Not quite so habit forming I guess...

So, It's been over a month since I've put out any comments. Can't really say precisely why I've been absent other than to say I just haven't felt like putting much down here. Now tonight for some reason I want to spell it out. Go figure.

Overall: Things have been pretty good looking at the big picture. I've got my major bills paid off which is a HUGE thing for me. Work has improved, getting caught up again so I won't have any legal ramifications due to compliance issues (which was a threat a couple weeks ago), I don't have to work weekends now, I actually can afford to take a lunch break... Yep, work's getting better. My dad came to visit this past weekend and honestly, it was one of the best visits I've had with him in a LONG time. We went to a "Sport-craft/experimental" airplane convention, I took him to a couple different restaurants (I actually paid for him!) We Hit up the Harley shop to ogle and dream a bit. It was alright. I've been doing a fair bit of service work for my program, finished up helping out with a "4th step workshop" and am now chair of the GLBT in recovery Halloween dance fundraiser which is going pretty well. Yep. Overall things are looking pretty good.

Lately: I just haven't been feeling it. It's like, I know all this good stuff is happening for me and around me, but I don't feel like I think I should. I think I should be elated that things are going so well and I just don't. I know that feelings aren't a good way to judge reality because "Sometimes you just have to have faith and accept that things are the way they are and that good things are happening even when you don't feel them." Yeah right.

Scrutinizing: I'm getting to know myself better and I know some of the reasons I don't feel like I think I should. One is that I really haven't been taking care of myself lately. I haven't been getting enough exercise or sleep, I've been working a lot at my job and for my program and not taking much time for ME. Last night was the first night in about two months where I didn't have some time commitment to anyone. It actually kinda freaked me out. I was trying all day to figure out what I should be doing because there was so much I needed to do and without commitments I had no way to prioritize anything. It was weird. I've been FINE a lot lately (F***ed up, Insecure, Neurotic and emotional) and I've been asking myself "Is this ALL there is for me now?" Also, I think helping with the Halloween dance is giving me a little bit of P.M.S. (Pre Medallion Syndrome) because Halloween is my one year mark in Sobriety. I've been thinking a lot lately about where I was a year ago.

Last year at this time: I had just moved into my new apartment and was getting used to living on my own again, I had been making Halloween plans with three friends to be going out as "The Golden Girls" until my friend Dan died. I was at the bar every night of the week, saving change to get drinks, using my credit cards to get everything else, trying to make ends meet, spending the money I had set aside for tuition and bills on going out... At the time I thought I was having fun. I gotta keep that in mind now so I don't embellish what it was like and think it was all good. I was pretty miserable and lonely.

Now: I'm in a rut I'm trying to get out of. I have been feeling jealous of my co-workers who talk about the fun they had at the bars over the weekend, all the antics and frolics that go along with it. I've really been wanting to join them. I haven't been making time to talk to anyone about any of this. When I have had opportunities to see people I've been putting up my defenses and smiling WAY too much. My cheeks hurt at the end of these evenings from smiling so that nobody knows that inside I'm screaming. Why I can't talk about these things when I'm face to face with someone I don't know. I can put it here because I'm not committing to telling anyone anything. This is cyberspace where people don't know me from Adam/Eve/Steve, so it's easier for me to get my thoughts out. Right now there are two people I could talk to about what's going on (and this stuff here isn't much, If I were to start blogging everything out it would take a heck of a long time). One is my sponsor who gets bits an pieces and the other is dealing with his own stuff at the moment so I don't want to bug him. The phone has just been heavy lately too, taking a lot of effort to make the calls I have. I gotta get out of this rut.

Gratitude list:
I'm grateful that overall things are improving.
I'm very grateful for the people in my meetings sharing their wisdom with me.
I'm grateful that I have an apartment that's comfortable to be in.
I'm grateful that I can do service-work to give back some of what's been given to me.
I'm grateful that I had money to buy a camera I've wanted for a while.
I'm grateful that my bills are paid.
I'm grateful that I have food in my cupboards.
I'm grateful that I can go see people to get out of myself for a bit.
I'm grateful that Autumn is on it's way (I love the cooler weather and colors.)
I'm grateful I have a job to go to in the morning.
I'm grateful for the support people have been giving me.
I'm grateful that I'm getting to know myself.
I'm grateful that I can make choices with my life.
I'm grateful that I am able to rebuild ties with my family
I'm grateful that I can start rebuilding friendships.
I'm grateful that I'm alive.

I've rambled way too much. My thoughts are very sporadic tonight.
All in all things are going good, I just need to start seeing it that way.

With that, I'll pass.
JD