Tuesday night after Gay Pride....

Hey all! How's it goin'? I'm doing pretty darn well here tonight. I just got back from one of my Tuesday night gatherings. Good conversation, good people, what more could you ask for? I have been trying since Saturday to think of something to Blog about but each entry I've attempted had to be deleted for fear of me coming across as some raving lunatic just escaped from the psyche ward.

Oooohh. What's been going on? Well, This weekend was the annual Gay Pride festival in Minneapolis/St Paul. I went to a block party on Friday night where this grrrreat singer performed her heart out to a crowd slowly getting soaked. It was so cool, at a couple points the sound system went out due to moisture in the wiring (I assume) and she didn't let it get to her, she just kept singing and the people in the crowd who knew the lyrics just jumped in and started belting out the tune to the best of their abilities. It was fun. They had an ASL interpreter there who I had met a couple years ago. I really enjoyed just watching him sign. He put SO much feeling and expression into it he was really entertaining a lot of people. He's pretty easy-on-the-eyes too, so nobody really minded watching him anyhow. It was funny though, I was standing behind these two girls who were watching him and trying to copy some of what he was signing... Well, at one point I had to help them because the song was talking about "Sexy lady, You're a Sexy [mudda-fuka]" and these girls caught the last sign and thought they were telling each other they were sexy and not actually calling each other [mudda-fukas]. They got a good chuckle out of it anyhow.

Saturday I slept in a bit (till 9:00 which is getting to be pretty late for me) and went down to Lorring Park where the Pride Festival was. I ran into a couple friends and hung out with them for a while then walked around for a bit (of course stopping to watch a couple interpreters at the stages set around the park). I would like to say I had a great day, but something kinda unexpected happened. If you know me, you might understand this a little better with all the changes I've been effecting in my life lately, but it was almost like who I WAS collided with who I AM and it kinda shook me up a bit. I ran into a couple of my old friends at the park and stopped to chat a bit. In a way it was good to catch up with them and see that they're doing well, but at the same time it brought out a couple characteristics in me that I don't like. It was so easy to slip back into my old role with them, gossiping, being vicious and judgmental about the people around us, being caddy... The whole "gay-bitch" routine that I really DO NOT LIKE. Around those people, that was what I was, so I reached into my wardrobe and pulled out the old 'mask' for a bit. I left them knowing they were exactly where they were 8 months ago and with them knowing very little about my life for the past 8 months. It just bothered me.

Then I ran into one of my friends/old-roommates who introduced me to her girlfriend by linking me to someone from my past they both knew. I don't know why, but that REALLY bothered me. I know she didn't mean anything by it and she was just giving her girl a place to put me in, but it just kinda creaped me out. I'm not much like I was when I was connected there. Anywho, She's one I really want to sit and chat with so I can actually fill her in on what's been going on. I'm having a difficult time naming the emotion that was stirred by the encounter. I really miss her for one thing, I know very little about what's going on in her life, She asked how things were going with the whole turnabout in life, realizing how much I cherished her friendship and really wanting to fill her in... I don't know. All I know is I was really fighting to keep the water-works from gushing as I said good-bye and scurried away.

One other thing really briefly, One of the guys I was hanging out with kept making comments along the lines of "We all wish we were as cute and young as you are JD." That really bothered me. A) I'm not so young anymore and B) have never considered myself cute. I did get a couple looks/stares/glares/winks/etc. and it made me really uncomfortable. Anywho...

I had plans to meet with people on Saturday night, but with all the emotions that were stirred up during the day made me decide it would be safer to just chill at home. I went to a meeting with some friends then went home for dinner and a couple movies. Really relaxing.

Sunday I got up and went to watch the Parade with some friends... THREE HOURS later we followed the end of the parade back to the park in a round-about way. I was trying to be butch/tough and declined the offer of sunscreen which now I am thinking was stoopid of me. It's funny, I was wearing a tank-top and thought I had some sort of a tan already, well, when I got home and took off my shirt it seriously looked like I had on a WHITE tank-top still. Now that the excess tan (burn) is fading, it doesn't look so drastic, but I just had to laugh at myself as I was applying the after-sun skin care lotion.

So, that was my weekend in a nutshell! I know I didn't have to go into all that, but I wanted to because I think it's amazing, this is the first Gay Pride weekend where I can actually remember everything I did! Now, I'm really glad it's over.

So, Today is day 239. I'm here. I am doing pretty darn well. I'm handling the extra stress at work very well, all things considered. I'm feeling good about things and really enjoying my life. I'm working hard to fix the things I messed up and am making some great friends along the way.

I'm grateful I'm alive.
I'm grateful I'm sober.
I'm grateful to have the amazing friends I have.
I'm grateful for second chances.
I'm grateful that I can express my thoughts.
I'm grateful for all the help and support people have been giving me.
I'm grateful for the chances I have to give the same help and support to others.
I am Grateful for Sneaker-doodle Icecream, vanilla cake, peanut M&M's with caramel.

Thanks so much to everyone who has helped me get this far.
JD.

Ramblings...

Hey All, I haven't posted in a while, I know. I'm not making excuses this time either. I've just had a lot on my mind that I really didn't want to share with the world. I talked with a couple people and things are starting to get back on track.

Now. The Ramblings....

SO, I've been switching up the meetings I attend. I have a couple that I'm keeping as my MAIN meetings, but on the other nights I'm trying out some different meetings. This past week I went to the same meeting I went to on my second day of this whole sober gambit and continued to go to for a couple more weeks. It was interesting to see how many people weren't there and to see all the new people. It was actually kinda cool. This was the meeting where I was in a "first step" group about 3 weeks into sobriety and I really didn't want to be there. I sat there listening to all these 13 and 14 year old kidz talk about their program and when It came to be my turn to talk I said, "This Sobriety shit sucks. My friends are all out drinking and having a good time and I'm sitting here listening to a bunch of Kids tell how bad their life is." I was amazed and quite pissed when a couple of the old-timers just sat and grinned at me. I get it now.

Hmmm... OH! Yesterday was the annual GLBT In Recovery "Spring Into Summer" event. It went pretty well, all things considered. There was Excelent food, fun games, good speaker and lots of good conversation. I was kinda behind-the-scenes for most of it. Not becase I couldn't have enjoyed the evening after my part was done, but more because I was scared by the plethora of "Mo's and Bo's" as my elloquent sponsor puts it. I had fun though. I hung out in the kitchen a lot and got to talk with some people I don't usually get to talk with. It was cool hanging out with Zeke and Al and (As others call him:) "Hot" Todd (I think by the end of the day he might have actually caught my name. This after being in the same Monday Meeting with him for the past couple months, the meeting I'm the "chair" of this month even.) LOL.

Anywho, I had a whole list of other things I actually had ready to post, including a Gratitude list, but I tried to insert a picture and somehow lost everything past this point. LOL It keeps it short and simple.

Today was a good day. I'm still amazed at what a simple program this is. It's not easy, but it's simple, and yet I continue to make it difficult.

I'll sign off for today.
Hugz.
JD