Latter Days and life...

I just finished watching the movie "Latter Days" for the um-teenth time and I have to say that this is quickly becoming one of my favorite movies of all time. I know it's a little out of date, being it was produced in 2004, but other than a few current-at-the-time references to Miss Cleo ("Call Me Now!") and various pop icons I think this movie has the ability to transcend the time lines and I strongly recommend it to anyone looking for a sappy, coming-out, love-conquers-(almost)-all type movie.

I laugh, I cry and my heart aches for the characters here. Why? I guess mostly it's because I can relate. Now, don't get me wrong, the hot guys really don't hurt the story, but I can relate to the main characters on so many levels that I'm drawn into the story deeper than most queer-flicks I see.

I'm NOT a Mormon, but I was raised in a very devout/strict Baptist household. My dad taught the adult Sunday-school classes and my mom was the church treasurer, both leaders in the church. Coming out to them was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Up to the time I did come out to everyone, including myself, my whole life was geared towards going into the ministries. I majored in French Language and minored in Art while in college to have useful tools when I would graduate from my undergrad studies and go to a seminary or something of the sort. The "...of the sort" part was that I decided to apply for staff with a Campus Ministry my senior year of college. I had gone on a few missions trips with the organization while in college to Daytona and Panama City for spring breaks and even took a 10 week stint in Daytona on a summer missions trip. I was a student leader on our campus, leading several Bible studies and setting up appointments with people on campus to tell them about "God" and his love for them. I was applauded for "bringing people to Christ" many times over the years.

Well, after the three month intense interview process, I was told that I had had too many homosexual experiences (from when I was eight years old and didn't have any choice against an adult) and that they didn't thing God was able to use me in their ministry.

I was at a loss as to what to do. My whole life had been leading up to this and here were people telling me God couldn't use me because I might be gay.

There's a long story coming that I'm going to skip over for the moment, someday I may elaborate, but not today.

Skip ahead a few months. I came out to my family and friends. I was kicked out of the house I was living in, my parents had some choice words for me before they began crying about not being able to see me in heaven when we died. Then came the silence. It took a couple years to actually converse with my family. During that time I began exploring my gay side and really came to like myself for a while.

Now, I've experienced gay life for several years and am waiting for something more than just sex from guys I meet. Sex is good and sex is fun, but lately I've been holding off on having any because I'm getting to know myself and honestly, I'm happier putting my energies into relationships that aren't based on sex.

I dunno. Some people think I'm weird that way, but I'm just doing what I think is good for me. I'm not judging or holding resentments against people who don't do it this way, I'm doing this for me.

One part of the movie that keeps going through my head is where Aaron is explaining his "Sunday Comics" view of life to Lila who had just lost a loved one.... (Paraphrased) "Do you ever read the Sunday Comics? When I was a kid I would put my nose to the page and look at them. It's all just a bunch of dots that don't seem to connect at all until you pull away from the page. Life is like that. We're all a bunch of dots. From our perspective we can't make any sense of this, but from God's perspective it all makes sense."

I know I grossly misquoted that and I do apologize. You'll have to read the book or watch the movie (I have both if anyone would like to borrow them) to get the real lines, but that's the gist of it. I like the way that was put, that we're all just a bunch of dots and we can't make sense of our lives because we can't see how we're interconnected with the other dots.

I really liked the way god/fate/Higher Power was brought into the story several times as being the director of the play. Random numbers scribbled down which actually make sense, chance meetings with people, a business card bringing it all together... Whatever you'd like to call the director of life, He/she/it has always been putting stuff like that in my path. Things that just don't make sense adding up to be some completely unexpected surprise or joy in my life. (I know I'm kinda on a soap-box here, so I won't give examples now, just read previous posts to find a few.)

Life is interesting. Odd, confusing, wonderful, painful, funny, heart-breaking... Interesting.

I'm grateful to be alive today.
I'm grateful to be sober and aware of myself.
I'm grateful that I had a chance to start over so many times.
I'm grateful that I had the courage to take the chances given to me.
I'm grateful to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
I'm grateful for the beautiful sunshine we had on this frigid January day.
I'm grateful that I have food in my fridge.
I'm grateful for the warm apartment I'm in.
I'm grateful that I could pay my bills today.
I'm grateful for the interesting life I've had thus far.

