOMETHING about it and stop your whining!" Well, I did.

I had an interview last week for a job one of my old supervisors had suggested I apply for. I didn't think I was qualified at all, but she thought I should give it a shot. I was pretty shocked when I was called in for an interview last week and doubly shocked when I got a call on Wednesday this past week asking me to come in for a second interview on Thursday. The first interview had gone well, two people interviewing me, I was a little nervous, but could handle it. The second interview there were FOUR people interviewing me all at once. Pretty important people for the job position too. I was FREAKED! I think I rambled on way too much, but... I got a call on Friday offering me the job!

I had to tell my supervisor about it and felt like an [donkey] for having to tell him with all the people gone in our dept. He understood though. He knew I wasn't exactly happy here (I think), and he understood that I had to do what was right for me. I still felt like shit for abandoning my post though. Traitor. That's the word I'm looking for.

Oh! I rearranged my apartment this week as well and I'm LOVING the new layout. Much more Fung Schway (kinda ghetto Feng Shui) making my living space MUCH more appealing. I started by putting my computer in the living room closet (large enough to have a single bed a night stand, it's not a small space) with the computer at one end and my drawing table and art materials at the other. I put my bike in my bedroom behind a Chinese-style folding room divider, switched around the bedroom a bit to make room then hit the living room. Now my living room isn't small by any means for an apartment but putting the sofa at an angle and re-placing the rest of the furniture to accommodate that really opened up a LOT of floor space. I'm loving it. I was just sitting on my couch watching the sparkling snow falling outside my window. Something it was difficult to do earlier.

Yeah, I'm a little more excited about having my apartment rearranged than I am about the new job because the job doesn't seem real yet. I don't know when I'm going to start, the supervisors have to negotiate my transition period still, so it could be a week or it could be a month. I don't know. It's alright though.
It's kinda fun to experience chaos and from it have the little nuggets of fun drop into my lap. Like my sponsor said, It's "The Promises" starting to come true little by little. Pretty darn amazing.

I'm really grateful for my wonderful friends.
I'm grateful that I have a warm apartment in this cold weather.
I'm grateful for the food I was able to buy today.
I'm grateful that I have a steady income to pay bills little by little.
I'm grateful for my family who supports me through all this.
I'm grateful that my Mom and Sis actually want to come down next weekend to visit.
I'm grateful that I can find fun in sober life, better than when I was drinking!
I'm grateful that I'm really starting to appreciate myself for who I am.
I'm grateful that I'm getting to know myself and I like myself more and more.
I'm grateful that I am healthy and able to care for myself now.

I think I'm going to take a walk in the snow now. It's really pretty. Sparkley, clean, white and fluffy. I wonder if I can make a snow angel.

Take care.
JD

happy freakin new year.

so, it's new year's eve. 11:28 pm and i'm home. mildly pissed, trying to forget it and move on. it's one of those things where people would rather draw assumptions and make judgment calls based on what they observe than bother to find out what's really going on. i tend to think that if someone is worried about me they'd talk to me rather than talk to someone else about me so they can decide i'm on my way out if i don't change my attitude/behavior. i would have to agree to an extent that if i hadn't changed my thought process and stopped the spiraling thinking, yeah, i'd probably be a little closer to going out, but i'm not there. i'm doing what i need to to take care of myself and avoiding needing to make amends down the line by hurting anyone around me because of my attitude. i'm talking to people i trust and people i know care about me, being honest with them, taking time to think things through positively, take a minor personal inventory to find out where i am, going to meetings and being honest about/with my feelings... so yeah, it kinda hurts that people who say they care aren't taking the time to talk to me before gossiping about me and making judgment calls on me. i know where they're coming from by saying those things, and i'm accepting that they don't know enough about me to know what i'm like. it still hurts.

