Random Stuff

So I'm sitting at home tonight, it's 11:30 pm on a Sunday night. Just chillin and thinking. I have hella thoughts running through my head and I have no way to organize any of them except to start to put them down.

#1 I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

I called in on Friday sick. I really was sick. Sick and tired of going in to work. =) It would be so nice to have tomorrow off! I'm going to have to take time off when all this freakin snow is gone just to get out and do stuff.

#2 Life is cool.

I've been meeting lots of very cool people lately. I've gone on a few 'dates' just to meet with people I've run into or met online, nothing serious and I'm not looking for anything seriouls. I really enjoy just hanging out with people. I went on a dinner a few weeks ago with a guy named Alex who I met at the Eagle, Coffee last week with Matt from church and coffee Tuesday with Troy whom I met online. All three of these guys are cool in their own way. Excelent conversationalists, ambitious, funny, nice, and yeah they're cute - each in his own way. Very different individuals, but that's what makes it fun to hang out with people, to get to know what they consider important and sharing ideas about life. It's cool. Like I said, nothing serious right now going on with anyone.

#3 Life sucks.

The last line from thought #2. =) I will admit, as scary as it may seem, I am starting to want to settle down. I've been thinking about owning my own home someday. I want to have a place of my own to take care of. I've also been considering settling down with someone. I dunno. This past week I was thinking of getting together with an exboyfriend, but I'm not sure I want to risk our friendship. When we broke up, It was difficult, but we stayed friends and our friendship has grown a lot since then, but I'm afraid that if we get back together we'll just fall back into what we had and have a really bad breakup. Neither of us wants that, so I guess we're both thinking it's a bad idea to get together again. With the guys I'm meeting, I'm having fun but it's confusing at the same time. Like I said, they're cute, really nice, fun to chat with, etc. and I want to get to know them better and hopefully be friends. It just gets confusing because whenever I meet someone like that a very small part of me says, "Huh? I wonder if I could date him. I wonder if he would want to date me." I hate that part. I just want to get to know people. In the past I've jumped into things WAY too fast and this time I don't want to do that. I'm not going to seriously date anyone for another few months anyways and I try to make that clear to the people I meet, but it doesn't always work. I dunno.

#4 I'm getting old.

No, it's not that bad. Next saturday is my 29th birthday. I'm getting some friends together downtown for dinner, watching a show and dancing. Very casual, just the way I like things. Anywho, yeah, I'm getting older. I think I still look OK but I can see it. I'm also feeling odd when I go out. Some places I feel too old, others, too young. not many where I can just be me. People put way too much emphasis on the number of years you've been alive. Also, my younger friends are complaining about getting older which makes me feel a little ancient. It's odd, but I can understand now what my grandparents used to talk about when they said, "My body is getting old, I don't bounce back from things like I used to, my joints are aching and I can tell my body is starting to deteriorate around me, but I'm still ME inside." It's wierd.

So yeah, Things are going well, just have had too much time to think tonight. One last thought...

#5 It's time to go to bed.


Thanks for reading. Have a good morning, day, evening or night. I'll catch ya on the flipside.
JD

I...Don't...Care...

Three and a half words. That's it. It's such a simple phrase blanketing everything you want it to. Very much a "Minnesota Nice" phrase.

What do you want to do tonight? I don't care.
What movie do you want to see? I don't care.
My test? I didn't study for it but... I don't care.
My life sucks, my job stinks, I'm so busy I don't know what to do. I don't care.
I hurt. You've hurt me, I've hurt you. It's going to happen again. I don't care.

See? Three and a half very easy words to say and *Poof* all your cares are gone.

I think it should come in a pill form.

"Feeling down? Life got you in the dumps? Try our new, fast-acting solution! It's called: I DON'T CARE! This easy to swallow pill will get rid of all your worries and problems. Problems at work? Is the boss coming down on you too hard? Try I DON'T CARE! Are your friends demanding too much of your time? Relationship problems? I DON'T CARE will help and put you back where you should be! #1! Also available in liquid, chewable and spitable forms."

If it was marketed like that it would probably have a warning label on it:
"Warning: May cause excessive drowsiness and bitterness, towards yourself and towards everyone around you, depression, anxiety, confusion, disorientation, distance, icy-heart and a total loss of Self. This product should not be taken with alcohol as adverse conversations have been observed. "

I dunno. I wish It were available in pill form. I'd O.D. on it if I could to put myself right alongside way too many people I know. I've heard these three and a half words way too often lately. Usually it's when the person really does care but doesn't want to let on how much something bothers them. It's a comfort blanket, like when you were a kid and the boogie-man was coming and as long as you had the blanket over your head he couldn't find you. Just say. "I don't care." It's the same idea as shutting your eyes. What you don't see doesn't exist right? Right.

"I don't care."

I'm getting tired of hearing it. Obviously, we do care when we say it because otherwise we would be able to find a different phrase to express it. This phrase, to me, represents apathy on the part of the person saying it. Something is bad, it doesn't have an easy fix, I don't want to go through the steps necessary to get over it, God help me should I actually need to communicate and express my feelings, So I just wrap the blanket around my head shutting out everything around me, slowly suffocating myself in my own pretty, homemade blanket of self-pity. It just grows and grows. The more we say it, the more we wrap in the blanket and pretty soon we have this huge blanket-wrapped bundle of poison.

"I don't care."

I think people are just afraid. Afraid of what it might take to make things right, to let someone in, to issue "An Invitation to My World..." Where they let people know what's troubling them or what concerns they have. People are afraid to ask for that kind of help. Usually it's because in the past they were burned by someone they thought they could trust and that scar is blurring their vision of the world. Society puts so many pressures on us to hide behind different masks so we can show our faces in public and not let everyone recognize our true inner self. One thing with these masks though, they get old very fast. First it's slight spiderweb-like cracks which are easy to hide, then the paint starts flaking and peeling, but the mask is still intact. Then a chunk breaks loose. Not necessarily a huge chunk, but enough to be noticeable by everyone who really looks, but we continue to hide behind the mask because we can't see that it's slowly disintegrating. Pretty soon the mask cracks in half and falls apart and we're left holding nothing but a stupid little stick and we still try to hide behind it because as long as we have this puny little stick in our hand, it's still part of the mask. It doesn't matter that the world can see all the tears and scars, I've still got my mask! Well, the stick anyways, ready for the next mask I choose to put on it.

"I don't care."

I really hate that phrase. Those three and a half words.

Why?
Because DAMN-IT!
I CARE!