Good Night all.
Hugz.
JD

Good/Bad.... Who cares! It's life!

Hey all! I'm hesitant to start with the usual, "Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted" (because really it has, but...) because I was reading earlier this week about the decline of blogging. I don't know the stats off hand, but they were talking about how many Blogs and MySpace pages/profiles were created in the past few years and how few have actually been maintained with any regularity. It was pretty shocking to know that this was a Fad that caught on a while back and now is mostly a waste of good memory on a server in many instances.
Anywho, I really have been meaning to update, but honestly haven't wanted to tell "The World" about a lot of the things going on for me lately. Let's just say that life has been pretty interesting.

So, To update quickly, I have a new job that I'll be starting on Monday! I'm excited and a little nervous, but it's definitely a step up in the corporate world which will hopefully allow me to make at least some good lateral moves down the line until I decide what I want to be when I grow up. =c)

Yep, I'll be a Data Security Administrator for a company in Minneapolis. I don't have a heck of a lot of I.T. experience, but I guess I impressed them enough to be hired. It's amazing. They must be nuts to hire an old queen like me. (kidding.) It's actually a pretty good ego boost and proof that the promises I've been hearing so much about for the past 15 months do actually start to happen. Little stuff adds up very quickly.

Drama in my life... This past week I was in HELL. Really. Well, no, not really but it sure felt like it. On Sunday I was eating Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and crunched down on a chocolate chip. My tooth started aching and I thought I had cracked it.

Monday I made a dentist appointment because it really started to hurt, well it turns out the tooth itself is mostly fine but I was in desperate need of a Root Canal. I called the Root Canal specialists and they made me an appointment to get in next Wednesday (A week and a half to wait). Well, The aching in my tooth escalated to a dull throb by Monday night. I tried to sleep and couldn't even with the prescription they gave me. I went to work on Tuesday, the pain subsided temporarily then came back with a vengeance in the evening.

I will say that actually splitting my head open when I was a kid didn't hurt as much as this did. I thought the phrase "Blinded with pain" was just an overstated/over dramatized euphemism. Well, it's not. I literally couldn't see at points during the night because my eyes refused to focus. It made me nuts! I was stomping around my apartment (once again thankful that there is not an apartment under mine), banging my head on the walls, praying to have the pain stop. Flashes of grabbing a set of pliers to yank the tooth out, going to get a drink to numb it, even opening a vein to get rid of the pain went through my head. It was like nothing I've ever experienced. I didn't realize I could be that nuts with a little provocation. Kinda made me realize I'm not so immune to these thoughts as I thought and made me thankful I've learned some tools to get through times like these.

Anywho, I went to work on Wednesday, called the specialist, told them what was going on and they scheduled me for an emergency appointment. THANK GOD! So, now I have a temporary filling with some stuff under it to kill off the nerve that isn't dead, and I feel like I've gone through the pit of hell, climbed mount purgatory and am close to heaven. It feels SO GOOD to not be in pain like that!

Whew.

So, tonight I went to a meeting then went to fellowship afterwards. I really enjoyed sitting with my friends tonight. People I don't get to chat with too much, but whose company I really enjoy. They had me laughing more tonight than I have in the past month! It really was great to be with them. I gotta start doing more stuff with them outside the meetings.

So... time for "THE LIST"

I'm grateful for my friends.
I'm grateful the pain is gone.
I'm grateful I have good dental insurance!
I'm grateful for the support the people at work have given me in my transition.
I'm grateful that I can laugh at stories of sitting on a crapper, blogging and eating all at once.
I'm grateful I'm not the only one with a twisted sense of humor.
I'm grateful that I'm starting to step outside myself more often to experience life.
I'm grateful for the support my friends have given me over the past year.
I'm really grateful that "the promises" really DO happen when we stick with this program.
I'm grateful to be alive to experience all the good and the bad that makes up life.

Note to self: Start telling the people in your life that you love them more often. You really do love them for who they are, so why not tell them. They'd appreciate it just as much as you would. (Try to hold back on the waterworks while doing it, tends to frighten ppl.)

=c)
Hugz.
JD

Little promises coming true...