Ok. I'm done writing the thought stream spiraling through my head right now. It's freakin New Year's Eve! Tonight is the end of 2006 and the beginning of 2007! Pretty freakin cool! Tonight is also my 14 month anniversary. I was talking with my sponsor yesterday about how 18 months ago I didn't even consider being clean/sober as an option I had. Now, it's been 14 months and things really are picking up. I have all these 'tools' to use to stop the downward spiraling thoughts and I'm using them daily. The more I use them, the easier it is to use them effectively. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy by any means, but it's getting easier because I'm realizing what I need to do for myself. Basically, I've been in a bit of a funk lately which started with a using dream after having a couple of really tiring weeks at work and an exhausting holiday weekend. I was in a bad mood, I was a little jealous of my friends who are going out tonight, not for the drinking, but because I really wanted to spend some time with them and I can't right now because it wouldn't be a good choice for me to be out with them tonight. That's a choice I made. I still have a hard time accepting that I'm actually choosing to do what's good for me rather that what I want to do. I was at a dance earlier tonight and I actually behaved myself. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but what I needed to. It's kinda cool really. I don't have to make any amends tomorrow, I got the chance to talk to some people I usually don't get to talk to, and I had fun dancing for a bit. It was a pretty darn good night. Other than feeling a little hurt, I'm in a pretty good place mentally right now. The hurt? This too shall pass. They mean well, and I know they care about me, otherwise they wouldn't have been talking about me.

I am grateful I'm alive, here, sober and am able to forgive people who hurt me without needing an apology.

Ok. I hear fireworks. Happy New Year Everyone!!

Time to spellcheck this and go to bed.

Thank you to all my friends who do care about me.

Hugz.
JD

Home for the Holidays...

Hola! So, I went Home for the Holidays. Actually, it was the first major holiday I've attended with my family in six years. It was pretty decent. The image above is looking out from my parent's back porch in Northern Wisconsin (Bayfield if anyone knows it). I realized how much of a "City-Boy" I've become since moving to Minneapolis. The silence kept me awake! I couldn't believe it. I'm used to hearing sirens, helicopters, traffic... Noise of people around. I walked outside and the silence was almost overwhelming. I had forgotten how different it is up there. OH! The STARS!!! Wow! I couldn't believe how many stars I could see at night! The moon was very bright, but I could still see all the stars! In the city it's pretty easy to pick out the constellations because there aren't so many stars visible, but back home I could see so many stars that I had a hard time even finding "Orion" or "The Big Dipper." It's wierd.
I went to church with my family (Twice in one day) and I'm mildly surprised I didn't burst into flames when I walked in. I didn't, but it sure got 'hot' a couple times in there. Anywho, it was nice to see people I grew up with. I saw a couple people I haven't seen since I left for college in 1994, so it was nice to catch up a bit on what's going on with them. I really don't know what my family has told them about my life now, so I'm always cautious telling them how things are going with me. Not so sure my parents would be gossiping about how "Wonderful" my boyfriends are in their church meetings, or about how proud they are that their alcoholic son is seeking help and changing his career at the same time. You know what I mean? My parents are pretty strict Baptist (Great Lakes Baptist, closer to Southern Baptist than Bible Baptist I guess) and just don't talk much about things like this.
I love my family, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be who I am without them and I'm very grateful for them. They've put up with a lot from me over the past few years. My dark-humor is really coming out tonight though, so I apologize if I gave a bad impression of them. It's a pretty tenuous relationship I have with them. It's a struggle between Tolerance and Acceptance for all of us.
My job's been interesting lately. We had two people quit or voluntarily accept a dismissal, two people have been on vacation, and my supervisor's wife just had a baby, so he's not been around much this week. Out of a team of 10 people, that's a HUGE loss when we're trying to complete our daily tasks. It's actually been kinda fun though. I like to push myself just to see how much I can get done in a day. Fifteen Months ago I would probably have walked out if it came to this, but today I am proud of how much I was able to get done.
Oh! I applied for another job tonight... Keep your fingers crossed for me, I haven't been getting much response from previous postings.
Oh. I had a really disturbing 'using dream' last night.... Kinda threw me for a loop since I haven't had one in a while and never one this realistic. In the dream I was drunk off my a**, trying to 'cruise' a cutie in a bathroom at a bar. What made this one so realistic was that I could feel the cold tile as I put my forehead against the wall to prop myself up (a usual stance for me), the room was spinning and nobody would talk to me once they figured out how drunk I was. Really brought back some memories. Ah, wasn't life glamorous back then? WE THINK NOT.

Ok. I'll sign off with that for now. Hope everyone had a great holiday, and will have a nice New Year's Eve on Sunday.

Gratefully,
JD

Going from Bah-Humbug to Christmas Cheer...sorta.

Hi. So, here's what's going on. Ever since the weekend before thanksgiving I've been in a Bah-Humbug mood about the whole holiday situation this year. I haven't gone shopping, haven't been listening to Christmas music, I've been REAL critical about the Christmas decorations and displays in the stores downtown (Although, I must say that the Ralph Lauren displays are pretty nice this year) and basically had a F*** the Freakin' Holidays type attitude.