So, today was a great end to a pretty amazing week. I spent this evening with some very good friends, had a wonderful dinner, watched a good movie... Really nice and relaxing. I needed it. So, My blog is titled Organized Chaos for a reason. I thrive on Chaos! I deal with drama and mayhem much easier than I deal with mundane things in life. This week was perfect for me because of it, lots of chaos dropping all kinds of wonderful presents in my lap.

Let's start with Monday. I woke up late realizing one of my three alarms hadn't gone off. It was my cell phone alarm which is the third alarm in the morning letting me know it's "actually" time to get out of bed and get a move on. You'd think the first two would do that, but NO, not for me. I like to laze in bed a while enjoying the warmth of the blankets for a bit before facing the chill of the morning. Well, my phone had finally died on me. No apparent reason. I do have to say it had lasted a full two years, suffering much abuse and surviving several flights across the apartment the first year. (Drunken nights getting frustrated after drunk-dialing people, you know the drill.)

Anywho, since I depend on my Cell phone I had to go on my lunch to get a new one. I ended up with a MotoRazar which I am really liking. It's got a removable memory that I can plug into my computer to download/upload files without e-mailing them to my phone. It's pretty cool and handy since I don't use the internet on my phones EVER. The rest of the week was pretty chaotic at work, people gone on vacation, jury duty and out sick dumped a lot of work in my lap. It was pretty frustrating. I know I've complained about work here enough that if you've been reading my blog you're probably tired of hearing about it and saying, "Just DO SOMETHING about it and stop your whining!" Well, I did.

I had an interview last week for a job one of my old supervisors had suggested I apply for. I didn't think I was qualified at all, but she thought I should give it a shot. I was pretty shocked when I was called in for an interview last week and doubly shocked when I got a call on Wednesday this past week asking me to come in for a second interview on Thursday. The first interview had gone well, two people interviewing me, I was a little nervous, but could handle it. The second interview there were FOUR people interviewing me all at once. Pretty important people for the job position too. I was FREAKED! I think I rambled on way too much, but... I got a call on Friday offering me the job!

I had to tell my supervisor about it and felt like an [donkey] for having to tell him with all the people gone in our dept. He understood though. He knew I wasn't exactly happy here (I think), and he understood that I had to do what was right for me. I still felt like shit for abandoning my post though. Traitor. That's the word I'm looking for.

Oh! I rearranged my apartment this week as well and I'm LOVING the new layout. Much more Fung Schway (kinda ghetto Feng Shui) making my living space MUCH more appealing. I started by putting my computer in the living room closet (large enough to have a single bed a night stand, it's not a small space) with the computer at one end and my drawing table and art materials at the other. I put my bike in my bedroom behind a Chinese-style folding room divider, switched around the bedroom a bit to make room then hit the living room. Now my living room isn't small by any means for an apartment but putting the sofa at an angle and re-placing the rest of the furniture to accommodate that really opened up a LOT of floor space. I'm loving it. I was just sitting on my couch watching the sparkling snow falling outside my window. Something it was difficult to do earlier.

Yeah, I'm a little more excited about having my apartment rearranged than I am about the new job because the job doesn't seem real yet. I don't know when I'm going to start, the supervisors have to negotiate my transition period still, so it could be a week or it could be a month. I don't know. It's alright though.
It's kinda fun to experience chaos and from it have the little nuggets of fun drop into my lap. Like my sponsor said, It's "The Promises" starting to come true little by little. Pretty darn amazing.

I'm really grateful for my wonderful friends.
I'm grateful that I have a warm apartment in this cold weather.
I'm grateful for the food I was able to buy today.
I'm grateful that I have a steady income to pay bills little by little.
I'm grateful for my family who supports me through all this.
I'm grateful that my Mom and Sis actually want to come down next weekend to visit.
I'm grateful that I can find fun in sober life, better than when I was drinking!
I'm grateful that I'm really starting to appreciate myself for who I am.
I'm grateful that I'm getting to know myself and I like myself more and more.
I'm grateful that I am healthy and able to care for myself now.

I think I'm going to take a walk in the snow now. It's really pretty. Sparkley, clean, white and fluffy. I wonder if I can make a snow angel.

Take care.
JD