Lots of factors going into that attitude including Family, Job situation and Money. One of the things that's really putting me in this mood is that I've actually got a bunch of emotions that have been waking up in me that I don't really remember how to deal with. I shared about how I was homesick over thanksgiving even though I really didn't want to go home, well, there's a whole slew of other things... Unconditional love, regret, hope, joy, compassion... All these are surfacing to a degree I haven't felt in YEARS. It's kinda nice, but wierd. I just don't know how to handle them so well anymore.

Anywho. So, to try and get out of the Christmas-blah's I decided to put up my christmas tree today. It's wonderfully tacky and tasteless. I still have the opalescent white garland from last year on it that looks PINK when just the tree lights are on. I have a "Tigger" hat as the tree-topper that I got a couple years ago from an excursion with my ex to DisneyLand. All in all, I like how it looks. Just the way it's supposed to. Here's a couple small pics I just took, one from inside, one from outside (Sorry about the blurr from the shivers when I took the outside one):



It took quite some time to get the friggin thing up because I wasn't prepared for the little walk-down-memory-lane that came with each ornament I hung. EVERYTHING on the tree has a story to accompany it. Even the tree itself has a story! Basically, the only things I bought for the tree were lights and the garland. All the ornaments, the tree and the decorations around my house were given to me either from friends I am no longer able to contact, or from family. As I hung each ornament I took some time to remember the story that goes with it.

One of my favorites is a frosted-glass wreath with a gold bow that came from my Grandma's house. I remember it from when I was a kid helping her decorate her tree and smelling dinner cooking, my cousins around me, all of us excited for Christmas.

Another ornament is this goofy little guy sitting on a little crate fishing through some plastic Ice with a little blue fish on his line that is WAY too big to fit through the hole he cut in the ice. It's kinda funny looking, but I remember it hanging on my parent's tree. The year we bought that one my dad and I had been making an effort at bonding through Ice fishing. I really hated it, but the one time that sticks in my mind was when the sleigh we pulled behind our snowmobile started bogging down in the ice because the candle-ice was melting. Basically we were going across an expanse of ice that was nothing more than a couple feet of slush. We spent over an hour trying to clean the sleigh tracks, get going, bog down again, clean the tracks, go another fifteen feet, bog down... It was extremely arduous and taxing.

Finally, my dad decided we should try to head back home if we could just get going. I ended up getting behind the sleigh and pushing while he was keeping the snowmobile moving (so it wouldn't' start sinking through the slush as well) It worked and I ended up standing on the runners of the sleigh and holding on for the three miles home, because whenever we would stop so I could get back on the snowmobile we'd have to start the whole cleaning-the-sleigh-runners-to-get-mobile process over. It was scary, but when we were moving I felt like an old-fashioned dog-sled driver, standing on the runners, hanging on to the sleigh full of fishing equipment. It really was a blast once we were in the clear.

So, that's the kind of stuff that went through my mind with each and every ornament, bauble, figurine and knick-knack I unwrapped today. Really, I'm grateful for it. Remembering all the past Christmases has rekindled my passion for the season. Christmas to me is about recognizing the friends and family and remembering all the times we've shared. It's pretty amazing to be able to remember it all, both the good and the not-so-good experiences. I've learned a lot from my friends and family and I wouldn't change any of it. (At least today I wouldn't.)

Gratitude:
I'm grateful I'm past the 13 month mark for staying sober.
I'm grateful for the intense friendships I've developed this past year.
I'm grateful I have a warm house and a warm bed to sleep in.
I'm grateful I had money to pay my bills today.
I'm grateful I had the energy/desire to actually pay my bills today.
I'm grateful for the hugs I was given today when I wasn't feeling so hot.
I'm grateful I am able to be honest with people around me.
I'm grateful that I'm at a point where I do respect myself enough to do what I need to for myself.
I'm grateful my emotions are waking up even though I don't know what to do with them.
I'm grateful for the little walk-down-memory-lane today.

OH! Before I sign off... I always thought it was a myth that a cup of water could explode in a microwave. I understood the physics of the molecules being excited to a point that the liquid superheats and flash-boils. I just didn't think it happened. After cleaning my microwave from a cup of coffee that literally exploded all over the inside, I'm a believer. Yeah. What a mess.

ok. Signing off...
JD =c)